chapter 31

 

 

Never in her life had Janeway resented her rank more than she did right now.

She was back in her ready room, trapped in a call with the King, the Prime Minister, First Pilot Corshon, and assorted other ministers. It was late evening in their city, and 0200 ship time. She’d come out of surgery—and an unscheduled nap that Revi had seen fit to drug her into—only to find a long list of things she had to take care of and people who wanted to talk to her, and all she wanted to do was tell them to fuck off and deal with their own damned problems; she had somewhere else to be. But she was the captain. So she sat at her desk and answered the Terellians’ questions, giving them every detail she could remember about the attack. She assured them that the incident would not affect their treaty. She accepted their apologies and showed them that her injuries had been healed. She thanked the First Pilot for getting them back to Voyager, and when he carefully asked after Ms. Hamilton’s health, she told him her injuries had been repaired and she was now recovering in sickbay.

That comment brought on a whole new blizzard of questions, so she had to explain that no, such medical expertise was not effective in all cases; Ms. Hamilton was special.

After an interminable amount of time, she managed to bring the call to a close. Voyager’s launch time was confirmed once again, goodbyes were said for the umpteenth time, and finally she was able to sign off. With a relieved sigh, she leaned her head back against her chair for just a moment, then determinedly got up and made her way out of the ready room. She was walking a bit stiffly; Revi had said her newly repaired knee would take another day or two to work itself back into normal function.

As she stepped up to the main bridge level, she paused. She still hadn’t gotten used to seeing her crew in their new uniforms. Hell, she hadn’t gotten used to her own yet. It fit a little differently, and she really missed the red color band at the shoulders. The new blue-gray shoulder panels were so…subdued. But perhaps that was for a reason. Starfleet was a different entity these days.

She nodded to the conn officer as she walked up the ramp to the turbolift. Though she’d been pissed at Revi for sedating her, she was grateful now. She knew she was going to get no sleep tonight.

Revi smiled at her as she entered sickbay. “She’s doing great, Kathryn,” she said.

Janeway went straight to Lynne’s biobed. She simply couldn’t get enough of looking at her; of seeing the telltale rise and fall of her chest. Every moment that she spent away from Lynne’s side sent her spiraling down into a pit of fear and dread; though she knew intellectually that Lynne was fine, in her heart she was still terrified. It was a primal fear that would not be eased until Lynne opened her eyes and smiled.

“How long do you think she’ll sleep?” she asked.

Revi came up beside her. “I could probably wake her now,” she said. “But I’d rather just let her come out of it on her own.”

“Is there a danger to waking her?”

“I don’t believe so. But I’ve always felt it best to let a body regulate its own affairs, unless circumstances require otherwise. For all of our medical knowledge, there are still things going on in there that we can’t explain.”

Janeway watched Lynne’s chest in its gentle motion, allowing it to soothe her once again, and then turned to her CMO.

“Revi, in five hours we’re going to launch back to the Alpha Quadrant. I’ll probably be frantically busy for most of that time, and god only knows what will happen once we get there. I don’t want Lynne to wake up in the middle of that. I need to be here for her, and I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to if we wait.”

“You want me to wake her.”

Janeway nodded.

Revi contemplated the request for a few moments, then picked a tricorder up off a nearby tray and did a thorough check. She folded up the tricorder and wordlessly pulled a hypo off the rack. “All right,” she said. “Are you ready?”

I’ve been ready for twelve goddamned hours. “Yes,” was all she said.

Revi reached out and injected Lynne. Janeway waited, her heart pounding.

Lynne took in a larger breath of air, then opened her eyes, and Janeway clamped down viciously on the sob that threatened to tear her throat apart. Oh, god, there was life in those eyes again.

Lynne looked at her, but the smile Janeway had been waiting for didn’t appear. Instead, she looked unutterably sad.

“Kathryn,” she whispered. “Why are you here? How did it happen?”

It took a few seconds for Janeway to realize that Lynne didn’t know where she was, or that she was even alive. She took Lynne’s hand in her own and said, “Do you really think the afterlife looks like Voyager’s sickbay? You’re not dead, Lynne.” She smiled. “And neither am I, thanks to you.”

Lynne furrowed her brow. “But…your uniform…”

“These are the new Starfleet uniforms, remember?” Janeway could see the total confusion in her eyes. She waited, giving Lynne time to pull herself together.

“I’m alive?” Lynne said at last. Janeway nodded. “But…how…”

“Because you’re part Borg,” said Revi, stepping around to the other side of the biobed. Lynne shifted her head.

“I don’t understand,” she said in a hoarse voice.

“Borg drones can be reactivated for seventy-two hours after death,” Revi said. “You’re not a full Borg, so our window of time was quite a bit shorter than that. But your nanoprobes kept your neural pathways intact even after your biological systems had shut down. We were able to repair the major biological damage and then stimulate your nanoprobes to start repairing the rest.”

Lynne looked from her to Janeway in complete disbelief. “So I died, but not really?”

Janeway brought Lynne’s hand up and held it to her cheek. “You died, really.” Her own voice was as hoarse as Lynne’s. “If we hadn’t gotten you back to Voyager, you would have stayed dead. But we got you back, and Revi knew what to do.”

“But…” Lynne swallowed and looked back at Revi. “Are you telling me that as long as you’re around, I’m immortal?”

“No.” Revi gave her an understanding smile. “You’re not going to live forever, Lynne. But you are a hell of a lot more resilient than any full human. Seven and I are the same way. However, if those terrorists had shot you in the head instead of the chest, there wouldn’t have been a damned thing I could have done.”

Lynne’s gaze returned to Janeway, a haunted look on her face. “Kathryn…” She stopped and closed her eyes briefly. “This is going to take a little getting used to.”

“I know,” said Janeway. “I’ve had a little more time to get used to it than you have.” She pulled Lynne’s hand away from her cheek and gently kissed the palm, then the wrist. Holding the hand in her own, she added, “And all I can say is, we both died. I just didn’t have any physical symptoms of it. But I only came back to life because you did.”

“Don’t say that,” whispered Lynne. “You still had your family. You have people who love you.”

“Do you know that I actually heard your voice in my head down there, telling me almost that exact thing? And I told you it wasn’t the same, because none of them were you.” She smiled at Lynne’s expression. “We have a lot to talk about. A lot. But we’re due to launch in five hours and I don’t know how much time we have before I get called away. So I don’t want to start something we can’t finish. But you’re okay, and I’m better than okay now. And we’re still going home.”

Lynne nodded slowly. “Good.”

“And Lynne? I always knew you were good enough.”

That earned her the smile she’d been waiting for. “You liar. I had to fight you every step of the way to be your escort.”

“Not because I didn’t think you were good enough. Because I knew that losing you would kill me. And I was right. But you did a hell of a job, sweetheart. Even Tuvok couldn’t have done what you did.”

“I’m not better than Tuvok.”

“Actually,” said Revi, “you have an advantage over Tuvok.”

Lynne turned her head. “What’s that?”

“Remember that chest implant that we all think looks so sexy on you?” Lynne nodded, a half smile on her face. “It protected your heart from total destruction. And it slowed your heartbeat to the minimal rate necessary to fulfill your body’s demands. A full human, or a Vulcan, would have bled out long before you did. Your chest implant and your other Borg hardware kept you functioning long enough to save Kathryn. Well, that and your sheer, stubborn will. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Lynne’s eyes widened. “You saw it?”

“The Free Terellians hijacked the government news agency’s frequency and broadcast the whole thing,” said Janeway. “Everyone saw it. It was supposed to be a public execution.”

“Oh, my god.”

“My thoughts exactly.” Except I was far more pissed off than you are.

Janeway had seen the looks of sympathy among her crew, and she’d been tempted more than once to snap at the people who dared to pity her. She’d never asked for it, she didn’t want it, and it made her furious that she’d fallen so far in their eyes that they could feel pity. But she couldn’t let them see anything but the consummate captain, so she’d done what she always did, efficiently performing her duties with no outward sign of her true feelings. It hadn’t been easy, but now she had a respite. She was here with Lynne, and that meant she could be Kathryn once again.

“Lynne,” said Revi, “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you.”

Janeway looked at her in surprise, and by Lynne’s tone of voice, her wife was just as confused.

“What do you mean, you’re sorry? You just told me I’m alive because of you.”

Revi waved her hand impatiently. “No, not about that. I tried to connect with you during the fight. I saw that shot coming, and I tried to warn you. But the force field must have used some of the same technology that the Gifting theater uses, because I couldn’t link up. All I could do was…watch.”

Revi’s voice betrayed her emotion, and Janeway felt an instant need to comfort her. “You have nothing to be sorry about,” she said gently.

“God, no,” said Lynne. “Jesus, Revi, you can’t feel sorry about that. I know you would have helped if you could have. It’s not your fault that the field blocked your transmission.”

“I know. But it was—” Revi stopped and took a breath. “It was hard to watch. And I’m really glad you’re okay.”

Lynne smiled and held out her other hand, and after a moment Revi carefully took it in her own.

“Revi,” said Lynne, “I’m truly sorry you had to see that. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for you and everyone else. But it’s done, and I’m breathing because of you, and it sounds like we’re still going home. So we’re okay.” She paused. “Aren’t we?”

“Yes,” said Janeway firmly. “We’re okay.” She watched as Revi slowly nodded, and suddenly she realized that what she’d thought was pity on her crew’s faces might have been something entirely different. This wasn’t pity she was seeing. It was grief, with traces of a horror that hadn’t yet fully dissipated.

In that moment, everything shifted, and Janeway no longer saw herself as the captain who had been brought down. She was a member of a family, who had just survived a harrowing experience. And her family—her crew—had suffered right along with her and Lynne. She wasn’t alone in this. She hadn’t lost their respect, and she didn’t need to hold herself apart. In fact, it was just the opposite—she needed to let them know that they were all okay.

God, she’d been selfish and blind, hadn’t she? And as usual, it took Lynne to show her. Just by being herself, Lynne had changed everything.

Bending down, she dropped a kiss onto Lynne’s cheek and whispered, “I love you. So much. There is no one else like you, sweetheart.”

Lynne turned her head. “I love you too,” she whispered. “I always will.”

“Okay, you two don’t need me anymore,” said Revi.

Janeway straightened up, startled by a nearly hysterical laugh that threatened to erupt. “Sure we do,” she said. “Revi, we’ll always need you.”

“Yeah,” said Lynne. “Especially if you’re the key to my immortality.” She shifted slightly, and Janeway could see her discomfort.

“Looks like you could use an analgesic,” said Revi, turning toward a tray.

Lynne just nodded and tilted her head, giving Revi a clear shot at her throat. She relaxed as the hypo hissed, and flashed a grateful smile at the doctor. “Thanks. Did you get the name of the shuttle that hit me?”

“If only it had been a shuttle.” Revi’s expression was grim. “Then I could just be mad at an inanimate object.”

“Or the pilot,” Lynne pointed out. Her face fell, and when she looked at Janeway the captain knew what was coming.

“Kathryn…” Lynne took a deep breath. “How many did I kill?”

Janeway looked her straight in the eye and answered evenly, “Nine. I got the other two.” She saw Lynne’s flinch and held her gaze with all the calm she could muster. “I’m very, very proud of you, Lynne. And very grateful. I wouldn’t be standing here if it weren’t for you.”

Lynne shook her head. “But…Jesus. Nine men. I killed nine men.”

“And thank the gods you did,” said Revi. “Don’t even think about feeling guilty, Lynne. If you hadn’t killed them, they would have killed Kathryn. You did exactly what you had to do.”

“I know that. Don’t worry, Revi; I made my peace with that concept some time ago. I’m just…a little overwhelmed.” She took a deep breath. “The concept’s a bit different from reality.”

Oh yes, they had a lot to talk about. “Lynne,” said Janeway, “I have just one thing to say to you that I didn’t get to say earlier.”

Lynne looked apprehensive. “What?”

Janeway cupped her jaw. “You’re my hero.”

When Lynne had learned that Janeway had killed the Borg Queen, she’d said those exact words. It was time to return the compliment. Because Janeway knew, without a doubt, that what Lynne had done on Terellia was far more impressive than her own accomplishment.

She watched the tears spring to Lynne’s eyes, and knew she’d given her wife a vote of confidence that she’d probably needed for some time. She bent over for a light kiss, reveling in the sensation of the lips moving under her own. The kiss went on a little longer than she’d planned, since she couldn’t seem to end it. At last she managed to pull back and move her mouth next to Lynne’s ear.

