chapter 14

 

 

Janeway had just ended her morning break when she received an unexpected call from Lynne.

“Hamilton to Janeway. May I speak with you privately, please?”

“I’m alone, Lynne. What’s going on?” It was unusual for Lynne to contact her on duty.

“Kathryn… I just saw Seven in Astrometrics. Revi broke up with her.”

“WHAT?”

“Yeah, my reaction exactly. She’s in terrible shape, not that she thinks anyone can see it. I told her we’d come by her quarters right after the shift.”

Janeway’s first thought was to ask if that would be before or after they dropped by Revi’s quarters and kicked her ass from one side of the room to the other, but fortunately her more professional side prevailed. “Do you know what happened?”

“Somewhat. Apparently Seven met a woman at the conference who put the moves on her. Revi pretty much told her to go with the woman and have a good time, and then she tuned out Seven’s frequency.”

Oh, no. Janeway knew how that would have devastated her friend.

“So Seven went out with her, experimented with a little kissing, told her that she was committed, and came back to the hotel to find that she wasn’t committed after all. Revi said Seven wasn’t ready to settle down and then she cut her off permanently.”

“Fuck,” said Janeway succinctly.

Lynne laughed. “Oh, god, I shouldn’t laugh, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say that on duty.”

Janeway rested her head on the back of her chair. “Lynne, this is not good.”

“Tell me about it.” Lynne’s voice was completely serious again. “I also saw B’Elanna for a couple of minutes on deck eleven. She said Revi looks just as bad as Seven does.”

Janeway’s door chimed. “I have to go, Lynne. Thanks for letting me know.”

“You’re welcome. See you in a few. Hamilton out.”

“Come,” called Janeway, and straightened in her chair as Tuvok and Chakotay entered. It was going to be difficult to keep her mind on their meeting now.

Oh, Seven, I’m so sorry. And Revi, you’d better have a damned good reason for throwing away the best thing that ever happened to you.

“Shall we get started?” she asked, picking up her PADD.

 

 

-----

 

 

When Janeway got home after the shift, she found Lynne in the bedroom changing clothes. Her wife was still in her uniform pants and boots, having just pulled off her shirt. Janeway stepped up behind her, slid her hands around Lynne’s bare waist and planted a soft kiss on her shoulder implant.

Lynne shivered. “Mmm. Hi, love.” She turned in Janeway’s arms to deliver a scorching kiss that left them both breathless.

“I guess we’re having the same reaction,” said Janeway, as they rested their foreheads together.

“You mean, thanking god that we have each other?”

“Mm hm.”

They stood there for several minutes, and Janeway felt like the most fortunate woman in the universe. She simply could not imagine how she would function if Lynne ended their marriage.

“Poor Seven,” she said.

“I know. Breakups are usually brutal anyway, but I’ve got a feeling this one is probably a normal breakup times ten.”

“More like to the tenth power.”

They pulled away and Lynne looked at her very seriously. “I love you, and I don’t think I say it to you often enough.”

“Yes, you do. I’ve never once doubted it, Lynne. And I love you, too.”

They kissed again, lightly this time, and Janeway let Lynne finish changing while she stripped off her own uniform. “Have you kicked Revi’s ass yet?” she asked.

A snort escaped. “No, but only because B’Elanna said she looked terrible. When Seven first told me I think I might have gotten a little protective.”

“I can only imagine,” said Janeway, pulling a pair of loose pants off a hanger. “I have to admit my first thoughts weren’t very charitable either. But there’s something else going on here, and I’d like to know what. This isn’t like Revi.”

“Well, let’s go have a chat with Seven and get the whole story. She’ll give us direct quotes.”

“True.” Janeway tucked in her shirt and fastened the pants. “Let’s hear it for Borg memory.”

“It’s not Borg,” said Lynne, sitting on the bed and watching Janeway pull on her shoes. “My cortical implant is newer than hers, and I can quote anything that’s stored in there right now, but I still don’t have an eidetic memory. That’s just Seven.”

Janeway straightened up. “Really? I always assumed it was the implant. And your memory is certainly improved. I’ve heard you quote things you’ve read after getting your implant.”

Lynne shook her head. “It’s improved, but not eidetic. I wish it were; that’d be damned handy. Then when I used your own words against you I could be sure they were exact.”

Janeway gave her a playful shove and Lynne laughed. They looked at each other, their expressions gradually becoming sober.

“Shall we?” asked Janeway.

Lynne nodded. “Let’s go.”

 

 

-----

 

 

When Seven let them in her quarters, Janeway walked right up to her and wrapped her up in a hug. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

Seven squeezed her to a nearly painful degree. “Thank you for coming,” she said, her voice catching.

“You couldn’t keep us away,” said Lynne. Seven looked up, then released Janeway and turned to Lynne. The second hug was apparently one too many; Seven didn’t seem to be able to let Lynne go. Janeway saw her slender body begin to shake as Lynne rubbed her back in soothing circles. Their eyes met over Seven’s shoulder before Lynne turned her head and kissed Seven’s cheek, holding her lips there as she murmured something Janeway couldn’t hear. The gentle, loving gesture brought a lump into Janeway’s throat.

After several minutes, when Seven appeared to have cried herself out, Lynne said quietly, “Can you tell us what happened?”

Seven straightened, swiping her cheek, and Janeway handed her the handkerchief she’d brought for this exact reason. Seven gave her a grateful look as she accepted the cloth.

“Where do you wish me to begin?” she asked.

“Wherever this started,” said Janeway. “Were you having any…difficulties before you left Voyager, or did this all start at the conference?”

“Kathryn,” said Seven, “we’ve had difficulties from the moment we began our intimate relationship. Revi’s years in the Collective damaged her to a significant degree, and though I once thought time and persistence would resolve these issues, I now believe that was an incorrect evaluation.”

Janeway and Lynne looked at each other, and Janeway knew they were thinking the same thing. This is going to be a long evening.

They eventually settled on the couch while Seven sat on the low table in front of them, speaking in her clear voice about the problems she had been facing with Revi since day one. It took quite a while, but by the time she was finished Janeway had a far more comprehensive understanding of their relationship. She was surprised that Seven had been carrying such a burden all this time without ever speaking of it, and said so.

“Revi is a private individual,” said Seven. “She would not wish others to know her guilt and what she considers her weaknesses, though she was certain you knew them already, Kathryn. She once said that you knew her better than she knew herself.”

Janeway nodded. “I knew some of it and suspected the rest, but that’s not the same thing as knowing for certain.”

“Seven,” said Lynne, “did Revi specifically ask you not to share these things with us?”

“No,” said Seven, “but it was understood to be limited to our relationship. I wanted to ask for your advice, but I felt it would have been a betrayal.”

“I understand your desire to keep Revi’s confidence, and it does you credit,” said Janeway, putting a gentle hand on her knee. “But you’re new at this and Revi did you a disservice if she expected you to never reach out to your friends. We all need someone to talk to, Seven. Sharing a burden makes it easier to bear. Believe me, I speak from experience.”

Seven nodded. “I do feel less burdened, even though nothing has been resolved. The issues seem surmountable now that you are also aware of them.” She frowned. “But that is illogical. The reality has not changed, so why should it feel different now than it did before I spoke with you?”

“Because talking to a friend makes everything easier,” said Janeway. “It has nothing to do with actual reality.” She almost laughed at Seven’s expression. “Don’t try to fit logic on this one, Seven. It’s about the human psyche, which by definition isn’t logical.”

Seven clearly found this answer unsatisfactory, but before she could argue, Lynne got her attention.

“I’m glad you’re talking to us now,” said Lynne, “because this isn’t just about you and Revi, is it? We’re part of Revi’s guilt, and it’s her guilt that fueled this whole mess with Arrabis. She set you up, Seven. She set both of you up to fail.”

“Clarify,” said Seven, in a rare lapse into Borg-speak.

Lynne glanced at Janeway and then took a deep breath. “Well, from what you’ve described, it sounds like Revi began your relationship against her instincts. You pretty much overwhelmed her with logic and sheer force of personality, and then the honeymoon stage of a new relationship pushed back her demons for awhile. But demons like that never stay away unless you face them and actually deal with them. She hasn’t. Somewhere along the road something happened to free up those demons again, and from what you’ve said it sounds like that something was my assimilation.”

Seven nodded. “That was when her guilt began to affect our relationship to a much greater degree. I spent many hours attempting to convince her that she was not solely responsible.”

“But you can’t convince someone like Revi of that,” said Janeway. “Both Lynne and I have told her we don’t blame her, and on more than one occasion. But her internal voice is louder than ours.” She shook her head. “I thought she was making so much progress…damn, I should have known.”

“You had me to worry about, love,” said Lynne. “Don’t beat yourself up over it. Revi put up a good front.”

“Kathryn,” said Seven, “Revi has a valid reason to doubt your sincerity in saying you don’t blame her.”

“What’s that?” asked Janeway, surprised.

“The day Lynne was assimilated, Revi admitted to you that she had compartmentalized her knowledge of the nanoscrubbers rather than your relationship with Lynne. That she had, in essence, valued Lynne’s life less than a weapon.”

Janeway felt the blood drain from her face; this was dangerously close to a topic that she never, ever wanted to have brought up in front of Lynne.

“When she said that,” continued Seven, “you showed your true feelings for two point nine seconds before masking them. Revi and I both saw it. You were very clearly enraged. Revi said afterward that if you’d had a phaser in your hand, she was quite sure you would have shot her.”

Janeway closed her eyes. Jesus, I lose it for three goddamned seconds and someone’s world comes to an end. No pressure, Katie, just make sure you stay in control every fucking second of your life while you’re out here.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and met Lynne’s sympathetic gaze. Instantly her agitation faded at the total understanding in those green eyes. No, she didn’t have to stay in control every second. She had sanctuary with Lynne, thank god. But still, those three seconds had apparently done a lot of damage, which meant she bore some responsibility for the current situation between Revi and Seven. Putting her own hand on top of Lynne’s, she said, “You’re right, I was angry. No wonder Revi never believed me.”

“Well, she doesn’t believe me either and I’m fairly sure I never gave her a look like that. I don’t think it’s about that, at least not entirely.” Lynne looked at Seven. “So, back to the setup. I think Revi’s feelings of being undeserving have overwhelmed her again. She came right out and told that that she didn’t deserve you, but you insisted on sticking around. So she created a situation that would give her a reason to leave. Maybe not consciously, but she created it just the same. You’re right, Seven, she was encouraging you to experiment with Arrabis. That way she could point to an example and say you weren’t ready to settle down in a monogamous relationship. It was a no-win situation—if you’d refused to have that lunch with Arrabis, then Revi could have said that she was stifling you and that you needed the freedom to grow. She probably would have left anyway, just for a slightly different reason.”

“Stifling,” said Seven distantly. “She said I was feeling stifled. She said she didn’t want to smother or control me.” Her focus sharpened. “I knew she was waiting for an excuse. What I didn’t realize was that she actively manufactured that excuse.” When she looked at Janeway, her distress was obvious. “Then there is no solution. I have no means of countering her beliefs if she’s prepared to create situations that give her reason to leave. Even if I could overcome the current impasse, from what you say she will simply repeat her actions in the future. My inexperience in this area of human interaction will put me at a disadvantage; I will inevitably fail.”

Janeway’s protective instincts came roaring up. “Not if I can help it,” she said. “I think it’s time I had a talk with Revi.”

“I’ll stay here with Seven,” said Lynne, and Janeway gave her a grateful look as she rose. Seven stood with her, and Janeway pulled her in for another hug.

“I can’t promise that we can fix this, Seven,” she said quietly. “But I’ll do everything I can.”

Seven’s gaze held complete trust. “From you that is nearly the equivalent of a promise. Thank you.”

Seven walked her out and soon Janeway stood in the turbolift, heading for deck three. Seven’s faith in her was a heavy burden at the moment. She desperately wanted to fulfill that faith, not just for Seven’s sake but for Revi’s as well. But this was a bad situation. Revi had been with them for nine months now, and it sounded to Janeway as if they might be right back to square one. She honestly didn’t know if Revi would ever allow herself to heal.

She rang the chime three times before Revi’s voice came over the comm.

“I’m not in the mood for company, Kathryn.”

