chapter 27

 

 

B’Elanna stood in front of the ready room doors, taking a last deep breath before venturing inside. Lynne had tried to keep her from doing this, but she couldn’t stand it any more. It was too awful to watch Janeway getting more distant and stone-faced every day, while Lynne’s broken heart was showing in every look and gesture. It had seemed so right and so easy at the time, but not now. The price was just too high.

She pressed the chime and waited several seconds before hearing Janeway’s voice over the comm. Her order to “come” was clipped and all business. By that alone B’Elanna knew the captain wasn’t in a friendly mood; if she was she’d have said “come in.” That one word made a big difference.

B’Elanna stepped through the doors and found Janeway at her desk, sipping from a cup of coffee and staring intently at her monitor. She didn’t look up, not even when B’Elanna stopped in front of her.

“Just a minute,” she said, still reading.

B’Elanna opened her hand and let her Maquis insignia slip from her palm to the desktop. Janeway went completely still. Slowly, she turned her head to look at the insignia, then equally slowly met B’Elanna’s eyes. Kahless, she looked terrible. Like she hadn’t slept in days, and hadn’t eaten much either.

“Are you going to explain this?” she said.

“I’m resigning,” said B’Elanna. “I figure that way you can’t give me a dishonorable discharge or strip me of rank. I’m turning myself in, Captain.”

“For what?” Her voice was deceptively calm.

“For aiding and assisting a crime against prisoners of war, and tampering with ship’s security logs.”

“I see.” Janeway tapped her fingers on her coffee mug. “Sit down, B’Elanna.”

She sat and met her captain’s eyes, though it wasn’t easy. Janeway was looking at her with that cool, unreadable expression that she’d seen so often in their first years of working together, and she wasn’t saying a damned thing. It was taking all of B’Elanna’s will power to keep from shifting in her chair.

“Why?”

“Captain?” It wasn’t the question she’d expected.

“Why turn yourself in now? You covered it up beautifully. It took me six days to find anything at all, and even now I have no concrete evidence. Just circumstantial. If you’d kept quiet you’d have gotten away with it.”

Kahless on a crutch, she already knew. B’Elanna forced herself to maintain their gaze.

“Because it doesn’t matter any more if I get away with it, Captain. I can’t live with myself watching the destruction of your marriage. It’s killing Lynne not to tell you, and the only reason she won’t is because she’s afraid of what you’ll do to me. So I’m taking that out of the equation. This isn’t her fault.”

“I’d say what she did is entirely her fault.”

“Dealing with the Arnett, yes. Not telling you the truth, no. I can’t help the first, but I can help the second. And just for the record, Captain, it’s only Starfleet that would find fault with Lynne’s actions. A lot of cultures, including my own, would have faulted her only if she hadn’t avenged you.”

“It seems to me,” said Janeway in that cool voice, “that you only claim your Klingon heritage when it’s to your advantage, B’Elanna. Otherwise you don’t want much to do with it. Am I supposed to overlook what you’ve done because in your culture it would be considered honorable?”

B’Elanna fought to control the instant anger that flooded her system. “In my culture, what I did would be considered dishonorable,” she said. “Because I covered up a righteous act of honor instead of shouting about it in the corridors and toasting Lynne with a cup of blood wine. So no, Captain, you’re not supposed to overlook it. And you’re right, I have very mixed feelings about Klingon culture. But I’ll tell you one thing, this is one of the few times when I really wish this were a Klingon ship. Because then you’d be proud of Lynne, instead of scaring her to death with the thought of your justice.”

The silence that fell was painful, and B’Elanna knew she’d gone too far. Finally Janeway reached out to the insignia and pushed it across the desk toward her.

“I don’t accept your resignation,” she said.

For a moment B’Elanna didn’t get it. Then she understood. “You’d rather strip me of it publicly?”

“I’d rather not do anything publicly. In fact, this conversation is not taking place. I don’t know a damned thing.”

B’Elanna’s mouth fell open. “You’re letting it go?”

“Letting what go?” asked Janeway. Her expression left no doubt as to her meaning.