“You are absolutely my hero,” she murmured. “You’re more than good enough, Lynne—you’re the best. You’re the one I’ll be asking for when I want someone to get the job done.” She was paraphrasing Lynne’s own words, and had no doubt she would remember them. It was what Lynne had said she wanted when she’d explained why she was training with Tuvok. She’d wanted to be more than merely useful—she’d wanted to be the best.

When Janeway pulled away enough to look into Lynne’s eyes, she saw the recognition there.

“Thank you,” Lynne whispered. A single tear escaped and slid down her temple. “That means a lot.”

“Don’t thank me,” Janeway said with a smile. “You earned it.” The hard way. She straightened up and deliberately lightened her tone. “So are you ready to go home and give Mom the hug she’s been waiting for?”

“God, yes,” said Lynne, a broad smile lighting her face. “What a gift. I thought I’d missed my chance.”

“You didn’t. Not only that, but you gave me my chance back, too. When Mom hears about this, she’s probably going to hold you so tight your ribs will be permanently compressed.”

“Mmm.” Lynne sighed happily. “That sounds marvelous. A mom hug.” Then her smile vanished. “Are you sure you want to tell her about this?”

“No,” said Janeway. “But I’m sure she’ll get it out of us eventually. She’s a Starfleet daughter, wife and mother. She has a sixth sense about these things. And she’s tough.”

“Oh, I already know that. She had you for a daughter. She had to be.”

Janeway was delighted. “You are feeling all right.”

“Considering the alternative, I’m feeling great.”

Okay, that was a bit macabre. Janeway swallowed, but before she could come up with an appropriate response, her comm badge came to life. “Torres to Janeway.”

“Janeway here.”

“Captain, I’m really sorry to disturb you, but can you come to Engineering?”

Lynne whispered, “Can I answer?”

Janeway nodded and leaned over to bring her comm badge closer to Lynne’s mouth. With a broad grin, Lynne said, “Hey, Bonehead, why aren’t you apologizing to me? I’m the one you’re disturbing.”

There was a dead silence, followed by a delighted whoop. “Lynne! It is so good to hear your voice!”

“The rumors of my death were greatly exaggerated,” said Lynne, who actually appeared to be enjoying this. “And I figured that since you’re the queen of the rumor circuit, I could just tell you first and you’d take care of notifying everyone else.”

“You will be paying for that one, Fossil.”

Janeway decided she’d better get this back in hand. “She can pay later, B’Elanna. I’ll be right there. Janeway out.” She looked down at Lynne. “I have to go. And I don’t know if I’ll be able to get back before we launch.”

“That’s okay,” said Lynne. “I’ll just be lying around.”

Janeway looked at her closely; she was more than a little suspicious of Lynne’s sudden acceptance of her resurrection. Lynne met her gaze without a flicker. “I’m all right. Go.”

She didn’t have time to argue. “Revi, take care of her.”

“After the work I just put into her? You’d better believe it.”

With one last look at a living, breathing, smiling Lynne, Janeway nodded and left.

 

 

-----

 

 

Janeway was right; she never had a chance to get back to sickbay. Despite the fact that they’d been preparing for this launch for over three weeks, there suddenly seemed to be eight thousand last-minute questions and details that demanded her attention. But it was finally time, and she was back on the bridge, listening to each of her departments reporting in. One by one, they indicated their readiness. When the last department had reported, she opened up the all-hail.

“All hands, this is the captain. Congratulations on a job well done; we’re as ready as we possibly can be for our final journey home.” She took a deep breath.

“I’d like to take this opportunity to say that never in my Starfleet career could I have dreamed of leading such an extraordinary crew. You have performed so far above expectations that I’ve frankly run out of ways to acknowledge it. Starfleet has actually questioned the number of citations and awards I’ve put in for, but all I could say was, you deserved them. Every single one of them. You should all be proud of the work you’ve done, the way you’ve grown, and the manner in which you’ve conducted yourselves over the last seven years. We were thrown into a situation that none of us were prepared for, and not only have we survived, but we’ve sent back so much information to Starfleet that its scientists will be working on our files for several generations. So before we launch, I just wanted to say…thank you. I am so proud of you. You are the best crew a captain could ever hope to serve with, and it has been my absolute honor to serve with you.”

And now back to business. “It’s time to go home. Lock down your stations and all non-critical systems, and take your positions. We launch in five minutes. I’ll see you on the other side. Janeway out.”

She closed the channel and looked around the bridge. “Everybody got their seatbelts on?”

A chorus of affirmatives filled the air, and she smiled. “Then let’s go for a flight. Mr. Kim, open a channel to the Launch Bureau.” Since their main viewer was powered down, along with all but the most basic communications, this would be audio only.

“Channel open,” said Harry.

“Launch Bureau, this is the U.S.S. Voyager. We’re ready for launch.”

“U.S.S. Voyager, this is Launch Bureau. We’ll be sorry to see you leave us.”

The voice was familiar. “First Pilot Corshon?”

“Yes, Captain. I selfishly chose the honor of launching you myself. Your friendship to me personally, and to my people as a whole, is something for which I can never properly thank you. I wanted one final opportunity to speak with you.”

“It’s good to know you’re at the controls.”

She could hear the smile in his voice when he responded, “You might think twice about that, Captain Janeway. I haven’t operated the launch controls since I was a third-year pilot. I hope I still remember how.”

“First Pilot,” she said, “I have the utmost faith in you.”

Now his voice was completely sober. “Considering that I have already failed you once, your display of trust is truly humbling. Captain Janeway, I will never forget Voyager or her captain. You take with you the thanks of a grateful people.” He paused. “Please proceed to the zero mark.”

“I take with me the memory of a good and honorable people,” said Janeway. “We’re going to the zero mark now.”

Tom powered up thrusters and moved Voyager into position, gracefully turning her in place so that they faced home.

“First Pilot, we’re in position.”

“Voyager, power down all propulsion.”

Tom nodded at Janeway.

“Propulsion powered down,” said Janeway. As she spoke, the bridge crew secured their consoles and the bridge became strangely quiet.

“Prepare for launch in ten clicks. Nine. Eight…”

Janeway waited, her body tingling with the adrenaline rush.

“One. Zero. Launch initiated. Safe travels, Voyager. And my personal gratitude.”

Janeway had no time to respond. Voyager bucked and surged as the leading edge of the displacement wave hit them, and she felt a moment of terror. Oh god, she remembered this. But it wasn’t quite the same; the wave was gentler somehow, and she knew it was because it had been carefully calibrated for their destination. Also, Voyager was properly oriented to it, and in less than three seconds the ride smoothed out. No, this was nothing like when they’d been pulled into the Delta Quadrant seven years ago. No consoles were blowing up, everyone was still in their seats, and she suddenly felt a surge of absolute confidence. This was how it was supposed to be.

The ride lasted perhaps half a minute before she knew, even without benefit of the main viewer, that her ship had come to a full stop.

“Bridge to Engineering,” said Janeway. “Status.”

There was a slight pause. Then: “All systems normal, Captain,” said B’Elanna. “Bringing propulsion on line now. It’s safe to power up all systems.”

“You heard her,” said Janeway. “Bring up your stations. Mr. Kim, where are we?”

“One moment, Captain,” said Harry as he waited for his console to power up. Then he punched in a command, and before he spoke she knew where they were. His ear-to-ear grin gave him away.

“We’re in the Alpha Quadrant. At the precise coordinates we expected.” He activated the main viewer, showing a star field that looked no different from any other star field they’d seen.

Except that these were Alpha Quadrant stars.

An ear shattering cheer rose from the bridge crew, and Janeway felt a grin breaking across her own face. She hit the all-hail.

“All hands, this is the captain.” She paused, savoring the moment. “Welcome home. We’ve arrived in the no-fly zone, exactly as expected, and will be resuming the final part of our journey as soon as we receive clearance from Starfleet. Power up your stations and return to your duties. We’ll be at Earth in three days.”

She closed the channel and surreptitiously wiped her eyes. She’d done it. After seven years, untold amounts of heartache and compromises and choices that would forever haunt her, she’d done it. They were home.

Straightening, she said, “Janeway to sickbay. Any casualties?”

“Not a one,” said Revi. “I just reactivated the Doctor, and now I’m sitting here filing my fingernails.”

Janeway closed her eyes in gratitude. “Keep filing, Doctor Sandovhar. I don’t plan on giving you any more work from now until we land on the front lawn of Starfleet Headquarters.”

“Sounds good to me.”

“Me too,” said Janeway fervently. “Janeway out.” She looked at Harry. “Any sign of a welcoming party?”

“Actually, Captain,” said Harry, “we’re being hailed. Shall I put it on?”

“Please,” she said, leaning back in her chair.

The star field vanished, replaced by the smiling visage of Admiral Necheyev. “Captain Janeway. It’s a great pleasure to see you. Welcome home.”

“Thank you, Admiral,” said Janeway, suddenly feeling a bit overwhelmed. “It’s good to be home.”

Necheyev nodded. “What’s your status?”

“All systems normal, no casualties,” said Janeway.

“Excellent. The displacement wave was far smaller than we expected; our current no-fly borders are well outside the danger zone. We’re heading across the zone now, and should be there within fifteen minutes. Please prepare to receive myself, Admiral Paris, and a civilian observer.”

Janeway barely kept the scowl off her face. A civilian observer? She’d been home for all of sixty seconds and already she was going to have to make nice and play politics? Shit. Maybe she should have stayed in the Delta Quadrant.

Oh—Alison. It could only be Alison Necheyev; Janeway couldn’t imagine Admiral Necheyev allowing anyone else to come. She was notorious for not playing along with politicians wanting publicity opportunities, and in fact had already told Janeway that the press and politicians would be set up at Academy Headquarters for their triumphant landing. This final flight home was for Starfleet, which had put so much effort and resources into their return. Everyone else could wait. But the Hamilton Foundation had been just as involved as Starfleet, once Lynne had been found, so it made sense that Alison would be along for this ride.

“We’ll be pleased to receive you,” she said politely.

The Admiral nodded. “Until then. Necheyev out.”

The screen returned to a star field, and Janeway forced her body to relax. Before she could say anything else, Harry spoke up.

“Captain, we do have a welcoming party. On screen now.”

She sat up straight as the stars vanished once again. The view made her breath catch.

“How many are there, Harry?”

“Forty-five,” he said, pride evident in his voice. “Starfleet sent more than a welcoming party, Captain. They sent the best of the fleet.”

She nodded absently, drinking in the sight. The main viewer was absolutely filled with ships. All different shapes and sizes, but all Starfleet; all sharing a beautiful, heartbreakingly familiar design theme. After seven years of seeing strange ship designs, this scene was simply jaw-dropping. Slowly she swept her gaze from one side of the viewer to the other. So far as she could tell, every type of ship in the fleet was represented, from the tiny runabouts right on up to…

“Is that the Enterprise?” she asked.

“Yes,” said Harry. “I’m sending a fleet roster to your console now.”

She called up the roster and avidly scrolled down. Oh, god, she knew them all. So many familiar names…some of them she’d only read about, since they’d been built during and after the Dominion War. But the majority she knew from before their stranding, and their very familiarity brought a lump to her throat.

She punched in a command to feed the video to all ship’s monitors.

“All hands, this is the captain. If you’ll turn to your nearest monitor, you’ll see that Starfleet sent a ship or two to welcome us home.” She cut the channel again and leaned her head against the back of her chair, clenching her jaw to hold the tears back. She’d been so damned busy preparing for the launch—and then thinking that she’d lost everything she cared about—that she had never quite prepared herself for this moment. The moment when her job was over, and they were actually home.

Raptly she watched the oncoming fleet, the emotion building in her chest until she finally stood up, unable to stay still any longer. “Congratulations, everyone,” she said. “I’ll be in Transporter Room One, waiting for our first guests. Chakotay, you have the bridge.” She smiled. “Try to keep us out of trouble.”

He gave her a blinding grin. “I’ll do my best, Captain.”

She nodded, then walked around to the steps and up to the turbolift. When the doors slid shut, she let herself go limp.

Oh, my fucking god, she thought, unconsciously using Lynne’s phrasing. This is it. We’re actually home.

When the turbolift arrived on deck four, she found the corridor packed with crew members talking excitedly among themselves. They all went silent as she came out of the ‘lift.

“As you were,” she said with a smile. “I’m sure you’ve got a lot to talk about.” And then she stopped, stunned, as all of the crew members stepped back to the walls and stood at attention.

“I said ‘as you were,” she repeated, wondering why they were behaving so strangely.

It was Tal Celes, of all people, who stepped out of the lineup and faced her.