Janeway looked toward the ceiling. Round one had just begun.

“That’s fine,” she said. “I’m not here to be company. Let me in.”

“Why are you even asking? Just use your command code to override the lock. You are the captain, after all, and I’m sure you’re on a mission.”

“I would never do that except in an emergency situation, and you know it. What I will do, however, is call Seven up here to let me in. I’m certain she’d have no problems with it.”

She didn’t have to wait long; the door hissed open and Revi stood there glaring at her for a moment before turning silently and walking back to her couch. As Janeway followed, Revi sat heavily and picked up a glass.

“Here to read me the riot act, Captain?” she asked before tossing back the last swallow.

“You’re drunk,” said Janeway. And a mean drunk, too, by the looks of it.

“Yeah, I am. One thing about being ex-Borg; it doesn’t take much to reach the point of oblivion. And I’m off duty, so you can’t say a damned thing about it. Oh, but where are my manners? Would you like a drink, Captain?”

“Why are you calling me that?”

“Isn’t that what you are? You’re not here as my friend. You’re here as Seven’s friend. I knew where the lines would be drawn.”

Janeway had never expected Revi to be so antagonistic. “I can’t reach you in this condition,” she said, and stalked to the replicator. “Computer, two cc’s of inaprovaline in a hypospray. Authorization Janeway theta zero nine nine one.”

She turned with the hypospray in her hand to find Revi standing, watching her warily. “I’m not taking that,” said Revi. “I like it this way.”

“Well, I don’t.” Janeway advanced on her, and Revi backed away.

“You have no right to inject me! I refuse the treatment!”

Janeway stopped, momentarily at a loss. Revi had just put her in a legal bind. But then her thoughts went back to that late night in her ready room, when Revi had barged in, woken her up and injected her before she was even fully conscious.

“I think your own past behavior entitles me to one freebie,” she said, advancing once more.

Revi held up her cybernetic arm. “Don’t make me hurt you. I will defend myself.”

“Against the woman who killed the Borg Queen? Don’t make me laugh.” She needed to get Revi off balance.

“You’re the captain!” Revi shouted. “Act like it!”

Janeway glared at her. “Straighten up and drop the attitude, Commander!” she barked, the crack of authority in her voice. It startled Revi just enough to make her lower her guard, and Janeway swiftly injected her.

Revi swayed on her feet as the inaprovaline neutralized the synthehol in her system. Then she dropped in a heap on the floor and curled into a ball. “Oh, shit,” she said, her voice muffled. “That hurts.”

Worried, Janeway knelt beside her and put a hand on her shoulder. “What hurts?”

“My life.” Revi rolled onto her back and gazed up at her. “Are you going to throw me off the ship?”

Janeway looked into eyes that held none of their usual warmth. These were the eyes of a woman who had completely given up.

“Do you want me to?” she asked.

“I think it might be best for everyone. And if you wanted to be really humane about it, you could just save time and put me out an airlock.”

“If you want to kill yourself, don’t drag me into it. I won’t have any part of it. Though I have to say, killing yourself by centimeters as you have been doesn’t seem very efficient.”

“Ah, good old Borg efficiency,” said Revi, closing her eyes. “I can’t even live up to that.”

Janeway felt a nearly irresistible urge to shake some sense into her, but with an effort of will she pushed it down. “Come on,” she said, sliding her hands under Revi’s shoulders. “Get up.”

It was like lifting a rag doll, but eventually Revi got her legs under her and, with support from Janeway, stumbled back to the couch. She rested her head on the back of the couch and sighed. “Why are you here, Kathryn?”

“I’m here to help a friend.” Janeway walked to the replicator and put the hypospray on the tray. “Computer, recycle, then give me a glass of water, five degrees.” She brought the glass back to the couch.

“Yeah, I knew that. I’m sorry about Seven. She was the best thing that ever happened to me, but it was inevitable.”

“I wasn’t talking about Seven; I was talking about you. Here, drink this.”

Revi lifted her head and stared at the glass Janeway was holding out. Finally she took it and drained it down in several long swallows. “Thanks,” she said, handing the glass back. Janeway accepted it, picked up the second glass from the table, and silently took both to the replicator for recycling. She didn’t want anything breakable or easily thrown around Revi right now.

When she sat on the couch beside Revi, she was met with a very calm expression. “Don’t bother,” said Revi. “I know what you’re trying to do. But I’m too tired to do it anymore.”

“What is it you think I’m trying to do?”

“You’re going to try to build me up, tell me what I’m worth, tell me I have everything to offer. Just like you always do. I believed you for a while, did you know that? Gods, it was nice. Just for a while, to think that you might be right. Seven certainly thought you were. Nothing could shake her belief in me.” She turned her gaze to the viewport. “But that was before I proved you all wrong.”

“When you got Lynne assimilated.”

“Ah, the truth comes out at last. You’ve spent weeks telling me I wasn’t to blame.”

“I lied,” said Janeway evenly.

Revi’s head whipped around, her shock plain to see.

“Well, isn’t that what you want me to say?” asked Janeway. “You refused to believe that I didn’t blame you, so obviously I must have been lying.”

Revi frowned. “No mind games, please. I’m an easy target right now.”

“This isn’t a game; this is your life. And Seven’s.”

“I don’t have a life, Kathryn!” Revi shouted suddenly. “Don’t you understand that? I did for a while, and I actually believed that dream you sold me, but it’s over. It should have been me!”

It took Janeway a moment to figure out the last sentence. “Would you trade your own assimilation for Lynne’s?”

“Gods, in a fucking heartbeat! And I know you wish it had been me, too.”

“You know no such thing.”

“Don’t deny it! I saw it on your face. Seven did, too. When you found out what I’d done you looked like you wanted to kill me.”

Janeway mentally thanked Seven for telling her about this ahead of time, even as her heart hurt to see the damage she’d inflicted. God, if she could take back any three seconds of her life…but she knew instinctively that Revi wouldn’t hear an apology right now. She had to come at this from a different direction.

“I did want to kill you,” she said calmly. “That doesn’t mean I blame you.”

Revi was completely taken aback. “What?”

“I’m human, Revi. When you told me you’d prioritized the nanoscrubbers over Lynne, yes, I was furious. For as many seconds as it took me to realize that you’d done the right thing.”

“It wasn’t the right thing. How can you say that?”

“Of course it was the right thing. On two separate levels. As a Starfleet officer your duty is the protection of the Federation and its principles, first and foremost. All of our lives are secondary to that duty, including Lynne’s.”

“Lynne isn’t Starfleet.”

“No, but as a contractor to Starfleet and as a passenger on this ship, she’s bound by some of the same principles and regulations.”

“I don’t—”

“And the second level,” interrupted Janeway, “is strategic. If you hadn’t hidden the nanoscrubber technology, the Queen would have sifted through your thoughts until she had everything. You diverted her by giving her Lynne, intentionally or not. If you hadn’t, we would have had no weapon. Do you understand, Revi? She would have taken Lynne anyway, in addition to the nanoscrubber technology, and you and I wouldn’t be sitting here right now having this conversation. We’d both be Borg, along with every other person on this ship.”

“I don’t accept that! You beat the Borg before. You beat the Queen before, without the nanoscrubbers. You would have found a way. You’re trying to convince me that it was inevitable that Lynne would be assimilated, but it wasn’t, Kathryn. It wasn’t,” she repeated, her voice breaking. “I did that. I always do. Everything I touch turns to dust; everyone I love I hurt. I hurt Steph, I hurt Lynne, I hurt you, and now I’ve hurt Seven.” She covered her eyes with her human hand and began to cry softly.

Janeway tried to pull her in for a hug, but met fierce resistance.

“No!” Revi pushed her away. “I don’t want your sympathy.” Her expression was a strange mixture of despair and defensiveness. “Hell, I don’t even know if it’s real. As captain you’d be in here trying to help me whether you hated me or not; it’s your job.”

“That’s enough!” Janeway said sharply. “You don’t want to play mind games? Fine. Then let me tell you the plain unvarnished truth.” Having gotten Revi’s attention, she gentled her voice. “I don’t hate you; I love you. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had besides Lynne, and it’s killing me to know that I have any responsibility for how you feel right now. Do you have any idea how sorry I am? Would you believe me if I told you? And Revi, you’ve never hurt me before, but you’re hurting me right now.”

Revi looked at her in bewilderment. “How—”

“By pushing me away and calling me a liar.”

“I…” Revi dropped her eyes, her face flushing. “I’m sorry.”

“And don’t you dare add that to your long list of reasons why you should be shoved out an airlock. If you’re really sorry you’ll talk to me. Not fight me, not shout at me, talk to me.” Janeway consciously lowered her voice. “Please, Revi. Let me help you. Because I’ve just realized how completely selfish I’ve been.”

That brought Revi’s gaze back up. “No, you haven’t.”

“Yes, I have. Don’t think you’ve got a lock on human faults. I was so involved with my own pain and Lynne’s that I forgot there was someone else out there who was hurting just as much. You were always there for us, ready to help in any way you could—god, when did you ever regenerate? Every time either of us needed you, you were there. And I just never stopped to think that maybe you needed us, too. I’m so sorry.” The last words were nearly a whisper.

“No, Kathryn…” Revi picked up Janeway’s hand and laced her fingers through it. “You had your hands full; I never once thought you should be worrying about me. Don’t take that on yourself.”

“Too late,” said Janeway. “Don’t you understand that it’s my job to worry about you? Not because I’m your captain. Because I’m your friend.” She squeezed their hands. “And even though I haven’t been as good a friend as I should, I’d like to make it up to you if you’ll let me. Talk to me, please. Tell me what you didn’t want to then. Tell me what you were going through. Tell me what’s making you hurt so much.” She looked into Revi’s eyes and added softly, “I’m listening. I’ll be here all night if you want.”

There was a long silence before Revi finally nodded. “Okay,” she whispered. “Maybe this was inevitable, too.”

Haltingly at first, she told a story Janeway hadn’t heard before; recalling the events of two months ago from an entirely different viewpoint. She spoke of the agony of having her thoughts stripped away by the Queen, knowing that she was betraying everyone she loved but helpless to stop it. She admitted that seeing the look of rage on Janeway’s face in that conference room had killed something inside her; and when Janeway had told her not to touch her, it had only confirmed her belief that she’d lost the dearest friend she’d ever had. Her only goal from that point on was to do everything she could to make up for her weakness; to give everything she had if it might ease Janeway’s and Lynne’s pain.

“Revi, do you understand that my not wanting you to touch me had nothing to do with me blaming you? I told you that in the Flyer, and I thought you understood then.”

“I thought you were just trying to take it back.”

“No. Not at all. In the conference room I was about one angstrom away from total meltdown, and I was only holding myself together through sheer will power. I knew if you touched me, if you offered sympathy and physical comfort, I’d completely lose it and then I wouldn’t be good for anything. There wasn’t time for a breakdown, Revi; I couldn’t afford it. Lynne couldn’t afford it. But I couldn’t explain that to you, because even speaking of it would have undone me too. I knew you’d assume the worst, but at that point all I could do was hope that you’d be okay until I could explain later on.” Janeway sighed. “Obviously you weren’t, and I’m very sorry about that.”

“It’s okay, Kathryn. I couldn’t understand how you were holding yourself together at all. But it really helps now to know that you didn’t actually hate me.”

“God, no! Revi, I never hated you. If I hated you for not being able to resist the Queen, I’d have to hate Lynne, too.”

Plainly Revi had never thought of it that way, and Janeway thought she saw a tiny bit of life return to her friend’s eyes.

Revi continued with her story, and as she spoke, Janeway had the strange sensation of remembering the events from her own point of view and seeing them simultaneously from Revi’s. Many of those memories made her wince as she understood just how much agony Revi must have felt. And Revi, who couldn’t seem to stop talking now that she’d begun, confirmed it.

“I think telling Lynne that she had a cortical implant was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I could see it in her face before she even said it—that sudden understanding that she was no longer fully human and never would be again. Because of me. And when she said she didn’t want to live that way, gods, I knew how she felt. I’ve been there. I am there.”