Slowly, B’Elanna picked up her insignia and reattached it to her collar. When she looked up, Janeway was watching her with a little more warmth in her gaze.

“Was there anything else, Lieutenant?”

“No, Captain.”

“Good. Then I want you to take a look at this.” She pushed a PADD over. “It’s a new transwarp theory from the TPG, and it looks very promising. I’d like your thoughts on it.”

B’Elanna felt a little dazed. “I’ll get on it right away.”

Janeway nodded. “Report back to me as soon as possible. Dismissed.”

B’Elanna was halfway to the door before she gave in. She had to know.

“Captain?”

Janeway looked up from her monitor.

“Will you and Lynne be okay?”

A small, sad smile touched Janeway’s lips. “We’ll be okay. Thanks, B’Elanna.”

B’Elanna smiled back, then stepped onto the bridge to find Chakotay waiting for her.

“Can I see you in my office?” he asked, and walked away before she’d even answered.

“It’s nice to be in demand,” she muttered as she followed him. As soon as the door shut behind them he turned on her.

“Tell me you didn’t just do what I think you did.”

“I guess that depends on what you think I did,” she said. She wasn’t in the mood for this.

“I think you went in there and told the captain what you did for Lynne. I think you just gave her the eyewitness testimony she needed to take action. And I think you just screwed up any chance I had of resolving this without heartache on all sides.”

She glared at him. “Fuck off, Chakotay. She already knew.”

“Of course she knew. She just didn’t have any evidence. Now she does, and that means she’ll have to do something about it.”

“You don’t know her as well as you think you do. She’s not doing anything.”

He straightened up in surprise. “She said that?”

“She wouldn’t accept my resignation, and told me that we never had that conversation. She said she doesn’t know a damned thing.”

An enormous, relieved smile spread over his face. “Thank you, Doctor Sandovhar.”

“What?” Now that was the last thing she expected to hear him say. She knew how little love was lost between those two.

“Nothing,” he said. “Thanks, B’Elanna. I need to get back to the bridge.” And he walked out of his office, leaving her standing there.

“What the hell just happened?” she asked the empty room.

 

 

-----

 

 

Chakotay waited patiently while Doctor Sandovhar finished instructing Crewman O’Donnell on his follow-up care. Judging by the bland diet she was prescribing, the poor man had had a serious intestinal upset and would have to be careful for awhile. O’Donnell nodded unhappily and left as soon as Sandovhar would let him. She entered some notes in the sickbay computer and then straightened up, looking first at Chakotay and then at the Doctor, who was working at the microscope.

“May I see you on a private matter, Doctor Sandovhar?” asked Chakotay, knowing that she needed the excuse.

“Certainly. In my office.”

As soon as the door was shut behind them she said, “Tell me you have good news.”

“I have the best news. She’s decided to let the whole thing slide. And this afternoon she gave me a PADD of orders, one of which rescinded Lynne’s transfer. I think it’s going to be all right. I don’t know what you said, but it worked.”

She actually winked at him. “I told her she had to think more like a Maquis.”

“You what?”

“Just kidding. But not by much. I just convinced her that there was a different way of looking at the situation. Believe me, the view from where she was standing was bleak. No wonder she hadn’t been eating.”

He wanted to know more, but something told him it would be useless to ask. “Well, regardless of how you did it, the outcome was good. Thank you, Revi.”

She tilted her head. “Why thank me? I didn’t do it for you.”

“I’m thanking you in my capacity as first officer, whose duty it is to see that the personnel issues of this ship run smoothly. I couldn’t have smoothed that one out without your help. So thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she said. “Are you trying to smooth us out, too?”

“That’s my job,” he said, smiling at her.

“In that case, why don’t you join Seven and me at Sandrine’s Friday? She’s expressed a desire to learn pool.”

“Oh no, another pool shark in the making.”

Revi laughed, startling him. He’d never heard her laugh before.

“I’m afraid so. But it will be fun to watch.”

“I accept your invitation,” he said, “but I’m a little puzzled by it. Why are you going out of your way?”