“Captain Janeway,” she said, “I think I speak for all of us when I say it has been a pleasure to serve under you. I don’t know if anyone else could have kept us alive for all that time, or gotten us home in one piece.” She smiled, a natural smile that looked wonderful on her youthful face. “Thank you, Captain.”

“Thank you, Captain,” came a chorus of voices, and Janeway felt her tears rising once again. They seemed dangerously close to the surface this morning.

“You’re very welcome,” she said, her voice tight. “And the pleasure has been mine.” She nodded, then resumed her walk down the corridor. None of them moved as she passed, but every face had a smile on it.

So did hers.

 

 

-----

 

 

“Initiating transport,” said Ensign Nozawa.

Janeway waited impatiently as three figures began to materialize on the transporter pad. She instantly recognized the emerging patterns of Starfleet uniforms on two of the people—that would be Admirals Necheyev and Paris. And then there was Alison, who would no doubt want to talk to Lynne. But Lynne was in no shape to face the CEO of the Foundation just yet. Janeway would make sure Alison got nowhere near her; not today.

Here we go. Put your best face on, Katie.

The patterns solidified, and her best face slid right off as she recognized the third person.

“Mom,” she whispered in shock.

Necheyev and Paris stood motionless on the pad, watching as Gretchen Janeway stepped off, a shaky smile on her face. She walked to Janeway and stopped, as if unsure what to do.

“Kathryn,” she said, her voice trembling. “I caught a ride out. I hope you don’t mind.”

Janeway never had a chance. She was so surprised by her mother’s unexpected appearance that her command mask simply abandoned her, leaving her stripped down to bare emotion.

“Mind?” she choked out. “How could I possibly mind?” She closed the distance between them and felt herself enclosed in an achingly familiar hug.

“It’s so good to see you,” she whispered, fighting to hold back the tears.

Gretchen had no such need. The woman who had exemplified emotional control to Janeway broke down and sobbed openly, holding her daughter as if she would never, ever let her go again. “Oh, darling,” she gasped. “Oh, my sweet child. My Kathryn…”

Janeway could only hold on as her mother cried in her arms. She felt her heart breaking into a thousand pieces; she’d never in her life heard her mom cry like this. Not even when her father had died.

“Mom, I’m okay,” she said. “I’m here, and I’m okay.”

“I know,” sobbed Gretchen. “I can feel you.” Impossibly, she squeezed Janeway even more tightly. “You’re so thin.”

Janeway couldn’t help herself, she laughed. “You always say that.”

Gretchen pulled back enough to look into Janeway’s eyes. Tears were streaming down her face, and Janeway automatically brought her hand up and wiped them away. It was a gesture she’d used on Lynne far too often, and she suddenly froze as she realized how inappropriate it was for her mother. But Gretchen just smiled at her.

“I love you,” she whispered.

“I love you too.” The captain part of Janeway was far too aware of the three witnesses to this reunion, but the daughter part of her didn’t give a tribble’s ass. This moment would come once in a lifetime; she wasn’t about to make her mother uncomfortable by reverting to her captain persona right now.

“I can’t wait to meet Lynne,” said Gretchen, her voice far more steady now.

But the innocent comment nearly undid Janeway. She fought for control, then said carefully, “And she can’t wait to meet you.”

Gretchen gave her a keen look. “What aren’t you telling me?”

Janeway leaned in and whispered, “Later, Mom. I promise.” She kept one arm around her mother’s waist as she turned back to her other two guests.

“Admiral Necheyev; Admiral Paris. Welcome aboard.”

They’d obviously been waiting for the cue. Both of them stepped down and approached, large smiles on their faces.

“It’s good to be here,” said Admiral Necheyev. “Voyager looks to be in perfect condition, barring a few interesting hull alterations.” She held out her hand.

“Those are the Borg additions,” said Janeway as she shook hands. “There’s quite a bit more on the inside, if you’d like to see it.”

“Yes, I would,” said Necheyev in clipped tones. “In fact, I expect the whole tour.”

Admiral Paris took Janeway’s hand as soon as Necheyev released it, but instead of shaking it, he pulled her into a bear hug. “I’ve been waiting for this,” he said. “Well done, Captain. You’ve accomplished the impossible.”

She stepped back and smiled. “If I ever once thought it was impossible to get home, Admiral, we never would have made it. We’re here now because we never gave up hope.” She shifted her gaze to Necheyev and looked her in the eye. “And because we had some excellent support from home.”

She saw the acknowledgement in Necheyev’s expression, then lightened her tone. “Would you like to begin that tour now?”

“Yes,” Necheyev answered for all of them. “Starting with the bridge.”

It was a strange feeling, standing in the turbolift with two Starfleet admirals and her mother. She’d dreamed of coming home for so long that this moment seemed surreal. And that feeling only increased when she led her guests onto the upper bridge deck and announced, “Admirals on the bridge!”

Every member of the bridge crew leaped to their feet, standing stiffly at attention. In the background, the main viewer showed a scene that made Janeway’s eyes mist. Forty-five of Starfleet’s finest were clustered in front of them, and she suddenly saw Voyager as part of a fleet again. Not a ship on her own, not a trespasser, not a target, but one ship of many. A ship that was back where it belonged.

Necheyev, who as Fleet Admiral outranked Paris, strolled down to the main bridge level and stood among the crew, most of whom topped her by several centimeters. She put her hands on her hips and surveyed the bridge as if she owned it—which, Janeway realized with a sinking feeling, she did. The moment Paris and Necheyev had beamed aboard, Janeway had lost control of her ship.

It had been a long, long time since she’d felt that institutionalized loss of power.

Finally Necheyev nodded her head. “Captain Janeway has spoken very highly of you, and one thing I’ve learned through her logs and reports is that she does not give praise where it’s not earned. You are all a credit to your uniforms. Congratulations on a job well done.” She turned to include every one of them in her gaze, then said, “As you were.”

Amid the slight rustling of the crew retaking their seats, Necheyev walked to the captain’s chair and stood in front of it. Janeway schooled her expression into her best command mask, but an extremely territorial part of her was growling. That was her chair, dammit!

Necheyev raised her head, looked Janeway in the eye, then took a step to her right. “Commander Chakotay, may I?”

“Certainly, Admiral.” Chakotay stood up hastily and walked around to the upper deck level.

“Thank you.” Necheyev settled herself in the chair and looked up at Janeway. “Captain, if you’d take your seat, I think there are a few well-wishers out there who would like to speak with you.”

Janeway nodded and made her way down the ramp to the main level. The message had been loud and clear, and she was deeply grateful to Necheyev for leaving her in command of Voyager during these last three days. As she sat in her chair, Necheyev said, “Mr. Kim, hail the Enterprise.”

“Aye, Admiral.”

Janeway smothered a grin; not since Harry’s first year on Voyager had he sounded so nervous.

“On screen,” announced Harry, and the bridge of the Enterprise appeared.

“Captain Janeway.” The rich, deep voice was unmistakable. “It’s a great pleasure to speak with you in person. Welcome home.”

“Thank you, Captain Picard. It’s good to be back. Though I’m a little surprised to see forty-five ships out there. We didn’t know what to expect, but it wasn’t that.”

He smiled easily. “Originally it was supposed to be just the Enterprise, the Ghandi, and the Challenger. The rest just tagged along.”

“Any excuse for a good party,” added Commander Riker with an infectious grin.

And suddenly the sense of surrealism lifted. Janeway gave them a broad smile. “Is that an invitation?”

“As a matter of fact,” said Picard, “it is. We’ve got three days’ journey ahead of us, Captain; we certainly can’t expect not to have a bit of revelry along the way. Every available member of your crew is formally invited to the Enterprise at 1900 hours tomorrow. We’ll have transporters standing by for the mass transport.”

Tomorrow. In other words, they hadn’t been certain enough of Voyager’s successful return to make it tonight. Well, she didn’t blame them.

“I accept your invitation on behalf of my crew,” she said. “All I ask is that you return them to my ship in the same condition as when they left.”

He shook his head. “I do apologize, Captain Janeway, but our intent is just the opposite. We intend to return them in a far more relaxed condition.”

She grinned again. “Well, in that case, I’d better tell sickbay to replicate a few cases of inaprovaline injections.”

Riker winked at her, and Counselor Deanna Troi gave her a beaming smile as well. Oh yes, there were going to be a lot of stumbling crew members tomorrow night. Well, they’d earned it. Every bit of it.

She spent the next ten minutes exchanging pleasantries with Captain Harding of the Ghandi and Captain T’wanor of the Challenger, which, with the Enterprise, made up the three largest ships in the fleet surrounding them. Then Necheyev called a temporary halt to the greetings.

“I’d like to proceed with that tour, Captain,” she said as she rose from her chair. Janeway instantly stood as well.

“Of course, Admiral. What would you like to see first?”

The answer surprised her. “Sickbay. I want to meet your new CMO.”

Janeway knew that as soon as they left, Chakotay would be calling Revi to warn her. “Certainly. If you’ll follow me. Chakotay, you have the bridge.”

She led Necheyev back up the ramp, where Paris and her mother were already stepping into the turbolift. Of course Necheyev would want to meet her ex-Borg crew members first. Shit. She was going to have to tell them now.

As soon as the doors closed, she called out, “Computer, halt turbolift.” She turned to her surprised passengers and steeled herself. “Before we go to sickbay, you need to know that I have an injured crewmember there.”

Paris raised his eyebrows. “You said there were no casualties.”

“I said there were no casualties from the launch. We had two casualties from an incident just prior to the launch, after our last MIDAS communication. There’s been no time to inform you.” She took a deep breath. “Shortly after leaving my final meeting on Terellia, my hovercraft was hijacked by a group of Free Terellians intent on revenge for our interference in their attempt to destroy the Caretaker. They were planning a public execution.”

She saw her mother stiffen, and continued in an even tone, “I sustained a knife wound to the face and a shattered patella. Ms. Hamilton sustained a high-intensity phaser blast to the chest. She’s doing well, thanks to Doctor Sandovhar.”

“Then Doctor Sandovhar is very skilled indeed,” observed Necheyev. “That type of injury is usually fatal.”

Oh, god, she didn’t want to do this, but she had to report it sooner or later. She’d just never envisioned saying it in front of her mother.

“It was.”

Silence.

“What exactly are you saying, Captain?” Necheyev’s voice was clipped.

Another deep breath. “Ms. Hamilton died on Terellia. In the course of defending me, she killed nine men, four of them after sustaining the chest wound. She died a few minutes after killing the last of the attackers.” Janeway forced down the memory of Lynne’s lifeless eyes. “But her Borg nanoprobes kept her neural pathways intact, and as soon as we got her back to Voyager Doctor Sandovhar was able to repair the damage and reactivate her.”

Necheyev narrowed her eyes. “I will require every bit of data from that procedure, Captain Janeway.”

“Yes, Admiral.” She waited, and when nothing else was forthcoming, ordered, “Computer, resume.”

Not a word was spoken until they entered sickbay. Janeway led her guests up to Revi and made the introductions, mindful of the one occupied biobed. Lynne appeared to be asleep.

Revi was her usual calm, courteous self, completely unintimidated by the sudden appearance of two admirals in her sickbay. She answered Necheyev’s pointed questions, and Paris’ more general ones, with equal aplomb.

“I’ll be happy to give you my full report,” she said in answer to one of Necheyev’s questions. “But I can tell you right now that this procedure will be ineffective in ninety-nine point eight percent of fatalities. The neural pathways must be intact for it to work, and in most humanoids, those pathways begin to degrade even before death. They degrade further, and at an accelerated rate, immediately after death. The procedure worked on Mr. Neelix because the manner of his death effectively froze his neural pathways. And it worked on Ms. Hamilton because of her nanoprobes. Both were exceptional cases.”

Necheyev nodded. “I understand. But for the other point two percent, such a procedure will be nothing short of a miracle.” She looked over at Lynne. “Can you wake her?”

“No. I’m sorry, Admiral, but Ms. Hamilton’s sleep is important to her recovery. If you like, I can notify you when she wakes up on her own.”

“That will have to do,” said Necheyev, obviously not pleased. She turned to Janeway. “Take us to Astrometrics.”

“Admiral,” said Gretchen, “if you don’t mind, I’d like to hop off the tour here.”

Necheyev’s expression softened slightly as she regarded the elder Janeway. “I understand.”

Janeway heartily wished she had that option. Instead, she was forced to leave both her mother and her wife behind as she continued the official tour.

It was going to be a long morning.