Janeway was fascinated when she described the sensations of going into Lynne’s mind during the critical moments before the cortical implant resumed normal operations. Neither she nor Lynne had known that Revi had literally put her life on the line. When she’d blended her own thoughts with Lynne’s, Revi had been in just as much danger of being permanently damaged by the information dump as Lynne was. It was very similar to a Vulcan mind meld in that sense. And in the end Revi hadn’t been strong enough; she’d had to call Seven for help.

“But that means Seven took the same risk,” said Janeway, who was stunned by these revelations.

Revi nodded.

“Jesus, and I didn’t have a clue. Why didn’t you tell me?” Janeway made a note to put commendations in both Revi’s and Seven’s files—as if it could even begin to convey her gratitude for their selfless actions.

“Would it have helped either you or Lynne to know that we almost lost her a second time? You had enough on your plate; you didn’t need that. But it’s in Lynne’s medical file.”

“Well, I don’t know what to say except thank you. Again.”

“I told you, Kathryn, you don’t need to thank me. Everything I did was in payment of a debt.”

“Even if I bought that, which I don’t, it still doesn’t cover Seven’s actions.”

“Seven is special.”

“At last we agree on something.”

Revi gave her a genuine smile then, and Janeway felt her heart lift just a little.

But that was quickly lost when Revi spoke of finding Janeway in the observation lounge after Lynne had been stabilized, and Janeway heard firsthand how she’d hurt her friend with her words. Now that she knew what Revi had been going through, she felt lower than a deck plating microbial colony for treating her that way. How could she have been so selfish?

“There’s something I don’t understand,” she said when Revi paused. “When I came to you in sickbay that night, you were actually angry with me. You told me you deserved better, which of course you did. But did you really feel that? Because it doesn’t track with what you’ve been telling me to this point.”

“Part of me really felt that. The healthy part, I guess. And part of me let that scene play out the way it did because you needed it. You were taking too much on, Kathryn. You were putting up the ‘I Don’t Need Help’ signs, and it was a terrible time for you to pull back behind your walls. You did need help, even though you didn’t want it, and I was determined to give it to you.”

“All right. That makes some sense. Go on.” Privately Janeway wondered how Revi could be so perceptive regarding the needs of others, and so damned blind about her own.

There were few interruptions as Revi continued. She talked about how hard it had been for her to see the problems that Lynne was having, physically and psychologically, and how she’d pulled triple shifts to design Lynne’s prosthetic arm as quickly as possible and make it the absolute best in the galaxy. She’d done everything she could to make sure that Lynne would lose as little as possible when all was said and done.

“And it worked,” she said. “I do have some satisfaction in knowing that Lynne’s doing everything she loves. And you’ve told me that she’s accepted her implants to a far greater extent, so that helps, too. But the fact remains that she’s irrevocably changed, and I can’t do anything about that. So I can’t forgive myself, Kathryn. There is no peace. And now that the crisis is over and there’s nothing for me to do anymore, no way for me to help, it’s actually worse. All I can do is watch from a distance and see the damage that I couldn’t fix. I see that she doesn’t wear sleeveless shirts in public anymore, and she always wore them before. I’ve never seen her out of long pants, either, so I don’t imagine that we’ll ever see her in one of those backless, sleeveless, short little numbers she used to wear to special events. She’s quieter than she used to be, and there’s something in her eyes that wasn’t there before. It’s hard for me to be around her sometimes, knowing I did that to her.”

Janeway shook her head. “Lynne would be the first to tell you that she owes you her life. She says you’re a goddess in sickbay, and that’s without knowing what you really did during the cortical implant crisis. She has never, ever blamed you. On the contrary, she credits you with giving her back her quality of life. So do I.”

Revi shook her head. “I just tried to clean up my mess.”

“Revi…”

“Kathryn, don’t. It doesn’t work. I appreciate everything you’ve said, and I believe you now—I mean, I believe that neither of you blame me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s an enormous load off my mind to know that you never hated me and that the reason you didn’t want me to touch you was just because you were temporarily overwhelmed. But none of that really helps, because it’s not your voice I hear in my head at night.”

She stopped, a strange expression on her face, and when she didn’t continue Janeway knew that they’d hit something important.

“Whose voice is it?” she asked quietly.

Revi looked a little ill, but after a long pause she answered.

“It’s hers. The Queen, telling me that I’ve become weak. That I’m small and alone. And she’s right. I was too weak to withstand her, and look at me now—I’m alone. Seven’s gone because I couldn’t hold her. The Queen said if I rejoined the Collective I would forget my pain and have a purpose, but if I didn’t I would lose everything. And I have.”

Janeway stared. “You know, the more I hear about the Queen the more I think she died far too easily. I can’t believe how much damage she’s caused.” She got up to pace, too pissed off to stay seated.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you were healing. My instincts weren’t off, you truly were getting better. But it looks to me as if she managed to undo all of that in about twenty seconds.”

“Eighteen point six,” said Revi. “The longest seconds of my entire life.”

Janeway paced a tight circle, thinking hard. This was a different ballgame now. She actually had a target; something she could go after. There had to be a way to counter the malicious words that the Queen had implanted in Revi’s brain.

“Does Seven know what the Queen said to you?”

“No. I compartmentalized it, and I made it clear that I didn’t want her in that part of my mind. She understood. It’s not something I want to think about.”

Janeway nodded. Of course Seven would understand—but she was too inexperienced to realize that what Revi was hiding was a psychological toxin. By respecting Revi’s wishes she’d allowed it to take hold. It was ironic—of all people, Seven would know about the manipulative whispers of the Queen. She’d certainly heard her share when she’d voluntarily returned to the Queen in order to save Voyager. But she’d never shown any signs of trauma after Janeway had brought her back, simply shaking off the experience and denouncing the Queen’s words as incorrect. Was it because she’d been raised Borg that she could so easily disregard what she’d been told? Or was it because of her arrogant self-confidence and her inherent disregard for authority? Janeway smiled to herself at that last thought. Yes, if anyone could look into the face of one of the most powerful beings in the galaxy and say, “You’re wrong,” it would be Seven.

What Revi needed, though, was someone who could understand the psychological power of implanted suggestion—and that would be Lynne. She was the only other person on Voyager who had experienced the Queen’s manipulations, and unlike Seven, she’d been deeply affected by it.

Janeway returned to the couch, certain that Revi was going to hate her next suggestion.

“I think you should talk to Lynne about this.”

“Not a chance.”

“She’s the one person who—”

“No, Kathryn! I’m not going to put anything more on her shoulders. I’ve done enough.”

“Will you listen to me? The Queen did the same thing to her. Haven’t you ever wondered why she’s so self-conscious about her own implants when she’s never given a second thought to yours or Seven’s? She hears that same voice. I’ve spent weeks trying to get the Queen out of our lives. Killing her physically was far easier than killing the legacy she left.”

“She hears the Queen?” Revi looked shocked.

“Yes. Less now than she used to, thank god. But only because we’ve been working together on it. Revi, by compartmentalizing this and not actively facing it, you’ve let her words take hold of your life. Don’t let her beat you like that.” Janeway remembered Lynne standing on the edge of a cliff, shouting her defiance to the Queen. That was the moment when her true healing had begun. But where Lynne had dug in her heels and sworn that the Queen would not win, Revi had simply given up and fulfilled every prophecy the Queen had whispered to her. The doctor’s already guilt-ridden psyche had been fertile ground for those malevolent words.

“She’s not beating me, Kathryn,” said Revi. “She just told me the truth.”

“Oh? Do you think she told the truth when she said Lynne would always be hers? That even if her plan failed, Lynne would still belong to her; mind, body and soul? That’s why Lynne has such a hard time with those implants. She sees them as a mark of ownership. She feels branded.”

“Lynne isn’t hers!” Revi’s voice was indignant.

“And neither are you!”

Revi stared, speechless, and Janeway pressed her advantage. “Let me call her up here. Talk to her, Revi. She’s the only one who can really understand.”

Revi seemed to actually consider it for a moment, before her expression hardened. “She won’t want to. She’s Seven’s best friend.”

“She’s also your friend. She won’t draw lines; give her some credit. And it would give her a much-needed boost to be helpful in some way.” Janeway saw a tiny smile appear on Revi’s face and added, “You could consider it part of her ongoing medical treatment.”

The smile grew larger. “Nice one, Kathryn.”

“Well?”

Revi sighed. “Fine. I’ll talk to her.”

“Good.” And before Revi could say another word, Janeway tapped her comm badge.

“Janeway to Hamilton.”

“Kathryn! I didn’t mean right now!”

“Hamilton here.”

Janeway looked Revi in the eye as she said, “Revi would like to speak with you. Can you come up?”

Revi gave her a potent glare before dropping her head back on the couch and covering her eyes with her forearm.

“I’ll be right there.”

“Thanks, Lynne. Janeway out.” She looked at Revi. “No time like the present.”

Revi refused to move her arm. “Fuck you.”

“Ah, a sign of life.” Janeway almost laughed. “I think that means you’re doing better.”

“Better is a relative term.”

“I’ll take what I can get.”

 

 

 

 

---

chapter 15

 

 

Seven watched Kathryn leave, a feeling of tentative hope lifting her spirits. Neither Kathryn nor Lynne were accepting the termination of her relationship with Revi as a fait accompli; therefore she would not either. She was prepared to fight for their relationship; all she lacked was the knowledge of how to do it.

“Seven, do you mind if I use your replicator?”

Seven turned back to Lynne. “Of course not.”

“Thanks. I don’t know about you, but I need a drink.” Lynne walked to the replicator and said, “Computer, Hamilton gin and tonic.”

With a hum, the computer materialized the requested drink, and Lynne took a sip with a contented sigh.

“You wish to intoxicate yourself?” asked Seven.

“Nope. It took me five weeks, but I finally came up with a substitute for alcohol and synthehol. All of the fun and none of the hazards to my cortical implant. Want to try it?” She held out the glass.

Seven hesitated, then took the glass and sniffed its contents warily.

“Don’t trust me, huh?” Lynne was smiling at her.

“It’s not you I distrust,” said Seven. “I simply don’t wish a repeat of my last experience with synthehol. It was…embarrassing.”

“That’s the whole point of this substitute. It’s from species 291…” Lynne shook her head. “I mean, from the Wyzne’th. I had to go way back in the Collective’s memories to find it, but what you’re holding in your hands is a fine drink that will relax you, take the edge off, but not get you drunk. You’ll have to drink three or four of those to become intoxicated.”

Seven took a tentative sip and found it pleasing. “It’s effervescent. And…flavorful, but not overly so.” She felt frustrated at her inability to describe the taste, and wished once again that she had Revi to help her. It had been so simple with her; she would send her impressions through their link and Revi would verbally interpret. She had become too accustomed to the ease of her assistance; it made the current lack of it much more difficult to bear.

“Yeah, that’s why I like it. It’s clean and pure; kind of a crisp taste. Not like those awful whiskey and sodas that Kathryn drinks. If you ever want to take the lining off your throat and stomach, try one of those.”

“That is unlikely to occur. This, on the other hand, is a pleasing drink.” Seven held out the glass, but Lynne refused to take it.

“Nope. You like it, you keep it. I’ll get another one.”

Seven walked back to her viewport, sipping her drink as she watched the star streaks. She wondered what Kathryn and Revi were doing. That thought depressed her as she was reminded once again that only four days ago she would not have had to wonder; she would have known precisely what was being said and how Revi was feeling. One fact she had learned from this experience was that it was possible to feel a loss so keenly that it caused actual physical pain. She would have preferred to remain ignorant.

Lynne’s footsteps came up behind her and she looked up as her friend leaned against the sill.

“Do you not find it distasteful to utilize assimilated knowledge?” asked Seven. Lynne looked at her in surprise, and Seven pointed to her drink.

“Oh. No, not really. I mean, I certainly wouldn’t have asked for a cortical implant, but now that I have one, I’d be an idiot not to take advantage of it.” She smiled. “Kathryn thought it was hilarious that I spent so much time chasing after this molecule. She said the Queen would be completely affronted at such an inefficient use of the Collective’s knowledge.”

“Revi has difficulties sometimes. Even when her knowledge brings beneficial results to others, she has negative emotions regarding the source of that knowledge. She says it was ‘bought with blood.’”

“All roads lead to Revi, don’t they?”