“Because,” she said, “now that you’re not waiting for me to trip up I can relax a bit more around you. And now that I’m relaxing I can see that you’re a good man with the best interests of this ship and crew at heart. It occurred to me recently that what you did when you thought I was assimilating that Arnett was incredibly courageous. Stupid, but courageous. You used your own body to stop me, even though you must have known that I could have assimilated you in seconds.”

“I did what I thought I had to do,” he said, but he was pleased that she was reaching out.

“I know. And really, I’d rather have you on my side than working against me. It would be nice to think you’d extend that concern to me as well.”

“You’re a valuable member of this crew,” he said. “It took me awhile to figure that out, but I have. Your best interests are a concern of mine.”

“Thank you,” she said. “As are yours to me. I’ve already recycled that hypo of poison that I had waiting in case you ever came in here needing medical assistance.”

He gaped at her, unsure if she was joking.

She smiled. “Kidding, Commander. I’m kidding. As far as I’m concerned, you and I are shipmates and maybe someday we’ll be friends. The trouble now is that Seven still wants to separate your head from your body. So I’m hoping a little socialization might ease things between the two of you.”

“From one personnel issue to the next.”

“A first officer’s job is never done. Neither is a CMO’s, for that matter, but I’ve always found bodies much easier to patch up than minds or relationships. I wouldn’t want your job, Commander.”

“Chakotay,” he corrected. They’d gone over this yesterday, but he figured it might take her awhile. “And I don’t see why not, you did great in it last night.”

“Special case. I hope you aren’t expecting my help with Lieutenant Paris.”

He frowned. Had he missed something? He hadn’t heard anything about Paris. “Why? What have you heard?”

“Oh, nothing.” She gave him an easy smile and opened the door. “See you at Sandrine’s Friday. Seventeen thirty.”

He followed her out, shaking his head. What was going on with Paris?

 

 

 

 

---

Chapter 28

 

 

Seven activated the door sensor to her quarters and stepped aside, allowing Revi to enter first. They had just ended their second evening in as many weeks of socialization at Sandrine’s, with the two-fold purpose of teaching Seven how to play pool and reducing the animosity she felt toward Chakotay. The first goal had been reached with considerable success—pool, after all, was simply a matter of mathematics and physics, fields in which Seven had considerable expertise—but the second had proven more difficult. Seven was aware that Revi wanted her to reconcile with the Commander. She just didn’t know how. Every time she looked at him she remembered Revi lying beneath her in the alcove unit, broken and despairing. She did not understand how Revi could forgive him so easily. Their first evening together had been stilted at best, and although the conversation had been easier this night, it was still nothing approaching normal.

However, such thinking was unproductive at this time. This evening she had caught a flash of imagery from Revi that had fired her imagination, and she’d expended considerable effort in compartmentalizing her thoughts so that Revi would not see what was coming. She had been waiting for this, their first moment of privacy.

When Revi stepped through her door, Seven followed immediately behind, seizing Revi by the shoulders and roughly pushing her into the wall.

“Seven! What—”

Revi was unable to finish her sentence as Seven took her mouth in a bruising kiss, holding her wrist and cybernetic arm against the wall. The initial surprise and faint irritation that Seven had felt through their link quickly changed into a sense of desire and a little amusement. : Gods, you’d think we hadn’t touched each other in a month. :

Seven made no response through their link. Instead, without breaking their kiss, she unzipped Revi’s jacket and pushed it halfway down her arms. Her Borg hand fastened itself into the shirt collar, and with one quick jerk she tore the shirt all the way down the front. A moment later the bra had also been severed, and Revi’s clothing hung in shreds.

: Seven! What are you doing?: Revi was slightly alarmed, and Seven realized that her own preoccupation with acting out the imagery had prevented Revi from being able to sense her emotions.

: I saw this in your mind tonight. : She pulled back and allowed her desire to surface in her thoughts. It wasn’t difficult, not with Revi’s breasts barely covered by the torn cloth hanging off her shoulders. : You watched me as I spoke to Commander Chakotay and you imagined me doing this to you. I didn’t realize that you would wish to be touched in a less gentle manner. But I’m happy to oblige. : Pushing Revi’s arms back against the wall, Seven leaned down, used her nose to nudge aside the shreds of clothing, and began a hard suckling of the newly exposed breasts.