 

 

 

 

---

chapter 32

 

 

Lynne still hadn’t woken by the time Necheyev and Paris were ready to return to the Enterprise. After speaking with her mother, Janeway asked for and received permission to house the “civilian observer” on Voyager for the rest of the journey home. She saw her guests off with an enormous sense of relief, waited while a crew member on the Enterprise collected and transported Gretchen’s case over, then led her mother to her guest quarters. She showed her the amenities, hugged her briefly, then said she had to get back to the bridge and would return as soon as she could.

In truth, there wasn’t much to do. But it was time to resume their journey home, and she needed to be on the bridge as Voyager took her place in the fleet and jumped to warp six. Then she spent some time in her ready room, speaking to several of the captains who had come to escort her home. It was an emotional time. When she’d had all she could handle, she turned the bridge over to Chakotay and told him she’d be either in her quarters or sickbay.

Returning to the guest quarters almost two hours after she’d left, Janeway rang the entry chime.

The door slid open and Gretchen smiled at her. “Are you off duty?”

“I don’t think I’ll really be off duty for weeks, Mom. But I’m off the bridge, and Chakotay knows how to find me if he needs me. Would you like to come to my quarters?”

Gretchen stepped out. “I’d love to see where you live.”

At least for the next three days, thought Janeway. They walked through the corridor and rode the turbolift in silence. There was so much to be said, and none of it was appropriate in public. It was with some relief that Janeway led them into the familiar confines of her own quarters.

As soon as the doors closed behind them and they were finally alone together, Gretchen turned and held her arms open. Janeway instantly felt nine years old as she threw herself into her mother’s arms and felt them close around her, protecting her, soothing her, holding the world at bay. They held each other for a long, long time before Gretchen finally asked softly, “Are you all right?”

Janeway shook her head. “No,” she managed. “It’s been absolute hell.” Her throat was aching from the effort not to cry.

“I’m so sorry, Kathryn. I can only imagine how you must have felt. At least I didn’t—” She stopped, but Janeway knew what she’d meant to say.

“At least you didn’t see Dad die?”

Gretchen pulled away and looked her in the eyes. “Yes.”

“You know what, Mom?”

Gretchen reached up to brush Janeway’s hair behind her ear. “What, darling?”

“This was worse. Far worse.” Tears began to leak out of Janeway’s eyes, and she gave up trying to stop them. “With Dad I was so in shock from the crash that I hardly realized what I was seeing. I didn’t even remember it until just a few years ago. But this…this was right there in front of me. I held her hand and looked into her eyes while she asked me for one final thing.” Her throat closed up and she turned away, then choked out, “I saw every second of it. I saw her eyes go blank. Oh, god…” She bent over at the waist, the agony she’d fought so hard to contain bursting its confines and overwhelming her. Gentle hands turned her back, and she buried her face in her mother’s shoulder and cried, the sobs racking her body until she could barely hold herself upright.

“I’m sorry,” she gasped.

“Don’t you dare apologize for showing me your feelings,” said Gretchen fiercely. “Kathryn Janeway, all your life I have wanted nothing more than to be there for you. Up until you were twelve years old you let me. And then you stopped.” She began to cry as well. “Do you have any idea how much it meant to me when you asked for my help after Lynne was assimilated? I lost you long before you were stranded. And when I saw that message I knew I had a second chance. I am so grateful to be holding you right now. I never stopped wanting to be your mother. Thank you for letting me back in.”

Hearing her mother’s words and the tears that accompanied them undid every restraint Janeway had left. She’d gone into her mother’s arms for comfort, but now she felt an equally strong need to provide that same comfort—and both needs were heartwrenching. The two women clung to each other, sharing both their vulnerability and their strength, opening themselves in a way they never had before.

Eventually their tears subsided and they pulled away from each other, though Janeway kept her arms around her mother’s waist. Gretchen fished a handkerchief out of her pocket and wiped her eyes as her lips curved in a wry smile. “I thought I might need this.”

“Good planning,” said Janeway, summoning up a smile of her own. She excused herself to the bathroom and splashed cold water on her face, then returned to her mother feeling quite a bit more in control of herself.

Which was good, because Gretchen promptly threw her a bomb.

“Kathryn…I should tell you that I saw what happened.”

Janeway stared. “What do you mean?”

“I mean I convinced Doctor Sandovhar to show me the recording. I wanted the details in case Lynne woke up. And…well, I just needed to see it.”

“Oh, Mom.” Janeway didn’t know what to say.

“I’m half sorry I did, because frankly I’m never going to be able to forget it. Any of it.” Gretchen took a deep, shuddering breath. “But I also knew you’d never be able to forget it, and I wanted to know what you were dealing with. I needed to know so I could be there for you.”

That was twice now that Gretchen had used that phrase. “Mom,” said Janeway, “you’ve always been there for me.”

Gretchen shook her head. “No, I haven’t. I wanted to, and I tried, but somewhere along the road you took a different path and I didn’t know how to stay with you. You were always Edward’s daughter, and Phoebe was always mine. That doesn’t mean I ever loved you any less. I just…didn’t know how to show you. You never seemed to want it.” She dabbed at her eyes with the handkerchief. “I love you, Kathryn. You’re my child, my flesh and blood, and my dreams. I lost you once, and I have no intention of ever losing you again. I’m going to get it right this time. So I watched that horrible video, and I watched a man slicing my daughter’s face open, and I watched you holding Lynne’s hand as she died.” The handkerchief came back up again as her eyes overflowed. “Thank god she was assimilated.”

The bark of laughter that came out of Janeway’s throat startled her. “Do you know I thought that exact same thing? After all the hell we went through—the loss of her arm and her self-esteem, the nightmares, the depression and the anger—I ended up being grateful for it. Because that’s the only reason she’s down in sickbay right now instead of the morgue.”

“It’s also the only reason you’re here right now,” said Gretchen, and Janeway could only nod. Then she smiled.

“She was amazing, wasn’t she?”

Gretchen reached out for her hand. “Kathryn, she married you. I already knew she was amazing. But yes, what she did on that planet defied belief.”

Janeway tugged her mom’s hand, leading her to the couch. They sat in silence for some time, holding hands and just enjoying being together. At last Janeway said, “I don’t think it’s that you didn’t know how to show me you loved me, Mom. It’s that I didn’t know how to see it. I was too focused on getting Dad’s approval. I was trying so hard to be what I thought he wanted that I didn’t see what you were offering.”

Gretchen’s grip tightened on her hand. “Do you know how to see it now?”

“Yes,” Janeway whispered, looking into her eyes. “I’ve known for awhile. And I thought I might never get the chance to tell you. I love you, Mom. I never stopped; I just…” She paused, the irony making her shake her head. “I guess I’m the one who didn’t know how to show it.”

“You’re showing it now.” Gretchen’s voice trembled. “And if seven years of hell were what I had to go through to get here, then it was worth it.”

They smiled at each other, and Janeway had the same feeling she’d had when she cleaned the hydration gel off Lynne’s face—that deep, perfect feeling of something sliding into place.

They talked into the afternoon, their conversation coming far more easily than Janeway would ever have imagined. When she’d last seen her mom, there had been a familiar distance between them that always kept Janeway a little on edge. It was only now that she realized she was the one who had caused that distance. Or at least part of it.

She had just risen to fetch them both a second cup of coffee when Revi called.

“Sandovhar to Janeway.”

“Janeway here.”

“Kathryn, Lynne’s awake and asking for you. She doesn’t know you have a guest.”

Janeway smiled. “Thanks, Revi. We’ll be right there.” She turned to her mother. “Would you like to meet your daughter-in-law?”

“No,” said Gretchen. “But I would like to meet my daughter.”

Janeway left her mother standing in the corridor outside sickbay while she went in to prepare the surprise. Lynne was sitting up in her biobed, watching her as she approached.

“Hi, love,” she said. “Look, Revi let me sit up. Next thing you know I’ll be dancing.”

“I just want to know when the next strip tease performance is,” said Janeway, reaching out for her hand and lacing their fingers. “I thought I might get one for our anniversary, but no luck.”

Lynne’s eyes crinkled as she smiled. “That might be a birthday thing. But then again you never know.”

“How are you feeling?” asked Janeway.

“Like I want the hell out of here. I want to see those forty-five ships I’ve heard are escorting us home.” Her eyes shone with excitement. “Kathryn, we’ll be home in three days! I can’t wait to see your family. I can’t wait to see Earth.”

“I can’t either. But duty is already getting in the way. I spent half the day escorting Admiral Necheyev and Admiral Paris all over the ship, plus a civilian observer they brought with them. The observer is still here.” She paused. “She wants to speak with you. I know you’re probably not in the mood, but would you talk to her?”

Lynne’s brows furrowed. “Why does she want to talk to me?”

“Because you’re Lynne Hamilton,” said Janeway truthfully.

“Oh, that’s just great! We aren’t even home yet and already that crap is starting. Doesn’t she know I’m on my deathbed?”

Janeway stopped and stared. “Lynne…”

“I’m sorry.” Lynne was instantly contrite. “I really am, Kathryn. I don’t know why I say these things sometimes.”

Janeway shook her head. “Because you’re trying to make light of it. And maybe someday I can laugh at it with you, but not today. Probably not for a few decades, to be honest.”

“Kathryn…I’m truly sorry. Forgive me?”

“Sure,” said Janeway, seizing the opening, “if you’ll talk to the observer.”

“That’s blackmail!”

“Ah, but to paraphrase what a wise woman once told me, blackmail is such an unpleasant word. I prefer to think of it as simple negotiation.”

“Using my own words on me is not nice.” But Lynne sighed and Janeway knew she had her. “Fine, I’ll talk to her. Jesus. I can’t believe she would come to me in sickbay.”

Janeway pushed a little further. “She’s already been here, actually. Revi said she waited around for a couple of hours, hoping you’d wake up.”

Lynne’s eyes widened. “Okay, that’s kind of sick. I don’t want to talk to her now.”

“Too late. You already agreed.”

“Kathryn!”

But Janeway just gave her a sunny smile and walked away. “Be right back,” she called over her shoulder.

Gretchen was pacing the corridor when Janeway came out. “Mom,” she laughed, “she’s ready for you.”

Her mother gave her a patented mom look. “Kathryn Janeway, what have you done?”

“Well,” Janeway tried unsuccessfully to suppress another snort of laughter, “she thinks you’re an ill-mannered civilian observer with politics on the mind, determined to talk to her in spite of the fact that she’s confined to sickbay. Let’s just say she’s not looking forward to this.”

Now Gretchen laughed, too. “You are an evil child.”

“Don’t tell me it took you this long to figure that out.” They shared a chuckle before Janeway said, “Keep your head down as we walk in. We’ll be deep in discussion. Don’t look up until you’re right at her bedside.”

“All right,” said Gretchen, and they went back through the doors, heads down and close together. “Are you sure this isn’t going to give her a heart attack?” she whispered.

“I’m sure,” said Janeway. “I’m also sure you’re going to be the best medicine she could ever have.”

They arrived at Lynne’s biobed and Janeway looked up to see Lynne scowling at her. Then Gretchen raised her head, and Janeway knew she’d never forget the transformation on Lynne’s face. First came confusion, then recognition, then disbelief, and finally absolute, unadulterated joy.

“Gretchen!” she shouted. “Oh, god, Gretchen! What are you doing here? How did you get here? And why are you still standing there? Give me a hug!” She opened her arms.

Gretchen laughed in delight as she stepped forward and carefully slid her arms around Lynne. “I don’t want to hurt you,” she said.

“I don’t care if you do. I just want a hug.” Lynne closed her eyes and rested her head next to Gretchen’s. “This is such a wonderful surprise. You’re the observer?”

“Yes, I’m the one who was ill-mannered enough to want to see you on your sickbed.” Gretchen started to pull back, but Lynne wasn’t letting her go. Janeway watched, a broad smile on her face, as her mother sighed happily and settled back into the hug.

“Your daughter is sadistic, you know,” said Lynne.

“Yes, I know.”

“Did you teach her that? Because if you did, we’re going to have a long talk.”

“Actually, I think she got that from her father and sister. I was the only nice one in the family.”

“Hey!” said Janeway indignantly.

“I believe it,” said Lynne, opening her eyes and shooting a mock glare at Janeway. But she couldn’t hold it, her look almost instantly softening into one of love. “Kathryn, thank you,” she said quietly.

Janeway stepped up and rested a hand on her mother’s back. “You’re welcome, but I didn’t do anything.”

“You brought my other mom to see me. That’s doing something.” Lynne’s eyes misted up, and she whispered, “Gretchen, I’ve wanted this for so long. I thought I’d never get it.”