It took a moment to translate the idiom, and Seven nodded. “I find myself thinking of her at all times. My attempts at self-distraction and diversion have all failed. I…I feel as if a physical part of my body is missing.”

Lynne touched her shoulder sympathetically. “I know exactly what you mean. When Kathryn moved out after the Arnett takeover, I thought I’d lose my mind. I could barely function without her. You’re doing a hell of a lot better than I did.”

“Thank you. But it’s small consolation.”

They sipped their drinks in a companionable silence.

“Seven,” said Lynne at last, “what really happened with Arrabis? We didn’t get into all the details before Kathryn left. Can you talk about it?”

“Why would I be unable to discuss it?”

“I guess I meant, do you want to talk about it with me?”

Seven saw no reason why she would not wish to share this information with her best friend. In her usual detailed manner, she described the events of her lunch with Arrabis, the afternoon she’d spent in pursuit of a solution to an engineering mystery, and the argument she’d had with Revi that night. She didn’t go into quite as much detail regarding her two days with Arrabis, since they had little to do with Revi. When she finished, Lynne let out an expulsion of air.

“Oh, boy,” she said. “What a mess.”

Seven said nothing, since Lynne was merely stating the obvious.

“Can I give you my interpretation?” asked Lynne.

“Please do.” Seven appreciated that Lynne usually asked first; it was a courtesy that she rarely received from others.

“Okay. Setting aside the whole issue of Revi looking for an excuse to bow out, you’ve just walked into a particularly sticky aspect of human relationships. There aren’t too many humans who are immune to jealousy, and I’m sure Revi isn’t one of them. She’s got to be jealous as hell.”

“I don’t understand. Why would she be jealous of an event she expected and even facilitated? She knows it meant nothing to me.”

“Does she know that? You weren’t linked then. She has only your word for it.”

“I have never lied to her.” Seven was offended.

Lynne held up her free hand. “I’m sure you haven’t. But you need to know that jealousy is one of the most irrational emotions in the human range. It makes people do stupid, hurtful things that are completely out of character. It doesn’t matter that you never lied to Revi; all she knows is that you kissed this woman. She’s probably got a picture in her mind that’s eating her alive, and when you offered to link and actually show her the details, she very likely thought that would be even worse than what she’s already thinking. I can’t condone her actions in cutting you off in the first place, Seven, but I understand why she refused to link back in afterward. And then you vanished for two days with that same woman, so I’m sure the pictures in Revi’s mind are far, far worse now.”

Seven frowned. “This makes little sense. Revi and I have bonded on numerous occasions. Our thoughts and memories—all that makes us individuals—have merged. We know everything about each other. I cannot believe that jealousy would cause her to disregard four months of bonding.”

“Hmm.” Lynne looked at her speculatively. “So tell me, how would you feel if Revi met a beautiful doctor at a conference, who could talk to her about things that you can’t? Who satisfied her mind on an intellectual level that you can’t match? And how would you feel if Revi went out with this woman, and then came back and told you that she’d kissed her?”

“I would—” Seven stopped and thought more carefully. She envisioned Revi in another woman’s arms, and without her volition the image became far more sexual than her own kiss with Arrabis. She envisioned Revi running her fingers through the other woman’s hair, pulling her close with a hand on the back of her neck, murmuring suggestions as their bodies molded together. When she shook off the image and met Lynne’s eyes, her own were wide.

“Simply imagining it has resulted in a physiological reaction,” she said. She was astonished by the rise in her body temperature.

“Yup, you’re human,” said Lynne. “Does that reaction include emotions, like anger? Maybe a desire to show both Revi and that other woman that you’re the one Revi wants?”

Seven nodded.

“That’s how I’d feel if Kathryn told me she’d kissed another woman. I’d have to voluntarily commit myself to the brig to keep myself from doing something I’d seriously regret. But you and I have more confidence, Seven. We’d go out and fight for the woman we love. Revi doesn’t have that confidence, so she just gave you up.”

Seven swallowed the last of her drink, her mind furiously processing these new concepts. She had assumed that Revi would react rationally to her kissing Arrabis, particularly considering that the kiss had served only to clarify her own desire for Revi. But jealousy was clearly not rational.

“Seven,” said Lynne gently, “Revi screwed up, but I understand her feelings of betrayal. I know you were just experimenting, and I know it meant nothing to you, but giving yourself physically to another woman is a form of betrayal. Even if it’s just a kiss. If you and Revi weren’t monogamous, then you could experiment all you wanted to. But that’s not the case, is it?”

“No,” said Seven. “But during the time period of my afternoon with Arrabis, I was no longer certain of the status of my relationship with Revi. She had broken her promise to me. She severed the link that she knew meant everything to me. She had said there would be no other, but she gave me no ring, no public promise of mutual monogamy; and she told me that she was ‘giving me room’ for my lunch with Arrabis. Is it a betrayal to experiment under those conditions?”

Lynne blew out a breath. “Oh, god. What a tough spot. Let me think about that for a minute while I get you a refill.” She held out her hand, and Seven realized with some surprise that her glass was empty and she was still functioning perfectly. Except…

“I feel slightly more relaxed,” she said, giving Lynne her glass. “Given the stressful nature of this day and our conversation, that seems illogical.”

“Seven, you’ve just discovered the attraction of drinking.” Lynne turned and walked back to the replicator.

“I thought the attraction of drinking was to induce intoxication.”

“Among other things.” Lynne came back with two drinks and handed one to Seven. “But at lower levels of consumption, it helps people relax. For some it soothes anger or stress. It helps shy people become bolder. And yes, some people drink to the point of intoxication because they want to forget.” Her expression became very serious for a moment. “I’ve done that. I nearly killed myself with alcohol poisoning once because I was trying so hard to forget something.”

“What were you attempting to forget?” asked Seven, who never hesitated when it came to asking questions of her friend.

Lynne looked at her drink while swirling it in a clockwise direction. “A very close friend of mine died, and she took some of my dreams—well, fantasies actually—with her. It was a hard time in my life.” She looked up, a small smile on her face. “You know, I haven’t thought about Casey for a while. And it doesn’t hurt now. I guess that means I’ve finally closed the door on that one. Thank you, Kathryn,” she said, raising her glass toward the ceiling.

As if the name had conjured the woman herself, Lynne’s comm badge came to life with Janeway’s voice.

“Janeway to Hamilton.” In the background Revi’s voice could be heard. “Kathryn! I didn’t mean right now!”

Lynne looked at Seven, who suddenly felt as if she were on trial and awaiting a verdict. “Hamilton here.”

“Revi would like to speak with you. Can you come up?”

Lynne reached out and squeezed Seven’s hand. “I’ll be right there.”

“Thanks, Lynne. Janeway out.”

Seven and Lynne looked at each other, their hands still clasped.

“We’ll work it out, Seven. You two are meant to be together. I refuse to accept any other possibility.”

Seven nodded, but could find nothing to say. Lynne leaned in, gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, set her drink on the table and left.

 

 

-----

 

 

True to her word, Lynne was at Revi’s door in two minutes. Janeway met her and immediately pulled her aside for a conference. Quickly she outlined all that she’d learned, watching Lynne’s face go from somber expectation to surprise and then anger.

“Fucking Queen. That explains a lot,” she said when Janeway finished.

“Doesn’t it, though. Lynne, you’re the best person to help her. Can you?”

Lynne looked over at Revi, who was studiously ignoring them. “I don’t know, but I’ll sure give it my best shot.”

“Thank you. A word to the wise:  when I got here she was drunk and antagonistic. That antagonism is still in there, so watch out.”

“Got it. Beware of claws.” Lynne walked over and sat sideways on the couch next to Revi, who very slowly turned her head to regard her.

“I’m not really sure about this, Lynne,” she said. “Kathryn ran me over with a shuttle and there really wasn’t any point in protesting.”

“She does that,” agreed Lynne. “So you don’t want to talk to me?”

“Well…” Revi plainly didn’t want to be rude in the face of Lynne’s open friendliness.

“Tell me just one thing, Revi,” said Lynne, as she put her elbow on the back of the couch and propped her head in her hand. “Do you have nightmares too?” Her voice was completely matter-of-fact.

Revi stared. After a few seconds of silence, she said, “Yes, I do.”

Lynne nodded. “This is going to sound bad, but I’m kind of glad I’m not the only one. Maybe you don’t want to talk to me, but it’s nice for me to have someone I can talk to, who really understands.”

Janeway smiled. Revi didn’t have a chance.

“Ladies,” she said, “I’ll leave you to it. Goodnight, Revi.”

Revi looked up, her expression somewhat dazed. “Goodnight, Kathryn.”

Janeway headed back for deck six. She needed to fill Seven in on a few things, and then she was retreating to her quarters for some peace and quiet. For some reason, dealing with personal stresses among her crew was far more draining than negotiations or even battles. Although this situation seemed to have a lot in common with a battle, now that she thought about it. She was still fighting that damned Queen, two months later. Like a bad smell in the ventilation system that keeps coming back no matter what you do, she thought, and was immediately cheered by the simile. Lynne would love that one.

 

 

-----

 

 

“That woman is as stubborn as a mule!” said Lynne before the doors even shut behind her.

Janeway looked up from her book. Lynne had been gone for nearly two hours. “I take it things didn’t go so well?”

“No, they did, to a point. And beyond that point she will not go. It’s like trying to move a shuttle by pushing on it with your hands. It’s just not going anywhere, not until the engines fire up.” She sat next to Janeway with a huff of air and slumped back against the couch. “Revi’s engines are offline, Kathryn. I’m not sure how to get them started again. God, she’s a bitch.”

“Revi?” Janeway was shocked.

“No, the Queen. It’s just amazing to me how insidious she was.” Lynne let her head roll to the side and met Janeway’s eyes. “Will I sound awful if I admit that seeing how broken Revi is actually makes me feel better about my own progress?”

“If you said it to anyone else, probably. But not to me. I know what you mean.” And she did. She and Lynne had been fighting their own battle, and both of them had been occasionally frustrated at the pace of Lynne’s healing. The day after Lynne had gotten her new arm had been a pivotal moment, but the progress after that had been less spectacular—slower and more or less steady, with a few reversals that made Janeway want to pull her hair out. And occasionally Lynne’s anger at the Queen had found a target in Janeway, resulting in pain on both sides. Overall, however, Lynne had made good strides. But Revi hadn’t even begun to heal. By comparison, she and Lynne had nothing to be frustrated about.

“There’s nothing like a little perspective to help you see clearly,” she added.

“Hmm.” Lynne stared off into space, her “thinking face” on. Janeway waited.

“Kathryn?”

“What?”

“I think I should reactivate my transceiver.”

Janeway dropped her book. “What?” she repeated. Surely she hadn’t heard correctly.

“Yeah, I know. But I’m not getting through to Revi, and frankly I tried everything. I don’t think it can be done by just talking. Remember what happened between Seven and Revi in your ready room, the first day after her initial regeneration?”

“Yes,” said Janeway, wondering where this was going.

“Seven said that Revi told her that’s when she first began to come alive again. When someone made direct contact with her mind, saw exactly what she’d done, and then forgave her. I think that’s what she needs now. It’s not about blame—she says she accepts that we don’t blame her, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. I think it’s about forgiveness. And the only person who can give that to her is me. I’m the one she hurt, to her way of thinking.”

Janeway was reeling. This was an about face of enormous proportions. “Lynne, are you sure?”

“About reactivating my transceiver? No. About helping Revi? Yes, absolutely. I owe her my life, Kathryn. And she’s dying inside. I’ve only seen eyes like that once before. There’s just no life in them.”

“I know, I saw it. When did you see eyes like that before?”

“Years ago. I went to visit the wife of a climbing buddy who died on Torres del Paine, and what made it even more tragic is that he was there with his son. They fell together. I couldn’t get back to the States until more than a month after the funeral, and when I got there Christine still looked like she’d just heard about it. She asked me in and played the role of hostess, but she just wasn’t there. She’d lost everything she ever cared about, and it looked to me like she didn’t care if she lived anymore, either. I saw that same look in Revi’s eyes tonight. Something got triggered on Anduvia, or maybe Anduvia was just the last straw. But she’s given up. To the point where she actually fights anyone trying to help, because she’s too far beyond it. The only spark of life I see is when she thinks she can help someone else.”