Gretchen pulled away to look into her eyes. “Well, you certainly did your best not to get it. If you have a guardian angel, she’s resting in a medical center right now, recovering from a nervous breakdown.”

Lynne gave her a half-smile. “I guess I probably did give her a workout.”

Gretchen picked up one of her hands and held it between both of her own; and Janeway wondered if she realized it was Lynne’s prosthetic hand. A moment later she decided that her mom never did anything without realizing it; she was actively choosing to hold the least human part of Lynne.

“I already owe you such a debt of gratitude,” Gretchen said. “For coming into Kathryn’s life, for choosing to stay there, and for getting her out of that awful prison. But now that debt is so large that I can never thank you enough. I can’t even express how grateful I am.”

Lynne looked at their hands. “I, um…” She hesitated, then raised her eyes. “I left my mom, Gretchen. I couldn’t let Kathryn leave you. I mean, I wasn’t thinking that clearly at the time; it was all totally instinctive. But there’s a part of me that feels I can make what I did right in some small way by making sure you don’t lose your daughter.” She shifted her gaze to Janeway and smiled. “Of course, that’s entirely separate from my own totally selfish motivation.”

But Janeway saw a familiar shadow in her eyes. It always hurt her to see it, because it was a reminder that no matter what she did, she could never make up for what Lynne had voluntarily left behind. Sometimes she could almost forget about it, but other times it hit her so hard that she just wanted to scoop Lynne into her arms and never let her go.

“You know,” said Gretchen, “I wish I could talk to your parents for just five minutes. I’d tell them what a wonderful, amazing daughter they raised. You’ve shown me so much of yourself through our correspondence, and I’ve seen even more through Kathryn’s eyes—enough to think I know you pretty well. And I’m old enough to know that oftentimes, what children become as adults says as much about their parents as it does about them. So I think your parents and I would be great friends, since they were obviously remarkable people. And there isn’t a doubt in my mind that they’d be tremendously proud of you.”

Lynne’s eyes were brimming. “I think they would be, too,” she said. “My mom always said that the whole point of living was to learn and grow, and to make a difference, either in the world or to another human being. I’ve always tried to live up to that. It’s the reason I was able to leave Earth, because I knew my mom would have told me to go. She would have said I was an idiot if I passed up the chance.”

“One of the strange things about being a parent,” said Gretchen, slipping an arm around Janeway’s waist, “is that you can be proud of your children even while they’re breaking your heart. I can easily imagine what your mother must have felt when she watched your message. But I can also imagine how much pride she felt in you, that you were doing something that took so much courage. And if she could see you now, she’d probably be bursting with it. I know I am. I’m so proud of you, Lynne, and I love you.”

Lynne’s face crumpled. “I love you too,” she managed, wiping the tears from her eyes. “I’ve been waiting for you for so long, Gretchen. I’m so glad you’re here at last.”

Gretchen let go of Janeway and wrapped her arms around Lynne again, comforting her as she cried. Janeway felt tears start to her own eyes as she watched them. There was a connection here that had nothing to do with her; and even though it felt a little odd to be outside of it, she was truly glad for her partner.

“Thank you for being here,” said Lynne into Gretchen’s shoulder. “And for all those times you helped me. You were such a rock for me, when I hardly knew which end was up after my assimilation. Without you and Kathryn I would never have gotten through it.”

Gretchen rubbed Lynne’s back and said gently, “That’s not true, Lynne. We Janeways know something about inner strength, and you’ve got a core of pure duranium inside you. You would have made it through no matter what. I’m just glad I could help make it easier.”

“I don’t think I can ever tell you how much you helped.” Lynne straightened up and wiped her face again, then whispered, “I’m so lucky to have you. I never thought I’d be lucky enough to have two great moms.”

Gretchen smiled at her but said nothing, and Janeway knew what was going through her mind. She put her arm around her mom’s waist and said, “We’re both lucky, Lynne.” She turned her head in time to catch Gretchen’s startled look of gratitude. “You are a great mom,” she added quietly. “And you’re not the only one who got a second chance.”

“Hey,” said Lynne, a note of realization in her voice. “Where’s Phoebe?”

“Back on Earth and envious as hell,” said Gretchen. “Admiral Necheyev bent the rules quite a bit getting me on as an observer; bringing Phoebe as well would have pushed it too far. So she’s waiting for us, and not any too patiently, either. I’m probably already in trouble for not calling her yet.”

“Maybe we can all call her later,” said Lynne. Then she brightened. “We can have real calls now, can’t we?”

“Yes, we can,” said Janeway, understanding immediately. “No time limit. You can talk whenever you want and for as long as you want.”

“Cool.” Lynne took a deep breath. “So, what’s this I hear about a party tomorrow night?”

“How did you already hear about that?”

“This is sickbay, Kathryn. Revi knows everything. If you spent more time here you’d know that.”

“Well, I’m glad I don’t, and I’m sorry you do. But yes, there’s a party tomorrow night on the Enterprise. Everyone’s invited. We’ll just leave a skeleton crew on Voyager.”

“Are you going?”

“I think I’d be skinned alive if I didn’t.”

“Want an escort?”

“I’d love one,” said Janeway, her hope rising. “But my wife is a little under the weather.”

Lynne waved her hand dismissively. “I won’t be by then. Revi says I’m ready for regeneration, and if I stay in for twenty-four hours I should be almost as good as new. I’ll have to regenerate for the next two nights as well, and then just try to catch me. I’m only here because I wanted to see you before I regenerated. And because Revi said Admiral Necheyev might want to talk to me, but apparently she’s in meetings on the Enterprise.”

Janeway was delighted. “Then yes, I’d love to have an escort. I can’t wait to show you off.”

Gretchen looked from one to the other. “Would it be okay if I came along? To your regeneration, I mean?”

“Sure,” said Lynne. “There’s not much to see, but if you want to tuck me in you’re welcome to it. Gretchen, I want to talk with you a lot more, but I’ll be happier out of sickbay. Would you mind…?”

“Go,” said Gretchen. “You weren’t expecting me anyway, and I’ll be happier with you out of sickbay, too. Though I can hardly believe that you could actually heal that quickly from the kind of injury I saw.”

“You saw it too?” Lynne looked at Janeway accusingly. “Has anyone not seen it besides me?”

“Yes,” said Janeway quietly. “Me.”

That stopped Lynne cold. “Oh.”

Janeway turned and waved Revi over. “So I hear Lynne’s ready for regeneration,” she said as soon as the doctor arrived.

“Hi, Mrs. Janeway,” said Revi. “Yes, I think she is. Her nanoprobes are just about out of energy at this point. I offered to put her on the portable unit, but for some reason she doesn’t want to stay here.”

“You said I should be able to stand up by now,” said Lynne. “As long as I can stand I want the alcove. It’s so much faster.”

“Everybody always wants to leave,” said Revi. “I’m getting a complex.”

“I don’t want to leave you, Revi,” said Lynne. “I just want to leave sickbay. You can come and regenerate with me if you’d like.” She shot the doctor a grin. “We can have a slumber party.”

“Well, after taking care of you, I could use the recharge,” said Revi. “You’re a difficult patient.”

“I am not.” Lynne looked plaintively at Gretchen. “She’s trying to give me a bad name.”

“‘Revi, can I leave yet? When can I go? How much longer do I have to stay here? Come on, Revi, I feel fine,’” said Revi, lowering her voice in imitation of Lynne’s. Janeway and Gretchen both laughed while Lynne glowered at the doctor.

“I’m not that bad,” she said.

“Yes, you are. Come on, let’s see if we can get you out of here. Then I can have a life again.” Revi opened up her medical tricorder and ran the probe up and down Lynne’s body, watching the readings intently. “Well, according to this you’re ready,” she said, folding up the tricorder and setting it on a tray. “Shall we try the practical test?” She reached out for one of Lynne’s hands and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. Gretchen did the same on the other side, and together they slid Lynne off the bed, supporting her as she got used to being upright again.

“Thanks,” Lynne said after a few seconds. “I’m okay. You can let go.”

Gretchen turned to Janeway. “Is she always like this?”

Janeway nodded. “You’re lucky she let you help her at all.”

“Oh, stop,” said Lynne. “You all make it sound like I’m an invalid. And I was earlier, but I’m not now.”

“Hmm,” said Gretchen. “Kathryn, I suddenly have a whole new understanding of what you went through.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“Revi,” said Lynne, “can we get me to the alcove unit while I still have some shred of my reputation left?”

Revi smiled at her. “Too late. But we’ll get you there anyway. Computer, four to transport to the regeneration alcove, authorization Sandovhar omega six-one-five-three-eight.”

They materialized in front of the alcoves, and Janeway heard her mother take in a breath.

“Welcome to my bedroom,” said Lynne.

“It’s so…” Gretchen paused, seemingly at a loss for words.

“Yeah, I know. I felt like a robot when I first had to use one of these. But now I love it. You wouldn’t believe what these things can do.” Lynne turned and gave Gretchen another hug. “Thanks for coming out early. You made my day and then some.”

“You’re welcome. It was very much my pleasure.”

Lynne turned to Janeway, who stepped up and carefully embraced her. There was so much she wanted to say, but she’d had about all she could stand of public displays. She wanted Lynne all to herself again.

“I love you,” Lynne whispered. “Will you be here when I disconnect?”

“I’ll do my best,” Janeway promised. “I don’t have as much control over my life as I used to.”

“Your best has always been good enough.”

“So has yours.”

They looked into each other’s eyes, both understanding the unspoken message. Then Lynne let her go and, with Janeway’s assistance, made her way up the step to her alcove. She turned in place, gave Janeway a quick, almost shy kiss, and stepped backward. Janeway watched her eyes close and her body stiffen, and felt a huge sense of relief. It was ironic, really—not too many months ago she’d found this scene haunting. Now she was glad to see it, because she knew from experience what it did for her wife. Lynne would be ready to climb mountains tomorrow. Not that Janeway would let her.

She turned around and saw her mother watching her in some astonishment. “That’s it?” asked Gretchen.

“What did you expect?” Janeway stepped down to the deck.

“Well…I guess I expected something a bit more complicated. How is she connected?”

“Believe me, Mrs. Janeway, it’s complicated,” said Revi. “I had to help reassemble one of these things, and they’re incredibly complex. As far as her connection, she’s being held by a power charge to her internal implants, through the skin at the small of her back. Seven and I both have a more direct connection through our abdominal implants.”

“I see,” said Gretchen. She gazed back at Lynne. “Is she really taking her death as well as she seems to be?”

“No,” said Janeway. “She’s not dealing with it at all. I’ve never known anyone as stubborn as her when it comes to opening up about things like this.”

“I have,” said Revi and Gretchen simultaneously. They looked at each other and smiled.

Janeway rolled her eyes. “I can see it’s time to separate you two.”

 

 

-----

 

 

After taking her mother on a tour of Voyager, which was far more enjoyable than the tour she’d given earlier that day, Janeway led Gretchen to the mess for dinner. “I know how you love my replicating skills,” she teased as they sat down. “So I thought I’d save those for later.”

“I’m quivering in anticipation,” said Gretchen dryly, and Janeway laughed. She’d missed her mom’s sarcasm.

Neelix, of course, materialized at their table instantly. “Mrs. Janeway!” he said enthusiastically. “I’m thrilled to meet you! I must say I never thought I’d have the opportunity to speak with the captain’s mother, but there’s so much I’d love to talk about with you.”

“Perhaps you can start with the specials,” said Janeway quickly. This was a conversation she really wanted to avoid.

“Of course!” One nice thing about Neelix was that he was easily distracted. He happily described, in far more detail than necessary, the three items he’d prepared for tonight’s dinner.

“The Turnover Delight sounds interesting,” said Gretchen.

Janeway caught her eye and gave her a very slight shake of the head.

“But I think,” added Gretchen, “that I’m in the mood for the Notham Stew.” She glanced at Janeway, who nodded.

“Make that two, Neelix,” Janeway said.

“An excellent choice! I’ll be right back, ladies!” Neelix scurried off, and Janeway breathed a sigh of relief.

“What’s wrong with Turnover Delight?” asked Gretchen.

“I don’t think I have the vocabulary to properly explain it. Suffice to say I’ve successfully used it as a threat to keep crew in line.”

“I see.” Gretchen bit her lower lip, but it didn’t keep the smile from spreading over her face. “Now that you mention it, I do seem to recall a few complaints about the food in your messages.”

“Well, I certainly couldn’t complain to anyone else.”

“You had Lynne.”

“Only for the last two years. And sometimes complaining to just one person wasn’t enough.” Janeway raised her eyebrows in an expression that sent Gretchen into a snort of laughter, which made her laugh as well. God, it was so wonderful to have her mom here!

“I’ll get our drinks,” she said, rising from her chair. “Iced tea, slightly sweet?”

Gretchen looked pleased. “You remember. And yes, that’s still my drink.”

“Of course I remember! Why wouldn’t I?” Janeway was surprised, but that swiftly changed to concern when she saw a flash of pain cross her mother’s face.

“Kathryn, you were gone for seven years,” Gretchen said quietly. “I honestly didn’t know—still don’t know—what truly happened to you. I’m having to get to know you again. I guess I assumed you’d have to get to know me as well.”

For a moment Janeway was stunned by just how much that hurt. Why the hell wouldn’t she know her own mother? Then she realized, for perhaps the first time, that her mother had gone on living while she was away. She did have to get to know her again. Leaning down, she dropped a quick kiss on Gretchen’s cheek and whispered, “And I’m looking forward to it, Mom.”

Wide gray eyes met hers as she pulled back, and she smiled encouragingly. Gretchen reached out for her hand, clasped it tightly, and then visibly pulled herself together. “Go get our drinks,” she said. “I’ve already made one inappropriate emotional display today; I’m not about to do it again.”

Janeway opened her mouth to say something, but Gretchen waved her away, and the captain of Voyager obediently marched off to get their drinks. She had to grin at her dismissal; it had been a long time since she’d felt that. But as she placed her replicator order, the grin faded. Her mother’s words had been like a punch in the gut. All this time she’d thought about how much had happened to her and how much she’d changed; it just hadn’t occurred to her that it would go both ways. And the thought of her mother not being the same, not being the unchanging rock of her memories, was unsettling in the extreme. To her, home had meant familiarity. She’d ached for it. But how familiar was it really going to be?

By the time she returned to their table, Neelix had arrived with their food and was happily chatting with Gretchen. Janeway rolled her eyes and stepped around him to set their drinks down. The next thing out of his mouth made her hair stand on end.

“It’s such an honor to meet the mother of Captain Janeway,” he said effusively. “Now we can find out what all of us have wondered for years. Tell me, Mrs. Janeway, what was the captain like as a child?”

Janeway sent a pleading look in her mother’s direction before taking her seat, her shoulders stiff with discomfort.

But Gretchen Janeway was a career Starfleet wife, and well knew the importance of an officer’s reputation.

“Smart as a whip and independent as hell,” she said. “Mr. Neelix, I’ve enjoyed speaking with you and look forward to continuing this later. But I haven’t seen my daughter in seven years. Will you excuse us?”

“Of course, of course!” Neelix was obviously charmed. “I hope everything is to your satisfaction, and if you need anything at all, please call me.”

“I will. Thank you, Mr. Neelix.”

Neelix nodded happily and scurried off. Janeway gave her mom a grateful look.

“Thanks, Mom.”

Gretchen nodded. “I know how hard you’ve worked for your rank and reputation, Kathryn. The last thing I want to do is interfere with that in any way. Or make you uncomfortable.”

“Well, that’s different,” Janeway teased. “You used to love to make me uncomfortable.”

Gretchen’s expression remained serious. “That was before I felt you slipping away from me.”

Janeway stared, astonished at this new openness from her mother, and Gretchen nodded before taking a bite of her food. She chewed once, stopped, chewed again cautiously, and then swallowed. Her expression was priceless, and Janeway had a hard time not laughing out loud.

“So, Mom, how is it?” she asked as she tasted her own serving. Yep, it was vintage Neelix. She ate steadily, having long since gotten accustomed to the unorthodox flavors their cook used.

Gretchen drank half her iced tea before putting the glass down and fixing her daughter with an incredulous stare. “Was the Turnover Delight worse than this?”

“By an order of magnitude.”

“My god. Kathryn, I will never again tease you about your food complaints. I can’t believe you ate this for seven years.”

“I didn’t,” said Janeway, thoroughly enjoying this. “Neelix has improved dramatically. This is actually quite good.” She forked another bite into her mouth and chewed happily, watching her mother’s face.

Gretchen just shook her head. “The moment Starfleet lets you loose, you and Lynne are coming home, do you understand? And I’ll make you anything you want.”

Janeway put down her fork. “Mom,” she said truthfully, “I’ve been thinking about your home fried chicken and a whole platter of fresh-picked corn for seven years.”

Looking wistful, Gretchen shook her head. “Don’t I wish. As soon as the corn season is over I’m already looking forward to next year. But it’s January, darling. At least I can do the fried chicken. Or,” she tilted her head slightly, “I could make your grandfather’s Welsh rarebit recipe.”

Janeway consciously swallowed, her salivary glands instantly kicking into overdrive at the very mention of her grandfather’s Welsh rarebit. Gretchen nodded at the look on her face.

“That’s a yes, then?” she asked.

Janeway swallowed again. “That’s a yes. And I look forward to it very, very—okay, ‘very’ times fourteen or fifteen—much.”

Laughing, Gretchen raised her glass in a toast. “Then it’s a deal. To your first home-cooked meal.”

Janeway clinked their glasses, and as they drank, they never took their eyes from each other.

 

 

-----

 

 

The next morning, Janeway asked Gretchen, Revi and Seven over for breakfast, and enjoyed a leisurely morning with three of the most important women in her life. Seven and Gretchen hit it off immediately, having discovered their mutual love of mathematics, but Revi was a little more reserved. Janeway watched in admiration as Gretchen worked her charm on the doctor, eventually breaking down her reserve and drawing her out. It was a masterful performance of social skills, and Janeway reflected that her mom must have been an enormous asset to her father during Starfleet social occasions. Edward Janeway had been an outgoing, personable man, but he’d never had the subtlety that Gretchen was showing now.

The thought gave Janeway pause, and she suddenly realized that as much as she’d emulated her father, a significant portion of the skills she employed in her career had come from her mother. She watched through new eyes as Gretchen said something that made Revi laugh, and marveled once again how she could have spent so much of her life not seeing what her mother had to offer. For someone who valued the use of resources, she’d certainly wasted a lot of hers. Sure, she’d unconsciously absorbed some of Gretchen’s traits, but she could have been a lot more proactive about it.

“I understand why Phoebe couldn’t accompany you,” said Revi, who by now was thoroughly relaxed, “but I still wish she could have. I’d like to have met her.”

“What makes you think you won’t?” asked Janeway in surprise. “Revi, you and Seven are coming to the farm just as soon as I can get you there. Aren’t they, Mom?”

“They most certainly are. That invitation was extended last May, if I remember correctly. During Lynne’s birthday call.”

“That is correct,” said Seven. “You invited me, and Lynne accepted on my behalf. She also said that Revi would be there as well.” She raised her eyebrow. “And she characterized Revi as ‘a pushy little thing.’”

Janeway snorted into the mug she’d just lifted to her lips, barely avoiding spraying coffee back into her face. “I told her that would get her into trouble,” she said.

Revi smiled. “It’s certainly not the worst thing Lynne has said about me,” she said. “Usually when I’m telling her things she doesn’t want to hear. But she’s also called me a ‘goddess of the sickbay,’ so I’m inclined to overlook some of the less flattering characterizations.”

“In her defense,” said Janeway, “you’ve seen her at her worst moments. She doesn’t do well with enforced inactivity.”

“Tell me about it.” Revi rolled her eyes. “And contrary to what she thinks, I don’t actually take any pleasure in making her life miserable. If she’d stop showing up in my sickbay, I wouldn’t have to.”

“Amen to that,” muttered Janeway. Revi gave her a knowing look and gracefully changed the subject.

“Have you spoken with Phoebe yet?” she asked.

“We called her last night,” said Gretchen.

“And Mom went on at great length about how amazed she is that we’ve survived out here on replicated food and Neelix’s cooking,” said Janeway, smiling at the memory. Gretchen’s first taste of Neelix’s food had made quite an impact.

“I’m still amazed,” said Gretchen. “No wonder Kathryn moved heaven and earth to get Voyager home.”

Revi put her fork down. “Mrs. Janeway, I know you’re just teasing, but Kathryn moved heaven and earth—and made some significant personal sacrifices—because she felt a responsibility to her crew. There’s hardly a one of us who wouldn’t give our lives for her, because we know she’d do the same for us, and very nearly has on several occasions. So please don’t belittle her accomplishment. Not even in jest.”

The room went silent as everyone stared at Revi in surprise. Janeway felt a warmth seeping into her chest at the unexpected words, and she reached across the table to grasp her defender’s hand. “Revi, thank you. But I know my mom didn’t mean it that way.”

Revi looked at her, and for a moment Janeway was a little taken aback at the emotion that blazed in her dark eyes.

“I certainly didn’t,” said Gretchen, “but Revi makes an excellent point and one that I’ll keep in mind. Revi, to know that my daughter has the support of such loyal friends as you makes my heart actually hurt. But it’s a good kind of hurt. Thank you for being here for her. And by the way, if you’re coming to my house and eating my food, you’d better call me Gretchen. That goes for you, too, Seven.”

Revi nodded, a smile spreading across her face, and the conversation resumed. Janeway herself didn’t contribute nearly as much as she might have ordinarily; she was having too much fun watching her mother and her two best friends together. Not to mention recovering from that look she’d seen in Revi’s eyes. Sometimes she forgot just how deeply her friend felt things. Revi was so good at putting up her easy, casual persona that even Janeway, who knew better, tended to buy into it at times. But moments like the one that had just occurred were a quick and effective reminder.

After one of the best mornings she could ever remember having, it was time to bid her guests goodbye, send her mother back to her quarters, and get ready for the return of Admirals Necheyev and Paris. But before she had to become Captain Janeway again, she stopped in at Revi’s quarters, two doors down from her own.

Revi and Seven were both there, unsurprisingly. “Can’t get enough of us, can you?” asked Revi.

“Never,” said Janeway. She walked right up to Revi and pulled the surprised doctor into a warm hug. Revi returned the hug briefly and let go, but Janeway just tightened her arms. After a moment, she felt Revi’s arms go around her back once more and her friend relaxed, melting against her body.

“I just wanted to say thank you.” Janeway spoke quietly into Revi’s ear. “What you said to my mom meant a lot to me.”

“It was the truth,” said Revi.

“It was your truth, and that’s what means so much to me.” She held Revi for several more seconds, then reluctantly let her go. After a last look into her eyes, Janeway turned toward Seven.

“It’s my truth, too,” said Seven, and Janeway had to swallow hard.

“Come here,” she said, pulling Seven into an embrace. “I know that. And I count myself very, very lucky to have the two of you in my life.” And things are going to be so different now. Not having these two women in her daily life was something she really didn’t want to think about. In fact, there was a lot about coming home that she hadn’t thought about until now, and it was hitting her hard.

She released Seven and stepped to the door. “Back to duty,” she said. “By the way, you’re coming to the party tonight, aren’t you?”

Revi didn’t look thrilled at the prospect, but Seven answered for both of them. “Yes. I wish to meet Locutus.”

It took Janeway a second to make the connection. “Seven, don’t call him that.”

Seven nodded in comprehension. “I understand. It’s the designation by which I knew him, and therefore more…natural for me than Captain Picard. But I will not make that mistake.”

Janeway breathed a sigh of relief. Thank god this had come up now and not at the party tonight; she wouldn’t have wanted to be in the same room if Seven had stalked up to Picard and called him Locutus. “I know you won’t. And I’ll look forward to seeing both of you there.” She nodded her farewell and headed for the turbolift.

Debriefings, inane chitchat, politics—my first full day of Alpha Quadrant duty. Suddenly she missed Lynne desperately.

“Deck eight,” she said, and felt the ‘lift change direction. A few minutes later she let herself into the regeneration alcove and walked up to Lynne. Her practiced eye could instantly discern the differences between this morning and yesterday afternoon—Lynne looked vastly improved.

“Hi, sweetheart,” she said quietly, reaching up to run a finger down Lynne’s cheek. “You look gorgeous. And we still haven’t had that talk.” She sighed, wondering if they’d have time tonight. It was likely that they wouldn’t get back from the party until late, and she didn’t know how much energy Lynne would have by then. And by tomorrow evening they’d be at Earth, when the hurricane would begin.

She leaned in and dropped a kiss on Lynne’s lips. The first time she’d ever done that, Lynne had startled her by mentioning it later in the day. She’d said that she wasn’t aware of the kiss at the time, but when she ended her cycle she knew it had happened. “And it was such a great feeling,” she’d said with her characteristic half-smile. After that, Janeway had made a point of delivering kisses on a fairly regular basis. It was a good feeling for her, too.