“That’s how I got her to talk to me in the first place,” said Janeway. “I apologized for not seeing how badly she was hurting, and she couldn’t stand for me to take that on. She seems driven to help us in any way she can, as some form of redemption for what she thinks was her mistake.”

“Then maybe that’s the key,” said Lynne. “Maybe we can use that to break her out of that guilt. But words aren’t working; she’s too resistant. And I can only think of one alternative. I have to do it, Kathryn. I can’t stand by and let my own fears get in the way.”

Janeway nodded in understanding. “Will you ask Revi to do the surgery?”

“I’m not sure. Do you think she would?”

“I think she’d try to talk you out of it if she knew why you were doing it. She might even refuse to do the surgery, and she could cite the dangers outweighing the benefit as a reason. If she chose that route, we’d be at a dead-end. I can’t overturn the CMO’s decisions except in matters of ship’s security.”

“Maybe it would be better to have the Doctor do it and just not say anything.”

“She’s the CMO, Lynne. You can’t keep something like that from her.”

“Shit.” Lynne ran her fingers through her hair. “So what do you think I should do?”

Janeway considered the options. She hated to deceive Revi on any level, but she, Lynne and Seven had all made attempts to get through and had been completely rebuffed. She had a depressed and possibly suicidal CMO on her hands, and in the absence of a ship’s counselor it fell to her to deal with the situation. Thinking about it from a medical perspective, Revi had incurred an injury during their encounter with the Queen, but had hidden her symptoms and was resistant to treatment. If such an injury had been inflicted on another crewmember instead of Revi, she had no doubt that the doctor would have pulled out every stop to make sure the wound received the proper treatment.

Revi needed help; it was Janeway’s responsibility both as a friend and as a captain to make sure she got it, and Lynne’s idea was the best shot she had left in her locker.

“I think you should approach her tomorrow,” she said, “in her official capacity, and tell her you’ve reconsidered your decision and that you want the transceiver reactivated as a protective measure. Don’t say anything about your real reason. Once it’s done, you can ask her to initiate a link with you. She’ll almost certainly be angry when she understands your motive, and she may refuse, but at that point you can play your trump card.”

Lynne raised an eyebrow. “Let me guess. The trump card being that I went against my own fears in order to help her, so if she refuses then my sacrifice means nothing. And her guilt over that will probably induce her to agree.”

Janeway nodded.

“So tell me, Kathryn, do they teach you that kind of thing in command school or were you born able to think that way?”

“Look who’s talking. You figured it out all by yourself, sweetheart. I’m not the only one who knows the fine art of manipulation.”

“Ouch,” said Lynne. “The truth hurts.” Her gaze dropped and she shook her head before meeting Janeway’s eyes again. “Actually, I may joke about it, but I don’t like doing an end run around her. It just feels wrong.”

“Welcome to my world,” said Janeway. “I do things that feel wrong on a fairly common basis. Because what’s wrong for an individual may be right for the common good, or the ship, or the principles that bind us. I know you prefer things to be clearly defined, Lynne, but sometimes it just doesn’t work that way.”

Lynne sighed. “Yeah, I know. Why do you think I liked my life as a climber? You can’t get much more clearly defined than that. Do it right and live; do it wrong and get hurt or die.”

“Well, we have those moments too.”

They looked at each other in silent understanding.

“Okay,” said Lynne. “I’ll do it. I hope it works.” She got up and headed for the replicator. “I need some hot cocoa all of a sudden. Do you want anything?”

“No thanks.” Janeway watched her as she walked across the room. Sometimes, at the most unexpected moments, she’d look at Lynne and be surprised all over again that this elegant, independent woman was sharing her life. It was a delightful feeling.

Lynne turned back from the replicator. “Do you mind if I put on some music?”

“If it’s the quiet kind.”

“Damn. There goes Moussorgsky.”

“Pictures at an Exhibition?”

“Yeah.” Lynne looked at her hopefully. “It’s quiet in the middle.”

“With an attention-grabbing brass and string section in the beginning and a bigger one at the end; no thanks. You’re listening to a lot of classical lately.”

“That’s because I hear it differently than I used to.” Lynne came back to sit in her usual position, her back to the armrest and her legs stretched out. “Now I’m aware of the mathematical progressions, and much more aware of themes and variations. I have new sympathy for Seven not liking basic rock music. Sometimes it’s too simple for me, too. When it comes to music, having a cortical implant is kind of like being high.”

“Oh, do tell.” Janeway couldn’t wait for this.

Lynne sipped her cocoa and continued. “One of the best effects of marijuana was that it completely changed the way my brain perceived music. I used to get stoned and just sit in the dark, listening to my albums. It felt like I was inside the music somehow. I heard things I’d never heard before. It was like I could hear all of the music, while I only heard half or a third of it when I was straight. This implant does the same thing, but on a permanent basis. I hear so much more. It’s—” She stopped and looked up sheepishly. “It’s actually kind of cool.”

Janeway felt a tingle go through her body. Although Lynne had long ago conceded that her external implants had definite uses during sex and other physical activities, she’d never before spoken of any implant in quite this manner. This was an epochal event.

“I’m very happy to hear that, Lynne.”

“I know.” Lynne gave her a half-smile, which grew into a full-sized one as Janeway smiled back.

Janeway put her book down and crawled the length of the couch. Straddling Lynne’s legs, she carefully took the mug out of her hand, set it on the table, locked her hands around Lynne’s neck and put her lips next to an exposed ear. “Very, very happy,” she breathed, then pulled back and kissed her slowly and very thoroughly.

“Mmm,” she said when they separated. “Hot cocoa.”

“Much better than coffee,” said Lynne. “You’ve definitely gotten the better end of the deal when it comes to our particular vices. You like both.”

“You don’t like coffee kisses?”

“On anyone else, no way. On you they’re okay. But I prefer wine kisses.”

“How about whiskey kisses?”

“Well…” Lynne’s eyes danced. “Given the fact that whiskey tends to make you randy, yes, I’ve acquired a sort of behavioral response to them.”

“Hm. Maybe you should put on some Risan jazz and I’ll get the whiskey.”

“Are you propositioning me?”

“Every chance I get.”

“Perfect answer,” said Lynne. “I see you’re reading your Marriage Handbook again.” She pulled Janeway back in for another slow kiss.

Behavioral response, huh? thought Janeway. Let’s see if I can train you to like coffee kisses, too.

 

 

 

 

---

chapter 16

 

 

Janeway was halfway through her shift when the call came in from sickbay. She turned the bridge over to Chakotay and went into her ready room to activate her desk monitor.

“Is everything all right, Revi?”

Revi looked at her for a moment without speaking. “Kathryn,” she said at last, “Lynne’s here. She says you know about this, but given the nature of this procedure I’m obligated to inform you that she’s asked to reactivate her transceiver.”

“I know about it.”

Another pause. “I realize that I’m overstepping my bounds as a doctor, but…can I ask why the sudden reversal? The last I heard, Lynne would rather have given up chocolate permanently than have her transceiver reactivated.”

“We’ve been talking about it,” said Janeway. “I’m not going to give you any of her personal reasons, Revi, and I know you understand why. But it’s not a decision she made lightly.”

Revi nodded. “All right. I just wanted to inform you. I’m scheduling the procedure for 1500 hours.”

“Thanks for letting me know. I’ll try to be there.”

When the screen went blank, she leaned back in her chair and stared at the ceiling. When did you get so good at talking around the truth, Katie?

With a sigh, she rose from her chair and walked to the upper level to pull a cup of coffee from her replicator. Despite her assurances to Lynne the previous night, she felt damned guilty too. Manipulating Revi was something she’d never wanted to do. She agreed with Lynne; it did feel all wrong. But that was her job, wasn’t it? Doing things that felt wrong because, in the final calculations, they were the best choice.

She remembered something Seven had said last night, when she’d described her time with Arrabis. The Anduvian scientist had told her that sometimes, in order to be true to herself, she’d have to betray another.

There’s a corollary, Seven. Sometimes, to be true to your friend, you have to betray yourself.

 

 

-----

 

 

Ship’s business got in the way until 1540, after which Janeway made a beeline for sickbay. Revi was just finishing up the procedure, and injected Lynne with the counter to the sedative. Lynne opened her eyes and smiled up at Janeway.

“Hi. I hoped you’d make it.”

“I’m just sorry I wasn’t here earlier. I’m getting tired of seeing you on this biobed, Lynne.” And that was the complete truth.

“Well, I’m not a big fan of being here either. But it had to be done.” They looked into each other’s eyes with shared knowledge and guilt.

“Revi,” said Janeway, “when can she be released?”

“I want her under observation for half an hour. But it’s a pretty straightforward procedure and there were no complications. I don’t foresee any problems.”

“Good. Sweetheart, I’ve still got a meeting to get through. I may not be able to get back here before you leave.”

Lynne pulled herself up into a sitting position. “Don’t worry about it. I never expected you to hold my hand.”

Janeway deliberately reached out for her hand and held it in a firm grasp. “You should.”

“Thank you,” said Lynne as she squeezed her hand. “But you’ve got a job to do.”

Reluctantly Janeway released her and turned to Revi. “Thanks for taking care of her.”

“That’s my job to do.”

Janeway held her gaze. “And I’m very glad you’re here to do it.”

Revi broke away first. “I’ve got an appointment coming in, Kathryn.” She was clearly uncomfortable, and Janeway took pity on her.

“All right. Lynne, if I don’t get back in time, then I’ll see you at home.”

Lynne nodded. “Do I get a foot massage out of this?”

“Oh, so that was your motivation. We’ll talk about it.”

As Janeway walked out, she mentally scheduled the remainder of her day. Let’s see. Meeting with Tuvok, back home for dinner with Lynne, then sit at home while Lynne goes for her “chat” with Revi. And wait for the call from Revi asking me what the fuck we were thinking.

She entered the turbolift, nodding at the ensign who held the door for her. “Deck one.”

Maybe tonight’s a good night to work a little late… She shook her head slightly. Except there’s nowhere to go where she can’t find me.

Sometimes, she really hated living on a starship.

 

 

-----

 

 

As it turned out, she never received that call from Revi. What she got instead was Lynne returning home, looking as if she’d been six rounds with a Klingon warrior who’d just learned that the supply of blood wine had run out.

“Didn’t go so well, huh?” asked Janeway.

Lynne flopped onto the couch. “Oh, Christ, what an understatement. I’ve never seen her so mad. At first she was ready to tear you a new one, because she assumed you’d pressured or manipulated me into it. Which pissed me off on at least two levels, so I set her straight on both your integrity and my individuality. And that was just the beginning. I finally gave up when she pointed out that even if she did agree to link with me, she could assure me that I wouldn’t enjoy the experience, given how angry she was. So, just like the Greeks, I folded my tent and slunk away into the night.”

Janeway couldn’t help but smile. She’d been rereading The Iliad a few weeks ago and had made an offhand comment to Lynne that she’d heard the original Greek was far better than the Earth Standard translation. Lynne had given her a tilted-head look and then downloaded the Greek version onto a PADD. Standing in their living room, she’d begun reading in perfect, flowing Greek and Janeway had thought she might melt on the spot. Somewhere along the line the Borg had assimilated a Federation archeologist who had added his fluency in ancient Greek and Latin to the Collective. Janeway acknowledged the tragedy of how this information had been acquired, but the truth was she found Lynne incredibly sexy when she read in Greek. And Lynne had found that she couldn’t put the PADD down, calling it “a ripping good story.” She’d gone through The Odyssey as well, and was now working on The Aeneid. According to her, Virgil wasn’t half the poet Homer had been.

“Well then,” said Janeway, “just like the Greeks, we’ll have to come back with a completely different approach.”

“I think Revi will see through any horses we might leave outside her quarters.”

“I was thinking more of the tits-to-the-wall, full steamroller approach,” said Janeway, intentionally using Lynne’s idioms.

Lynne looked at her wide-eyed and began to laugh.

“I’m not sure what’s so funny about that,” Janeway said, pretending affront.

“Yes you are. You always look so damned proper and Starfleet, and then things like that come out of your mouth and it just kills me. It’s like hearing my third-grade teacher swear.”

“Hmm. I certainly hope you don’t see me as your third-grade teacher.”