“I’ve got to get ready for my debriefing,” she said. “I’ll try my damnedest to be here when you’re done, but if I’m not, that kiss should remind you that I love you. And I miss you like crazy.” And there’s so much I need to say to you. God, when will we have time?

With a final caress, she turned and left.

 

 

 

 

---

chapter 33

 

 

It had been a very long time since Janeway had been in a debriefing like this one. A holographic recorder on the table blinked silently, reminding her that everything she said, every expression on her face, was going on permanent record. She answered a thousand questions about the Terellian Gifting procedures, the treaty negotiations, the Free Terellian attack on the Caretaker array, and the attack on herself and Lynne. She repeated every detail she’d already recorded in her ship’s logs and then answered more questions that came from a slightly different angle, but asked essentially the same thing. It was a tactic she well recognized, since it was one she had employed many times herself.

It took several hours to get through the Terellia debriefing. They took a short break for food—just in time, since it was well past the lunch hour—and then Necheyev began asking questions about the Borg Queen, the nanoscrubbers, and Lancer Andira Tal. Janeway groaned internally. Were they going to dissect her entire seven-year journey? She’d already spent weeks answering questions and justifying her decisions, during her review after they’d established daily contact with Starfleet. The only thing that had made that period tolerable was her belief that she was getting it over with and wouldn’t have to deal with it when she got home. Apparently that wasn’t the case.

A slow eternity passed by as she recounted her strategy for the attack on the Queen and the specific results of the nanoscrubber weapon. While Necheyev and Paris argued with each other regarding the future usage of the nanoscrubbers—an argument that had obviously been going on for months—Janeway took a quick glance at the chronometer readout built into the edge of the conference room table. Great, just great; it was nearly 1800 hours. Lynne had come out of her regeneration cycle half an hour ago. Goddammit, she’d wanted to be there for that!

Another fifteen minutes crawled by before Paris said, in tones of surprise, “We’ve gone over our time. The party starts in less than an hour.”

No shit, Owen. Janeway kept her expression polite.

“The party,” sniffed Necheyev. “We’re discussing the future of the Federation and you’re worried about a party.”

“I’m not worried,” he said. “But unlike some, I understand the significance of recognition to crew morale. This crew, and quite a few members of the Enterprise crew, need this party. And they need to see us there.”

Necheyev looked like she’d rather suck lemons. Actually, thought Janeway with an internal smile, she looked a bit like she was sucking on one now. But she sighed, stood up, and deactivated the holographic recorder. “All right, this debriefing is over. We’ll pick it up tomorrow at 0800 hours.”

“Alynna,” said Paris mildly, “you may be able to get by on a few hours sleep, but I’m past that point in my life. You know we’ll have to be at that party until 0100 or 0200. I, for one, would like more than six hours sleep tonight. The debriefing doesn’t have to be finished before we get back to Earth. How about starting at 1000?”

Necheyev looked at Janeway, who stared back at her with absolutely no expression on her face. She wasn’t about to get caught in the middle of their squabbling, even though she was firmly on Paris’ side in this instance.

“Well,” said Necheyev at last, “since I would prefer for you to be awake, Admiral, we’ll meet here at 1000 hours.” She picked up the recorder and tucked it under her arm. “See you at the party.” The doors closed behind her.

Paris smiled at Janeway. “She gets a bit single-minded at times.”

“It’s important,” said Janeway carefully.

“So is family,” he said. For a moment Janeway thought her own impatience had been all too obvious, but then Paris smiled and added, “And I haven’t gotten a chance to talk to mine yet. I can’t wait to see Tom and B’Elanna.” The smile grew into a huge grin. “And I have a granddaughter on the way!”

Janeway grinned back. “Yes, you do. And she’s one-quarter Klingon, so god help you.”

They laughed as they rose, and Janeway gladly left the conference room behind her for a few hours. Tomorrow would be another long, tiring day, but for now she was relatively free. Sure, tonight would be more work than play, but it was a different kind of work. And she’d have Lynne by her side, which made all the difference in the world.

She hurried down the corridor and entered her quarters, nearly skidding to a halt as she saw the vision in front of her.

“Hi, love,” said Lynne, a huge smile lighting her face. She was wearing her dress whites, and Janeway was dazzled. For just a moment, the memory of Lynne lying in a spreading pool of blood flashed across her memory, and she shook her head. When she looked back up, her vision was blurred.

“Hey, are you okay?” Lynne walked up to her and held her by the waist, looking down in concern.

“I’m fine,” said Janeway. She cleared her throat. “I, um…god, you look beautiful.” The blurriness increased, and she fought back the tears. She didn’t have time for this. She squeezed Lynne and then stepped away, her head down. “I need to take a shower and get ready. I’ll be right out.”

She strode into the bedroom, shedding her uniform as she went, then walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower. But as she was preparing to step in, her peripheral vision caught something out of place. She turned her head and felt her heart clench at the sight of the bud vase holding a single red rose. A card with Lynne’s writing on it stood propped against the vase.

“Oh, Lynne,” she whispered. “Don’t do this to me now.”

She knew she should just get in the shower and ignore it, but she couldn’t. Slowly she stepped to the sink and picked up the card.

Love me for love's sake, that evermore thou mayst love on, through love's eternity.

Replacing the card with a shaking hand, Janeway braced herself on the counter and let her head drop. She was just about to lose it, and she couldn’t afford to. She recognized the poem instantly; Lynne had known she would. But the message was more than she could bear. Taking deep breaths, she got herself under control and stepped into the shower.

The ten minutes she spent under the hot water helped. Then she turned the hot to cold, gasping as she forced herself to stay in the freezing water. When she absolutely couldn’t take it any longer she turned it off, her body alert and tingling in the aftermath.

Quickly she dried her hair, then stepped back into the bedroom and put on her new dress uniform. It was mostly white, but retained the old color band across the shoulders, and she loved it for that little bit of familiarity. And since it was a formal Starfleet party, she did something she hadn’t done in seven years:  she attached her ribbons and medals to her uniform. The last one to go on was her Pike Medal of Valor. She held it in her hand for some time, thinking about how she’d gotten it and how much Lynne deserved something very similar. But how did one put in for a medal for one’s own wife?

A few minutes later she walked back into the living room and straight up to Lynne, who had taken off her jacket and was reclining on the lounge.

Lynne looked up and her eyes widened. “Wow. You look fabulous. How come I’ve never seen any of those? Oh, wait, I’ve seen this one.” She reached out and fingered the Medal of Valor. “God, Kathryn, you look amazing. Like a hero.” She smiled. “But then you are a hero. I guess I’ve just never seen you dress the part.”

Janeway picked up Lynne’s hand and said, “So are you, sweetheart. I was just thinking about how much you deserve several medals of your own. B’Elanna, Tuvok and I all owe our lives to you. I feel a little strange wearing a chest full of these when you’ve got nothing. And I’d like to fix that if I can.”

“I’m not Starfleet, Kathryn. Not really. And when the hell would I wear them? How much longer will I even be in this uniform?” Lynne shook her head. “Thank you for thinking of me, but you’ve got much bigger things to worry about.” She squeezed Janeway’s hand. “Did you see your rose?”

Janeway didn’t even hear the question. She was still reeling from the idea of Lynne not being in that uniform. Jesus, they’d never discussed it. She stared at Lynne, speechless.

Lynne cocked her head to one side. “Kathryn?”

“What?” Suddenly Janeway’s brain kicked in and she remembered the question. “Oh. Yes, I did. It was a lovely gesture, sweetheart.” Please let it drop.

“That poem means a bit more to me now than it did the first time you read it to me,” Lynne began.

“Stop.” Janeway held her hand up, and Lynne looked startled. “I’m sorry, Lynne, but I really can’t talk about this now. I loved the rose, and I appreciate what you’re saying, but please don’t say anything more until after the party. All right?”

She saw Lynne’s brows draw together in momentary hurt and confusion, then smooth out. “All right. We’re in party mode.”

Janeway exhaled in relief. “Thank you for understanding.” Squeezing the hand in hers, she added, “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there when you disconnected. I was in debriefings all day.”

“I figured,” said Lynne. “Every time I checked the computer you were in the conference room. But I know you dropped by earlier.” She gave Janeway a small smile. “I could feel it.”

Janeway braced one hand on the lounge and leaned down. “It was the best part of my day until now,” she said. “But it wasn’t enough.” Their lips came together in a gentle, slow kiss, and she felt Lynne’s hand caressing her hair and holding her head in place. A small sound came out of her throat, and she increased the pressure of the kiss. Before she knew it, they were both wrapped up in each other, mouths exploring hungrily, almost desperately, and all of her grief and panic came surging up. With a gasp she pulled back and stood up again, breathing hard.

“We can’t do that either,” she said, her voice hoarse. “Not until after.”

Lynne stared up at her, the expression on her face mirroring Janeway’s emotions. Then she crossed her arms over her chest and looked at the opposite wall. “Fine. Then we need to call Gretchen and get her in here, because I can’t be alone with you right now. We’re both walking time bombs.”

Fuck. This was not turning out to be a good evening. Janeway stepped back and tapped her comm badge. “Janeway to Gretchen Janeway.” Okay, that sounded strange.

“Yes, Kathryn.”

“Mom, if you’re ready for the party, Lynne and I would like you to come to our quarters for…a little pre-party drink.”

“That sounds lovely. Give me ten minutes and I’ll be there.”

“We’ll see you then. Janeway out.” Ten minutes? What the hell were they going to do for ten minutes? She looked at Lynne, who was staring back at her with a familiar mask over her features. Then Lynne pushed herself out of the lounge and walked over to the viewport.

“So,” she said. “Nice view. I haven’t seen this many starships since—” She stopped, and Janeway closed her eyes and shook her head. Since Terellia.

“I mean,” Lynne tried again, “I’ve never seen other Starfleet ships before, besides the Equinox. There’s a definite design theme. I’d have recognized any of them as Starfleet. I’m assuming that one is the Enterprise?” She pointed, and Janeway joined her at the viewport.

“No, that’s the Challenger. She’s a Galaxy class ship, built for exploration.” Janeway was grateful for the benign conversational topic. “The last version of the Enterprise was a Galaxy class, too, so you’re nearly right. The Enterprise-D was destroyed just a few months before Voyager was stranded. My god, that was a hell of an event. It really shook up Starfleet. Having the fleet’s flagship blown out of space by a Klingon Bird of Prey…whew. You wouldn’t believe the politics. I’ll have to tell you that story.” She shifted and pointed at the next largest ship. “That one’s the Ghandi. She’s an Ambassador class ship; a heavy cruiser. The Enterprise is just above us; you can’t see her from here. But she’s a Sovereign class, another heavy cruiser and one of Starfleet’s newest designs. She’s the biggest ship in the fleet, and almost as fast as Voyager, with a hell of a lot more firepower. The Sovereign class was designed to respond to the Borg threat.” She smiled. “It must just fuse Picard’s constrictors that Voyager, a little Intrepid class light cruiser, has kicked more Borg ass than his ship ever will.”

Lynne chuckled. “You are so smug. ‘Fuse his constrictors’? I haven’t heard that one.”

“Hmm. Can’t imagine why not. If your magnetic constrictors are fused, your ship is going absolutely nowhere. It means to drive him nuts, in this case with envy.”

“Yeah, I got that from context. My twenty-first century equivalent would be “chap his ass.”

Janeway turned a delighted smile on her wife. “Oh, I like that one. Though it’s a bit crude.”

“Well, of course it is. I came from a crude time.”

“And that’s why we all love you so much.”

“Right. That’s why you’ve all been trying to reeducate me for the last two years.”

“No, I think you’ve got that backwards, sweetheart. You’ve been reeducating us.”

They grinned at each other, and the momentary lightness of the moment did more for Janeway’s mood than even Lynne’s Columbian coffee. That thought brought an even bigger smile to her face.

“I just thought of something,” she said. “Tomorrow night we’ll be at Earth. That means I can have a real cup of coffee again the day after. God, I’ve missed that blend of yours.” It had been more than three months since they’d used up that coffee, but Janeway was still in mourning.

Lynne looked guilty. “Actually—I know I told you it was all gone, but…I lied.”

“You what?” Janeway was appalled.

“Well…I saved enough for one last cup. It was going to be my gift to you when we got back to the Alpha Quadrant. Would you believe I actually thought about that when I was—” She stopped, and Janeway felt a chill run down her spine, effectively dissipating any happiness she’d been enjoying just seconds earlier.