Lynne turned a terawatt smile on her. “If my third-grade teacher had looked like you, love, I’d never have been interested in men.” She leaned in for a kiss, and Janeway happily lost herself in it for a few minutes. Sometimes it was too easy to cheer Lynne up.

When Lynne pulled back, Janeway sighed. Her turn now.

“The trump card may not have worked immediately, but I think it will once Revi sees past her anger,” she said as she stood up. “So I guess it’s time for me to face her again.”

“She won’t be there,” said Lynne. “She went to regenerate.”

“Doesn’t matter. I can interrupt her there as well as anywhere.”

Lynne watched her as she stretched the kinks out. “Are you sure it’s a good idea to approach her now? Maybe you should just let her calm down for a day or two.”

“With most people, I would, but not with Revi. She’s too good at keeping people out. But if she’s angry, she’s not nearly as in control. I’ve got a much better chance of getting through.”

“I guess that makes a twisted sort of sense. Good luck.”

“Thanks. But luck won’t have much to do with it. I’m just going to have to play hardball. Again.”

 

 

-----

 

 

Janeway gazed up at Revi, who stood unmoving in her alcove. Her features were deceptively peaceful in regeneration, and Janeway allowed herself a melancholy moment of wishing that her friend could find that kind of peace in her waking moments. Then she steeled herself, stepped onto the dais and entered the code to interrupt the program. Time for round two, she thought.

“Warning. Regeneration cycle incomplete.”

Revi’s eyes opened as she stepped forward. For a moment she seemed disoriented, then her expression hardened.

“You’ve got nerve,” she growled.

“I have to. It’s a job requirement.”

“And is it your job to manipulate me into reactivating Lynne’s transceiver for all the wrong reasons? Gods, Kathryn, I’m so disappointed in you.”

Janeway ignored the hurt she felt at that one. She’d known walking into this that Revi would be lashing out.

“It was entirely Lynne’s idea, but I can’t say I wasn’t relieved at her decision. I never wanted her to deactivate it in the first place, even though I completely understood why she did. And unlike you, I’m not disappointed. I’m proud of her courage and her loyalty to you.”

“That’s not loyalty. It’s just misguided intentions, compounded by your manipulation.”

Janeway felt her anger flare up and didn’t even try to tamp it down.

“Cut the bullshit, Revi!” she said sharply. “I’m tired of it, and it ends here.”

Revi looked stunned and even angrier. “You walk into my alcove unit, interrupt my regeneration cycle, and tell me I’m full of bullshit? Take a look at yourself, Kathryn, before you start throwing around words like that.”

Janeway got into her personal space and stared her down. “Remember that night in my quarters? The night Seven and Lynne were playing Velocity and you and I talked about friendship? You said you needed me. Specifically, you said you needed someone who could call you on your own bullshit, because as good as Seven was, she was still too unversed in human nature to know when you were being an idiot. Well, here I am, Revi, keeping the bargain. You’re being an idiot, and I’m calling you on your bullshit.”

Revi glared at her before turning away and stepping off the dais. “Go home, Kathryn. I’ve got nothing to say to you right now.” She got only a few meters away before stopping and turning back. “On second thought, yes I do. This hurts. Last night I actually felt a tiny bit better after talking to you and Lynne. I thought that maybe, just maybe, friendship might be enough to live for. Maybe I could go on without Seven if I could hang on to you. But I don’t want a friendship that involves such blatant manipulation. I’ve seen you do that to Lynne, and I may be in bad shape, but I still won’t let you do it to me.” She turned again and walked toward the door.

Janeway leaned against the support pillar next to the alcove and called out, “So you didn’t really mean it, then. You were just hustling me, weren’t you? ‘Kathryn, I’ll be your friend if you’ll be mine.’ But this isn’t a two-way street, is it? The friendship has all been on my side. I’d call that manipulation, Revi.”

Revi stopped, whirled and marched back to the dais, her eyes wild with anger. Janeway intentionally maintained her casual stance against the pillar, but she was ready for anything, including a physical altercation. The look of rage on her friend’s face made that more than a possibility.

Revi came to a halt in front of her, mere centimeters away. “How dare you,” she said, her voice shaking. “I gave you everything. All that I had and more. I let you in, let down my guard, and turned myself inside out to help you and Lynne. And you think the friendship has all been on your side? I’d laugh if this weren’t so fucking shattering. At the moment I’m not certain how I could have ever thought you were my friend.”

“I’m wondering the same thing about you,” said Janeway calmly, putting more fuel on the fire. “Because friends reach out to each other. But you’ve never done that, have you? You took me to task, and rightfully so, for refusing to reach out to you when I needed help. But it looks to me as if that was a ‘do as I say, not as I do’ situation, because you’ve never reached for me.” She straightened up and let her voice soften. “Just once, Revi, it would be nice if you really did treat me like a friend. If you’d let yourself reach out and ask for help. I won’t think any less of you.”

She saw the words hit with all the impact she’d intended. They were Revi’s own words, after all, spoken that terrible night in the observation lounge.

Janeway took Revi’s hand in her own, keeping her voice low and gentle, taking advantage of the hole she’d punched through her friend’s anger.

“Last night I felt like waste reclamation sludge for not seeing how badly you were hurting, and how much you needed help. But then I realized that I wasn’t entirely to blame, because you didn’t want me to see it. You never do. You’re so much like me, keeping it all inside while you take care of everyone else. But you don’t have to do that. I’m here. Let me take care of you for once.” Another quote, and she saw the recognition in Revi’s eyes as tears welled up.

“Kathryn…” Revi didn’t seem able to say anything else; her control was tenuous at best.

Janeway smiled as she reached out and gently ran her fingers through the hair at Revi’s temple, deliberately imitating the doctor’s actions on the Delta Flyer. Revi’s eyes closed, and she let out a small choked sound. Janeway watched her closely, still caressing her hair. The tension in Revi’s face was ebbing away.

“It’s okay to accept a helping hand,” Janeway said in a near whisper. “And you’ve got two of them: mine and Lynne’s. You’re not alone in this. Let her help you, please. You know what it cost her to make that decision, and she did it for you. Don’t let it go to waste.”

Revi opened her eyes. Janeway pulled her hand away, but Revi caught it and held it in her own. All of the anger was gone, replaced by a sad resignation.

“Kathryn, I’m such a mess. I don’t even know if it’s a good idea. Lynne doesn’t have any experience with an interlink, not outside the Collective. She won’t know how to control or direct her thoughts, and I honestly don’t know if I have the strength right now to guide her. It could be a disaster.”

“Then bring Seven into it. She can be a liaison.”

Revi dropped her hand. “No! Absolutely not; I will not link up with Seven.”

“Why not?” Janeway was careful to keep her tone gentle.

“Because…” Revi looked as if she wanted to be anywhere but here. Janeway caught her hand again and held it between them.

Revi met her eyes once more, a defeated look on her face. “Because I don’t want to see it. If I ever link up with Seven again, I’ll see everything she did with Arrabis. I’m barely hanging on as it is; I just don’t think I can live with her memories of making love with someone else.” She smiled bitterly. “And I realize that makes me a hypocrite of the worst order. Gods know Seven has seen every memory of mine, including the way I loved Steph, and less…loving encounters in the colony. But I can’t help it.”

Janeway was stunned. Jesus, she doesn’t know.

“Revi,” she said, “Seven never made love with Arrabis.”

Revi’s eyes went wide. “She didn’t?”

“No. That single kiss she told you about was as far as it went. She went to Arrabis because you’d ended the relationship and she felt she had nowhere else to go. Not because she wanted to have sex with her. Arrabis never touched her.”

A shudder went through Revi’s frame, and she reached out to the pillar for support. “Oh, gods, I was so sure…she was gone for two days.”

“She took a planetary tour, and Arrabis was the perfect companion. Seven set their boundaries early and firmly. You’re the one she loves, Revi. Present tense. Throwing her away didn’t work, so you might as well take her back again.”

Revi put her back to the pillar and slid down to the ground, wrapping her arms around her bent knees. “I wish I could.”

Janeway sat down next to her. “Why don’t you think you can?”

“Because if it didn’t happen this time, it will the next. I’m not good enough for her, Kathryn. It’s just a matter of time before she figures it out. And I can’t go through this again.”

It had taken too much effort to get Revi to this point, so Janeway pitched her voice carefully to avoid offense.

“Has it occurred to you that you don’t have the right to make that decision for her?”

Revi leaned her head back against the pillar. “Yes, it has. But the fact remains that I’m her first, and firsts are almost never lasts. The odds are heavily against me.”

“But you’re still in the game. Even at one hundred to one odds, one person wins. And Seven is not your average woman.”

A short laugh escaped the doctor. “You can say that again.”

“You’re not exactly average either, Revi. Frankly, I can’t imagine either one of you with anyone else. There’s no one in the universe who can understand you the way Seven can, and no one who can understand Seven the way you can.”

“Arrabis seemed to understand Seven pretty well,” said Revi. “Seven shared her memories of their first meeting. You can’t imagine what that felt like. I’ve never seen such intellectual excitement in her; she was practically overpowering our link. I can’t match that, Kathryn. And you know there will be others.”

“What I know,” said Janeway, “is that last night I watched Seven crying in Lynne’s arms because you had rejected her and silenced her mind. Because you chose for her without giving her a chance. And because she doesn’t know how to convince you that you truly deserve her. None of us do.”

Revi said nothing as she stared unseeingly at the opposite wall.

“Revi,” said Janeway softly, “you said you believed once. Until the Queen came and told you not to. Why are you listening to her and not us? She was using you, but we’re the ones who love you.” She reached out and took Revi’s hand, tugging on it until the doctor met her eyes.

“Lynne’s had practice in getting rid of that voice,” she continued. “And she has a few things she wants to show you, mind to mind. It might help. It certainly can’t hurt any more than you’re hurting now, can it? Don’t you see that the Queen is winning? Fight her, Revi. Let Lynne help you fight her. You don’t have to hurt like this.”

Revi looked at her for a long time before speaking.

“If I do this, I’ll need Seven,” she said at last. “And if I link up with Seven, I’m not sure I’ll ever have the strength to cut her off again.”

Janeway squeezed her hand. “Would that be such a bad thing?”

“I guess that would depend on whether you’d consider a broken heart a bad thing.”

“Your heart is broken right now because you broke it, not Seven. And you broke hers in the process. Why cause yourself all this pain now when it’s not necessary? If she leaves you in six months or a year or ten years, you’ll feel just the same as you do right now—except you’ll have had all that time with her to balance it out. Same pain, more payoff. And there’s always the chance—a good one—that she’ll never leave. Do the math, Revi. You’re getting the short end of the deal right now.”

Revi gave her a small smile. “You engineering types, always breaking everything down to equations.”

“I’d rather build up than break down.”

Revi nodded slowly, and there was another long pause. Then: “Kathryn?”

“What?”

“Can I have a hug?”

Janeway turned and pulled Revi close. “Come here.” She wrapped her arms around her friend and rested her chin on the dark head. “You can have a hug whenever you need one, and even if you don’t.”

“I can’t imagine not needing one,” mumbled Revi.

Janeway rubbed her back soothingly. “Thanks for asking me,” she said quietly. “And for reaching out. I’ve been so worried about you.”

Revi’s only answer was a tightening of her arms, and Janeway’s heart ached as she felt her friend trembling. She kissed Revi’s head and whispered, “I love you, my friend. I wish I could take this pain away.”

The trembling turned to shudders as Revi began to cry.

“I’m sorry,” she choked. Then she let go, slumping down to rest on Janeway’s legs with her face pressed into the captain’s stomach, and cried helplessly.

Janeway felt tears rise to her own eyes. In a completely instinctive gesture of protection, she leaned over Revi’s shaking body and held her close, wanting to wrap her own body around this fragile woman. “You have nothing to be sorry about,” she murmured.

Revi shook her head emphatically.

“Stop that.” Janeway combed Revi’s hair away from her face. “Stop fighting me so hard. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it. Revi, you have so much integrity and honor. I’m proud to have you for my friend. It breaks my heart to see you hurting like this, because it’s so unnecessary. You think you’ve done everything wrong, but you haven’t. I swear you haven’t.”

“Yes, I have.” Revi could barely get the words out. “I’ve hurt everyone I love.”

Janeway caressed her face. “Not Lynne, and not me,” she said. “And though it’s true that you’ve hurt Seven, you can still fix it. It’s not too late. Revi, please don’t give up. I know it looks bad right now, but it’s not nearly as bad as you think it is.”

Revi rolled her head back and looked at Janeway with an expression of absolute despair.

“I’m so tired of hurting. I’m just so tired.”

“I know,” whispered Janeway. “But you don’t have to keep hurting. Let it go.”

Shaking her head again, Revi closed her eyes. “Kathryn…” Her voice could barely be heard. “I don’t know what to do anymore. Since the Queen came my life has been hell, and these last few days all I seem to be able to feel is anger or pain. There’s no light left. And I don’t see my way out.”

“I know the feeling,” said Janeway. “I’ve been there a few times myself.”

That seemed to catch Revi’s attention. She opened her eyes again and searched Janeway’s face. “You mean when you found out about Lynne and the Arnett?”

“That was a bad one, but at least it got resolved quickly. Thanks mostly to you. No, I fell into a big hole almost two years before you came on board, when we got trapped in what we called the Void—an expanse of space with absolutely nothing in it. There was nothing to do, and I had too much time to think. Up until then I’d managed to avoid paying the price for my decision with the Caretaker. I couldn’t avoid it any more.”

Revi’s tears had stopped, but she made no effort to move. “Seven told me about that. You tried to stay behind; to sacrifice yourself for the ship.”

“It looked like redemption to me.” Janeway gave Revi a half-smile. “But my crew wouldn’t let me redeem myself.”

“It would have been an unnecessary sacrifice, and it would have destroyed this crew,” said Revi. “You might have saved the crew two years’ travel time, but without you they wouldn’t have gotten much farther. That was Seven’s opinion.”

Janeway nodded. “But during those two months in the Void, all I could feel was guilt and self-castigation. Hell, anger would have been something new and different. Actually, it was anger that got me out of it. Aliens attacked our ship and I finally had someone to fight besides myself.” She tucked a lock of hair behind her friend’s ear. “The point is, you’re not alone. That story you told Lynne in sickbay, about the woman falling in the hole—you’re there now, Revi, but I’ve been there too. I know the way out. And I also understand that there are some things you’ll never be able to forget; some things you may never forgive yourself for. But—” she looked into Revi’s eyes, willing her to believe—“that doesn’t mean you can’t also be happy. And it’s not a matter of deserving it. It’s just a matter of accepting yourself and letting others love you. We do, you know. Especially Seven. But the key to getting out of this hole is that you have to choose to be happy. You have to let us love you.” She lowered her voice. “Revi, all you have to do…is say yes.”

They stared at each other in silence, and finally Revi closed her eyes. Janeway held her, waiting. She’d said all she could; Revi had to make this choice.

After several minutes, Revi spoke in a whisper.

“Is it really that easy?”

Janeway squeezed her. “It’s really that easy. You’re the one holding the door shut, Revi. Open it and you’ll find us there, waiting for you.”

Dark eyes opened and gazed into Janeway’s.

“I want to believe you.”

“Believe me. I’m telling you the truth.”

Suddenly Revi’s expression hardened. “Like you told me the truth this afternoon? About Lynne’s surgery?”

“I never lied to you, Revi. I didn’t tell you everything, but I didn’t lie. And I believed, and still do believe, that it was in your best interests. All I have ever wanted for you is your happiness. Look back on the time we’ve known each other and you’ll see that’s true.”

Revi held her in a gaze that Janeway recognized; she was being measured and judged. And finally her judge nodded. “Okay.”

“Okay what?”

“Okay, the answer’s yes. So now what?”

Janeway felt an enormous smile breaking across her face.

“Now we start putting the pieces back together.”

 

 

 

 

---

chapter 17

 

 

Seven stood at the computer console in her quarters, continuing the project she had been working on in Astrometrics. She’d modified the console to facilitate a standing position; in her years on Voyager she’d never adapted to the concept of working while sitting down. Certainly she was capable of it, but it wasn’t comfortable.

The project was fascinating. Arrabis had given her some new ideas for extending the long-range sensors, and she found that losing herself in the calculations sometimes allowed her to forget the silence of her mind. Not often, but often enough that she was willing to work twenty-four hours a day in pursuit of those few moments of peace.

When the door chime rang, interrupting a particularly complex train of thought, she was initially irritated. The visitor was almost certainly either Lynne or B’Elanna, come to “check up on her” as they already had twice today. She appreciated their efforts, but their presence did not give her peace. Only work could do that. However, another second of thought reminded her that these were her friends, and their concern was something she would once have sought out. It was not their fault that they did not understand the terrible silence. Words, no matter how well-meaning, could not fill it.

“Come in,” she said, turning to face the door.

When Revi stepped in, Seven felt an electrical impulse go through her entire body. It was as if every neuron in her biological systems had fired, leaving her weak from the expenditure of energy. She reached behind her with one hand, seeking the console as a brace for her suddenly trembling leg muscles.

“Hello, Seven,” said Revi softly.

Seven found herself incapable of speech, and could only stare at the apparition in front of her.

: Seven, I’m sorry. I’ve done everything wrong, but I want to fix it. Can you forgive me? :

The voice in her mind, so sudden and unexpected after five days of silence, shocked Seven into a state of suspended mental processing. A single hand on the console was no longer sufficient to support her, and she turned to brace herself with both hands, her head dropping as she waited for her body to come back under her control. The weakness in her legs was now so pronounced that she could barely stay upright, and she was grateful for the firm physicality of the console. At the moment it seemed to be the only stable object in an existence where everything else was too fluid; too difficult to grasp.

“Seven!”

Revi’s fear ripped through her mind, but she was too dazed to respond. A moment later she felt arms slipping around her waist and a familiar warmth resting against her bent back. Revi was crying.

: Oh gods, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know, Seven. I thought I was doing the right thing. How can you still love me? :

It was the physicality of Revi’s presence that finally solidified Seven’s muscles. She straightened and turned in the circle of her partner’s arms, looking into her streaming eyes.

: It’s not a choice, Revi. If I could have made my own decision in this matter, do you think I would have chosen this pain? :

Revi stepped into her, burying her face in Seven’s neck and tightening her arms. Her emotions poured through their link, all very familiar but far more powerful than usual. Guilt, self-loathing, anger, grief—and the tiny thread of hope that had brought her here.

: Please forgive me; I never wanted to hurt you. Oh, gods, I can feel how much it did. I was so afraid of seeing you and Arrabis, but this is so much worse. :

By now Seven had collected her wits and could see where this was going. That little thread of hope was being rapidly subsumed by guilt, and she instinctively understood that her future hung on preserving it. Revi could not be allowed to continue in her current frame of thought.

: Your guilt is neither welcome nor required. I’ll forgive you if you promise never to do that to me again, and keep your promise this time. :

: I will. I’ll do anything to make it up to you. :

Seven nudged Revi’s head up with her hand. : Good. Then you’ll kiss me. :

Revi complied, despite being unable to entirely cease crying. Her emotion quickly spiraled into a desperate need for more physical contact, and she carefully lowered Seven to the floor. A moment later Seven reveled in the sensation of Revi’s body covering her own. She wrapped her arms around her lover and held her tightly, their mouths coming together in a heated kiss that went on until their minds began to intertwine. Revi pulled back, shaking her head.

: Wait, we can’t do this. Not yet. We need to work this out first. :

: We already have. :

Revi looked at her incredulously. Seven heard the arguments coming, but she was having none of it. She needed one thing and one thing only.

: We can discuss this later, Revi. At this moment I require our bonding more than your explanations. :

Revi didn’t look convinced, but after five days Seven was not about to tolerate further delay. She forcefully pulled Revi back on top of her, then rolled them over and held her lover down. “Resistance is futile,” she said, and Revi began to laugh through her tears.

“Seven,” she said, “I love you. I know I’ve got a bad way of showing it, but I love you more than anyone or anything in this universe.”

“I know that now that you’ve reestablished our link,” said Seven as she began removing Revi’s clothing. “But I did not know it when you silenced my mind. I had no public promise; no symbol of commitment to sustain me through the doubt. That is unacceptable.” She grew impatient with Revi’s bra and simply ripped it in half, immediately filling both hands with the soft flesh she had missed so much.

“S…symbol?” Revi was already losing the ability to speak, but Seven wasn’t interested in continuing the conversation anyway. There had been too much misunderstanding between them; they required a bonding to sweep away the doubts and misinterpretations. She set about achieving that bonding with ruthless efficiency.

In moments Revi lay naked beneath her, responding passionately to Seven’s hands and mouth, and their thoughts and physical sensations merged into the upward spiral that Seven had thought she’d never again experience. The familiarity of it made her heart ache, even as their arousal climbed higher and higher. Through their link she could feel Revi’s wonder at their intimacy—she had been convinced she’d given this pleasure up forever.

Then came a magical moment when Revi shook off her guilt-induced lassitude and began actively taking part in their lovemaking, and Seven’s pleasure went completely off the scale. To have Revi once again touching her in that way was almost more than she could withstand, and she gave herself over to an existence that shrank down to nothing but the two of them and the sensations they gave each other. The bonding, when it came, exploded across her consciousness with stunning force. She clung to Revi, crying out her pleasure and the sheer joy of their connection, and when she fell back into her own individuality she knew that she would never allow Revi to leave her again. She would not accept an existence without this. Nor could she let Revi exist without it. She’d seen in the bonding that in the five days of their separation, Revi’s normally ordered and logical mind had deteriorated to an alarming degree. They truly did need each other.

They lay entwined on the floor of her quarters, recovering their breath. Seven burrowed her face into Revi’s neck, breathing in the familiar scent and listening to Revi’s chaotic thoughts. It was not unusual for one or the other of them to take several minutes to categorize and process the results of a bonding, but this was taking longer than normal. Finally she rose up, observing that although Revi’s eyes were shut, her face was very tense.

“Revi. Come back,” she said, using her voice to cut through the chaos.

Brown eyes flew open, and Revi took in a deep breath. “Gods.”

Seven caressed her face. “We have much to discuss. You have allowed yourself to give in to your worst fears. Kathryn was correct in her metaphor; you have only to open the door to end this.” During the bonding, she’d searched for the thoughts that had brought Revi back to her and had seen the encounter in the regeneration unit. She made a note to thank Kathryn at the earliest possible date.

“She said it was that easy.”

“It is.”

Revi captured Seven’s hand in her human one, turned her head and kissed the palm. “Thank you for forgiving me. It’s an aspect of your nature that I still can’t quite believe.”

“My forgiveness this time is conditional. Do you recall what I said?”

With a slight frown, Revi said, “I’m not that far gone, Seven. Of course I remember.”

“Then you remember that my forgiveness is based on you keeping your promise.” Seven allowed a smile to touch her lips. “You will therefore be working toward it for the rest of our lives together.”

Revi smiled back. “I can’t think of anything I’d rather do.” The smile faltered and vanished as Revi squeezed the hand in her grasp. “Seven…I made some assumptions about you and Arrabis. Wrong ones, obviously. I know I didn’t want to see it before, but…will you show me now?”

Seven nodded, then closed her eyes and projected the images and memories of her time with Arrabis, starting with lunch on the third day of the conference. She held nothing back, going through every moment until they had said their final farewells before Seven returned to the Delta Flyer. When she finished, she opened her eyes to find Revi watching her thoughtfully.

: I can’t say I particularly enjoyed that memory of you kissing her. But I understand, Seven. :

: Do you? Do you understand that I will never be satisfied with feeling only one side of a physical encounter? That a relationship without our interlink would be entirely unfulfilling? Do you understand that you have no competition? :

: I didn’t before, Seven. But I do now. I’m sorry for being such an asshole. :

: You are not an “asshole.” You are the woman I love. The woman I will always love. You may not believe that, Revi, but there is only one way to prove it to you. Stay with me for the rest of our lives. :

Revi gave her an amused grin. “Is that a proposal?”

Seven was deadly serious. “Yes.”

The grin slipped off Revi’s face. “Seven…we’ve only been together for four months! Don’t you think it’s a bit soon for a marriage proposal?”