“I mean…” Lynne’s distress was obvious. “I never got a chance to tell you.”

Janeway felt just as distressed, but she couldn’t say anything. They just couldn’t get into this, not now. Once they started, there’d be no stopping it.

“I know,” she said quietly. “There’s a lot I never got to tell you, too.”

They looked at each other, and when the door chime rang both of them turned away instantly. “Come in,” Lynne called. The relief in her voice was obvious.

Janeway was expecting Gretchen, so she was a bit surprised when B’Elanna and Tom walked in. B’Elanna took one look at Lynne and nearly jumped into her arms.

“Lynne! Kahless, you look fantastic!”

“Gee, and here I was thinking I looked like death warmed over,” said Lynne.

Janeway winced, but B’Elanna just smacked her on the arm. “Don’t fucking say that! Kahless on a crutch, you scared the fucking hell out of all of us! Don’t ever do that again!” And to Janeway’s complete surprise, B’Elanna burst into tears.

Lynne looked over at her in dismay, then gathered B’Elanna up in a tight hug and began to rock her. “B’Elanna, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’m all right, really.”

“I know,” sobbed B’Elanna. “I’m pregnant.”

“Oh.” Lynne started to laugh. “Oh, my god, a pregnant Klingon. I hadn’t even thought about the hormonal aspects. Tom, you’ll be lucky if you live through this.”

Jesus, Janeway thought. Can she say anything that doesn’t have to do with dying? It was starting to piss her off.

“I know,” said Tom. “I sleep with one eye open these days.”

“Oh, shut up,” said B’Elanna, detaching herself from Lynne and wiping her eyes. “I’m not that bad. I’m just a little emotional. And I think I have a damned good reason to cry.” She smacked Lynne again. “I mean it. Don’t do that again.”

“This coming from the woman who nearly burned herself to death last week,” scoffed Lynne. “Don’t give me that. You’d have done the same thing in my place.”

“I don’t think I could have,” said B’Elanna. “That was fucking amazing.”

“B’Elanna, does being pregnant alter your vocabulary? Because you’re saying ‘fucking’ a lot.”

B’Elanna glared at her. “Maybe that’s because fucking is what got me into this mess.”

Lynne threw her head back and roared, and even Janeway had to laugh. “Oh, Christ,” gasped Lynne. “I needed that. What would I ever do without you?”

“Plunge into a pit of despair, I’d imagine,” said B’Elanna, and Lynne laughed harder. But Janeway heard something a little off in it, and realized that Lynne was on the edge. Well, that wasn’t surprising; so was she. God, they were going to be quite the pair tonight. She hoped they could make it through the party without one or the other of them embarrassing themselves.

“Shut up, Fossil,” said B’Elanna. “We’ve got a serious question to ask you.”

Lynne got herself under control. “Okay,” she said, a few more chuckles escaping. “I’m listening. Really.” She snorted and then straightened out her face. “Go.”

B’Elanna eyed her, then reached out for Tom’s hand. “All right. We wanted to ask you earlier, but…things got in the way. And tomorrow we’ll be home and who knows where we’ll all be the next day. So this is it.” She paused.

Lynne was completely sober now. “This does sound serious. What’s going on?”

Janeway met Tom’s eyes and relaxed when she saw nothing but happy anticipation there.

“We want you to be Miral’s godmother,” B’Elanna said. “Will you do us the honor?”

There was complete, dead silence as Lynne’s eyes went to the size of saucers. Then she put her hand to her mouth, and it was obvious that she was losing the fight not to cry.

“Oh, god,” she said, and the tears began to roll down her face. “Yes. Yes, it would be my pleasure. And my honor. Yes, absolutely!” She threw her arms around B’Elanna and squeezed her so hard that B’Elanna actually grunted.

“Whoa, Fossil, careful of the pregnant Klingon,” she said breathlessly.

Lynne released her instantly. “Sorry! I’m sorry. Shit. I didn’t think about that.” She looked stricken.

“It’s okay, I’m fine,” said B’Elanna. “You just need to watch that right arm of yours.”

Lynne held her right hand in front of her and stared at it. “Yeah. I know.”

Janeway could see in her face exactly what she was thinking. She stepped forward and took Lynne’s hand in her own. “Congratulations, godmother,” she said, caressing Lynne’s hand. “Do you have any idea what you just agreed to?”

As intended, the gesture and the question cut through Lynne’s memories. “No.” Lynne looked at Tom. “What did I just get myself into?”

Tom grinned. “Too late to back out now.” He stepped forward, and Janeway moved away to give him room to hug Lynne as well. “You just agreed to help teach Miral the code of a warrior. We thought you’d be a great instructor for her.”

“Okay,” said Lynne instantly. “I’d be delighted. The Borg assimilated quite a few Klingons; I know the different belief systems. Which one did you want her to learn about?”

“Lynne,” said B’Elanna, and now she was completely serious. “We want her to learn about you, not a specific Klingon belief. You’re a warrior. Teach her your own code.”

Lynne stared. “I’m not a warrior.”

“You most certainly are,” said Janeway. Lynne’s eyes met hers, then shifted to B’Elanna as she spoke.

“Remember the first time I called you Fossil?”

“Yes, of course.”

“You got out of a fight with me by pointing out that there was no honor in beating up an opponent who had no skills. You had to remind me of the warrior code. You knew it even then, instinctively. You’ve had two years to add to that since then, and two days ago you did something that would guarantee you a spot in Sto-Vo-Kor if you were Klingon. You’re a warrior, Lynne.”

Lynne looked back at Janeway, who nodded. “Never doubt it,” she said.

“I…” Lynne swallowed. “I’ll do my best.”

“I know.” B’Elanna hugged her again. “Thanks, Fossil.”

“Well, I think this calls for a celebratory drink,” said Janeway. “Besides, we’ve got to get warmed up for the party. What’s your pleasure? B’Elanna? Tom?”

She took the drink orders and was instructing the replicator when the door chimed again. This time it was Gretchen, who smiled when she saw the crowd in their quarters.

“Is this the pre-party party?” she asked.

“Gretchen!” Lynne walked up to her and wrapped her up in a hug. “I’m a godmother!”

“Well, congratulations.” Gretchen returned the hug with a smile on her face. “Your family is growing by leaps and bounds, isn’t it?”

“Yes! It’s incredible. God, I’m so happy.” And there was that edge in Lynne’s voice again. Janeway was beginning to think going to the party might be a bad idea.

Right, like the captain of Voyager and the heir of the Hamilton Foundation can just pass on the first welcome-home party.

“You deserve it.” Gretchen looked Lynne up and down and whistled, to Lynne’s obvious embarrassment. “Nice catch, Kathryn.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

Lynne rolled her eyes and tugged Gretchen over to B’Elanna and Tom. “I assume you’ve met these two already?”

“Yes, I got the full tour yesterday after you started your regeneration cycle. Hello, B’Elanna; Tom. Are you the parents of the godchild?”

“Miral,” said Lynne before Tom or B’Elanna could answer. “She’s not the godchild, she’s my goddaughter, and her name is Miral.”

“Possessive already, are you?” teased B’Elanna. “Am I going to have to fight you for my child?”

“Never,” said Lynne. The tone of her voice made Janeway look at her sharply, and what she saw reinforced her concern. She waited for a good opportunity, and as soon as it came she discreetly drew her mother away from the conversation.

“Mom,” she said quietly, “will you do me a favor?”

“Of course,” said Gretchen.

“Will you look after Lynne tonight? I’ll keep her with me as much as I can, but we’re almost certain to get separated eventually. I think she’s right on the edge. She hasn’t dealt with this yet and it’s leaking out.”

Gretchen turned to watch Lynne, who at that moment was laughing at something Tom had said. Janeway heard the brittleness in her laughter, though she didn’t think anyone else would notice.

Gretchen faced her again and looked her in the eye. “Have you dealt with it?”

Janeway didn’t flicker. “I haven’t had time.”

Nodding, Gretchen said, “No, I don’t suppose you have. Sometimes I hate Starfleet. Edward and I put off so many conversations.” Her expression turned very serious. “And sometimes we put them off for so long that we never got around to having them. Don’t let that happen to you, Kathryn.”

“I won’t,” Janeway promised. “I want to have this talk, Mom. Both of us do. But we just can’t right now.”

“I know.” Gretchen sighed. “Yes, I’ll look after her. If I see signs of trouble I’ll bring her to you.”

Janeway shook her head. “No, that won’t work. If you see signs of trouble, get her out of the party. Get her somewhere quiet, without people, and call me.”

“All right.”

They both turned back to watch the threesome, who were amiably chatting.

“This is going to be some party,” said Gretchen.

Janeway silently agreed as she touched her mother’s hand and led her back to join the group.

 

 

-----

 

 

: Gods, Seven, you’re so beautiful. Can’t we just stay here? :

Seven smiled as she turned in place, meeting Revi’s appreciative gaze. : I look no different than I did five minutes ago. Why am I suddenly more beautiful than normal? :

: Because sometimes you just are. :

: I think it’s more likely that you don’t want to attend the party. :

: I’m hurt. You think I’d use my attraction to you as a diversion? :

Seven closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around Revi, pulling her in for a hug. : I don’t doubt your attraction, and it makes me feel wonderful. But I also know you don’t want to attend. Revi, no one there will think any less of you for surviving the Borg. It’s far more likely they’ll judge me. :

Revi tightened her grip, and Seven knew she was truly dreading this evening. : I don’t want them to judge either of us. I’ve been spoiled on Voyager, Seven. I’ve almost forgotten what it feels like to be stared at. :

: You were stared at on Terellia. :

: That was completely different. They thought I was a star. :

Seven pulled away and looked intently into worried brown eyes. “You are a star, Revi. The Terellians were correct.”

Revi smiled. “I know you think I am, Seven. And I love you for it.”

The acceptance Revi had found on Terellia had dramatically changed her. Seven had watched in fascination—and a deep sense of gratitude—as the guilt always so apparent in their link had dulled, its power diminished by an acceptance that Revi seemed finally able to give herself. She’d allowed herself to be happy at last, truly happy, and to Seven the distinction was mesmerizing. In comparing the quality of their link now to what it had been before Terellia, Seven realized that she’d fallen in love with a woman who wasn’t truly free to love. Revi’s guilt had always acted as an emotional restraint. But now…now there was a power that hadn’t been there before; a strength in Revi’s love that Seven still hadn’t adapted to. It was nothing short of stunning. But she would never, ever complain about being required to adapt to this!

So it was with considerable dismay that she saw her partner sinking once more into doubt. True, Revi’s emotion tonight wasn’t nearly as powerful as the old guilt, but Seven disliked seeing any diminishment of the happiness both she and Revi had enjoyed since the Gifting. This could not be allowed.

She tapped her comm badge. “Seven of Nine to Lynne Hamilton.”

“Hamilton here.”

Seven met Revi’s suspicious look with all the innocence she could muster.

“Lynne, do you believe that Revi is a star?”

Revi groaned and let her go. “Oh, gods.”

There was a slight pause, then: “Absolutely. Do I need to come over there and convince her?”

“It might be beneficial.”

“Seven!” Revi’s embarrassment was sharp in their link.

“Shall I bring Kathryn, too? And B’Elanna? And Tom? How about Gretchen? We could have a little party before the party. Hell, we already are.”

Revi grabbed Seven by the shoulders and spoke into her badge. “Don’t you dare.”

“Oh, so it’s just me you want?”

“Always, but don’t tell Kathryn. We’ll see you at the party.” She closed the channel and looked up. “That was not nice.”

“But was it effective?”

Seven was quite gratified to see the slow smile creeping across Revi’s face. “A little.”

“Good. We’ll be surrounded by friends, Revi.”

“After what you just did, that’s what I’m afraid of.”

Seven laughed, and Revi’s smile grew instantly larger.

“I love it when you laugh,” she said.

“And I love you,” Seven answered, drawing her in for a kiss. What started out as a simple affirmation quickly grew into something far more involving, and both of them were startled when the door chime rang.

They drew apart and looked at each other.

: Who the hell is that? :  Revi wasn’t happy at the interruption.

: I’ve never understood why humans ask questions like that instead of simply learning the answers. :  Seven strode to the door and keyed it open, then stood back in surprise as Lynne pushed her way in, followed immediately by Kathryn, Gretchen Janeway, Tom, B’Elanna, and Chakotay.

“You want me, I’m here,” announced Lynne, pulling Revi into a hug. “And I brought a few friends.” She released Revi, but kept her