“What I know is that I never again wish to feel the doubt that I felt that day, when Arrabis denied the strength of our commitment because I wore no physical symbol of it. You’ve promised never to leave me again, Revi. Is that not a commitment? And if so, why not make it public? But perhaps you expect to break your promise again.”

Revi winced. “I won’t break it.”

“Then marry me.” It was a perfectly logical solution to Seven. A publicly acknowledged commitment to a mutually exclusive relationship would remove all vestiges of doubt for her, and would give Revi the proof she required of Seven’s unwavering love and loyalty.

Revi’s eyes were as wide as she’d ever seen them, and her thoughts were thrown into disarray. “I, uh…I mean…” She exhaled. “Gods, Seven. Somehow I never expected you to propose to me.” She looked around. “And especially not while we’re naked on your floor, with our clothes lying everywhere.”

Seven, who thought the location was entirely irrelevant, merely waited for her answer.

Revi looked at her for a long time, her thoughts gradually ordering themselves and converging into the answer that Seven heard in her mind a half-second before she spoke it out loud.

“Yes. I’ll marry you. But I think it should be a year-long engagement.”

“You wish to allow me the opportunity to withdraw from the engagement.”

“I want you to be sure.”

“I am sure.” Seven was getting impatient.

Revi caressed the side of her face, soothing her with a gentle touch. “I know you are. I also know that you can’t predict the future. Seven, I have no doubts about how you feel about me right now. And if you feel the same way a year from now, then I will joyfully marry you. Is that fair?”

It wasn’t what she wanted, but Seven knew it was all Revi could offer. “It’s fair.”

They stared at each other for long moments, then came together in a soft, gentle kiss utterly unlike the almost frenzied intimacy they’d just experienced.

: Let me make love to you. Slowly this time, and perhaps on a more comfortable spot than your floor. :

Seven smiled. : I didn’t hear any protestations during our previous encounter. :

: If I ever protest because you want me, then I’m officially certifiable. : Revi stood up and extended her hand, an act of courtesy that they both knew was unnecessary. Seven loved her for it anyway. She accepted the hand and allowed herself to be pulled upright, then took the lead and began tugging Revi into her bedroom.

: Seven, wait. :

Seven turned, hearing Revi’s intention. She looked around the floor and pointed. “Over there.”

Revi walked over and pulled the communicator off her discarded shirt. “Sandovhar to Janeway.”

“Revi. How are you?”

Seven lifted an eyebrow. Kathryn’s standard comm response was either “Janeway here” or “Go ahead.” Obviously the captain had been waiting for news.

“We’re fine, Kathryn. And we’ll see you tomorrow. Sandovhar out.” Revi tossed the communicator back on the shirt and turned to Seven. “Shall we?”

Seven nodded. : You realize that she will spend the hours between now and when we next see her wondering precisely what has occurred. :

: Yes, I realize that. :  The smug sense of satisfaction was quite strong.

: Your teasing is usually an indicator of your mood. I’m pleased to see that it has improved so dramatically. :  Seven wasn’t above a little teasing of her own.

: Well, let’s see. I just had mind-blowing sex with the most beautiful woman in existence, I’m about to have more mind-blowing sex with her, and oh yes, let’s not forget, I just got engaged. : Revi’s smile was broad. : Seven—I’m feeling a lot better. :

 

 

 

 

---

chapter 18

 

 

Janeway set aside her PADD with a sigh. She’d been reviewing the slipstream blueprint one last time, but still saw nothing that could change her mind. No one had been able to find anything amiss, and she had some of the best engineering minds in the Federation on her ship. Both her engineers and the Starfleet staff in the Alpha Quadrant had gone over this with microscanners. There just wasn’t anything there. Apparently she’d read Admiral Necheyev wrong.

She shook her head. Her instincts were rarely off, and this decision made her extremely uneasy, but she could no longer hold off based on instinct alone. Tomorrow she would order her crew to begin construction of the slipstream drive. None of the other concepts were nearly as well developed; it simply made no sense to assign resources anywhere but the theory most likely to get them home quickly.

The decision confirmed, she could now focus on her wife, who was pacing nervously in their living room.

“It’s going to be fine, Lynne.”

The pacing didn’t even slow down. “Easy for you to say. You’re not the one about to have two people inside her head.”

That hurt. Janeway had tried her damnedest to be there for Lynne in every way, and the dismissive tone of voice she’d just heard felt like a total brushoff. She said nothing, knowing that if she opened her mouth right now it probably wouldn’t be a good thing. She had the weight of an entire starship on her shoulders, while Lynne only had to be concerned about herself, and sometimes it really felt as if Lynne didn’t realize that she might have other things requiring her attention as well. No, this hadn’t been easy for her in any way.

It took Lynne several seconds to notice the silence. Her pacing stopped and she lifted her head to look at Janeway, who met her gaze evenly from her seat on the couch. Lynne sighed.

“I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.”

“Yes, it was.” Janeway was hurt enough to not cut her any slack.

Lynne looked away, then shook her head and came over to sit next to Janeway, taking her hand as she settled into the cushions.

“I’m really nervous, Kathryn. The fact that this is my own decision doesn’t make it any easier. I don’t know what to expect and I don’t know if I’ll have a gram of privacy left when this is over. But I shouldn’t be taking it out on you.”

It was practically impossible to hold onto hurt feelings when Lynne looked at her with that earnest expression. Squeezing the hand holding hers, Janeway said, “I’d be just as nervous in your situation, and I’m proud of your courage in doing this. But it does sting a bit when you act like I have no idea what you’re going through, or that any of this is easy for me. I’ve tried my best, Lynne. And it has not been easy.”

“I know. And your best is pretty damned good. I wouldn’t have survived without you.” Lynne gently pulled her hand away, then put her elbows on her knees and held her head in both hands. “The anticipation is killing me. I just want this to be over with.”

Janeway rubbed her back. “They’ll be here any minute. It’ll be over soon.” She thought about Lynne’s statement regarding her privacy. “You know, I just assumed I’d be here for this, but…do you want me to leave?”

“No!” Lynne’s head came up and she gave Janeway a wide-eyed look. “God, no. If I could have you hold my hand without looking like a kindergartner on her first day of school, I would. I…I need to know you’re here.”

Janeway’s earlier ire completely evaporated. Lynne rarely allowed herself to be quite that vulnerable, and it made her feel needed and valued. She took Lynne’s hand in her own once more. “I don’t think you have to worry about appearances, and I’d love to hold your hand.”

The expression on Lynne’s face softened. “Thank you. Kathryn, I—”

Whatever she was going to say was interrupted by the door chime, and Janeway saw a flash of fear go across her face, followed instantly by a mask of determination.

“It will be fine,” Janeway said firmly. “They’re your friends.”

“I know.” Lynne didn’t look convinced, and Janeway distracted her by dropping a kiss on the tip of her nose before standing up.

“Come in,” she called.

She couldn’t help the smile at seeing Revi and Seven walk in. Their body language alone told her that they’d reconciled, and although she’d assumed as much from Revi’s rather cryptic message last night, it was wonderful to confirm it visually. Even though both women wore serious expressions, everything else about them was far more relaxed. And there was more life in Revi’s eyes than she’d seen in a while.

She stepped forward and held her hands out to them. “It’s so good to see you together.”

“Thank you, Kathryn.” Seven’s voice was low and huskier than normal as she took Janeway’s hand. “I will be forever grateful to you.”

“No need,” said Janeway lightly. “I just do what I have to, to keep this ship running smoothly. We can’t have—” She stopped, her attention drawn by something new and different. Holding their hands firmly for a closer inspection, she admired the matching rings. They were a brilliant silver tritanium alloy, each with a different pattern engraved into the bands. Seven’s had a stylized caduceus, which subtly merged into the double helix of a DNA molecule that stretched all the way around the band. Revi’s bore Greek symbols for omega, matching the patch on Seven’s uniform sleeve. There were four omegas in total, two on each side of the band. Each pair was situated head-to-head, and their legs merged into other curved symbols that reached around the band to complete the circle. It took Janeway a second to identify the other shapes as elongated lemniscates—the symbol for infinity.

She looked up with a full grin. “Well, congratulations! I had no idea that getting you pissed off at me could bring such astonishing results, Revi.”

“I’m not the one who proposed,” said Revi with a smile.

“Someone proposed?” Lynne’s voice came from behind Janeway, and a second later she was at the captain’s shoulder. “Holy shit, look at that!” Her delight was obvious as she bent over their hands. “Wow, these are amazing. Perfect representations of the essence of each other. God, this is so cool.” She squeezed their hands as she straightened. “Congratulations, and about fucking time!”

Both Janeway and Revi laughed at Lynne’s profane well-wishes, and the mood in the room was instantly lighter.

“What do you mean, ‘about time’?” said Revi in mock indignation. “We just set a speed record compared to you two.”

“Yeah, but we’re just everyday mortals who have to do everything the hard way. You two have an interlink, which is kind of like starting a pool game by knocking six balls in on the break, isn’t it?”

Revi laughed again, and Janeway realized that it had been a long time since she’d seen her friend this relaxed. “Sometimes. And sometimes we’re just as slow and stumbling as everyone else.”

“You are speaking for yourself, I assume,” said Seven. Her tone was cool, but the twinkle in her human eye couldn’t be missed.

“Darling, I would never presume to speak for you.”

“Perhaps you should.”

Revi looked completely taken aback, and Janeway snorted. “Now you’ve done it, Revi. You won’t know your head from a hole in the deck pretty soon. It’s the nature of marriage.” She put an arm around Lynne’s waist. “And it’s in the nature of our partners to take total advantage of it.”

“And I assume that you’re speaking for yourself,” said Lynne in a dangerous tone. Her attempt at looking severe failed, however, when Janeway pinched her in the side.

The planned mental linking was delayed when both Lynne and Janeway insisted on toasting the new engagement and hearing about the couple’s future plans. Seven preferred the idea of sharing quarters immediately, but Revi was less enthusiastic, so they’d compromised on moving in together in six months. Janeway pronounced them well on their way to success, if they could already negotiate to that degree.

When the sparkling cider had been consumed, the conversation dwindled to an uncomfortable silence that was broken by Lynne.

“Well, shall we?” Her tone was completely confident, and Janeway gave her an admiring glance. If she hadn’t seen Lynne’s doubt and nervousness before their guests had arrived, she’d never have known from the way she was acting now.

“Lynne, you don’t need to do this,” said Revi. “Honestly, after having Kathryn knock me over the head a few times and finding myself engaged to Seven, I feel like a whole new woman. I really appreciate your offer, but it’s not necessary. I came because we had an appointment, but I don’t think there’s any reason to go through with it.”

Lynne looked at her closely, then smiled. “I do,” she said. “There are three reasons, actually. Your happiness, Seven’s happiness, and my own peace of mind. We do need to do this, Revi. Don’t try to back out on me now. That’s like climbing halfway up the mountain and calling it good.”

Revi opened her mouth, but then closed it again when Seven shot her a cool glare. Janeway would have given quite a few replicator rations to know what she’d just said.

“Then let’s get started,” Revi said, accepting defeat gracefully. “Shall we move to the couch?”

Chairs scraped as they all rose from the table. Janeway and Seven flanked Lynne on the couch, while Revi sat on the coffee table in front of her. Lynne took Janeway’s hand and flashed her a grateful smile before facing forward.

“Are you ready?” Revi’s voice was gentle.

Lynne nodded.

“I’m activating your frequency now.”

Lynne’s eyes widened and then shut as she tightened her grip on Janeway’s hand. “Whoa.”

That was the last thing Janeway heard for some time.

 

 

-----

 

 

Seven waited with curiosity, wondering how Lynne’s mind would feel when it came online. Her only previous foray into Lynne’s thoughts had been during the cortical implant crisis, which was hardly representative of normal thought processes. She was looking forward to connecting with her friend in this multidimensional environment.

The first moment of connection was somewhat surprising. Given Lynne’s attitude in insisting on this connection, she would never have anticipated the outright fear that she felt from her. Revi stepped in immediately.

: We’re not her, Lynne. We’ll never hurt you. It’s just us. :

A sense of calm assurance and affection came down the link, and Seven knew that Revi was projecting it for Lynne’s benefit. She added her own thoughts.