: Oh, gods! : A white-hot rush of arousal singed their link and nearly overwhelmed Seven. She didn’t respond, focusing solely on the bare skin now available for her pleasure. Revi had always made love to her in a reverent manner, and she had, with the exception of a few nips to sensitive areas, followed her example. The images she’d seen in Revi’s mind tonight had surprised her, but she was thoroughly enjoying the opportunity to do something different. Hadn’t Kathryn always wanted her to be creative?

Raking her fingers over the sensitive mesh of Revi’s abdominal implant, Seven rose back up and resumed her passionate exploration of her lover’s mouth.

: Gods, Seven! I don’t think this is what Kathryn had in mind! :

: I’m quite certain she didn’t have this in mind, either. : After a final nip to Revi’s lower lip, Seven leaned down, reached through Revi’s legs to grasp the back of her waistband with her Borg hand, and efficiently severed the pant seam all the way to the front. The underwear went next, leaving Revi wearing two halves and nothing in between. Seven wasted no time exploring the exposed skin, finding an abundance of moisture there. Even as she touched Revi her fingers were anointed with a new rush of lubricant, concurrent with the flash of desire that came down their link. Revi was ready.

Seven straightened and looked down at her partner, allowing her own arousal to show in her face and thoughts. : I want you. :

: I noticed. : Revi was using humor in an attempt to retake some control over the situation. Seven, however, wanted total control. In response she slid her hands around Revi’s upper thighs and pulled her off her feet, holding her body against her own. Revi was taken by surprise, instinctively throwing her arms around Seven’s neck to keep her balance. : Seven! :

Seven turned, walked across her quarters, pulled a chair out from the table with her foot and sat down with Revi straddling her lap. She spread her own legs, forcing Revi’s apart, and reached behind her neck to remove her lover’s hands. Slowly she pushed them behind Revi’s back, watching in appreciation as the motion made Revi’s chest arch toward her. She held both the human wrist and the cybernetic one in her Borg hand and sat back, looking with hooded eyes at the view.

Revi’s desire was now so strong that Seven was having a hard time controlling her own thoughts. But she wanted to make Revi wait, if only for a little while.

: I never understood what the term “sexy” meant until I met you. At this moment you define the word. There is no other for me, Revi. : She listened to the tumultuous thoughts in Revi’s mind, feeling a great sense of satisfaction that her partner was so aroused that she was barely able to put two thoughts together.

Finally Revi responded, her eyes burning into Seven’s. : There is no other for me, either. I don’t think there ever can be. :

Seven already knew this, of course, but to hear it so clearly presented in Revi’s thoughts gave her a sense of belonging and security that she had never known before entering this relationship. Nor had she ever known she’d needed it. Now she had no idea how she could ever live without it again.

She used her free hand to brush Revi’s shredded clothing off her shoulders, fully exposing her torso. For several minutes she simply ran her fingers over the curves and ridges that seemed to be asking for her touch, occasionally pinching a nipple and enjoying the reaction, both in Revi’s body and her mind. Then, in keeping with the scenario she was playing out, she asked a pointed question.

: What do you want, Revi? :

Revi looked straight at her. : You. Only you, and for as long as you’ll have me. :

And with that simple, truthful answer, Revi effectively stripped away Seven’s pretense at control. She could not maintain the façade, not with that truth ringing in her mind. Releasing Revi’s arms, she pulled her lover in close and held her tightly. : Please don’t think that way. You have a chronometer in your mind, counting down our time together, but it’s not limited, Revi. There will never be another for me, either. :

She could see Revi’s desire to believe warring with her practical experience and expectations. It was not a battle that would be won at any date in the near future. Seven understood instinctively that she would be required to provide supporting evidence of her vow repeatedly and over a long period of time before Revi would be able to let go of her doubts and truly believe in them.

She turned her head and sucked in the nipple positioned so conveniently close to her mouth, focusing all of her attentions on the responses that came down their link. Revi’s arousal had been momentarily dampened by their exchange of thoughts, but it returned almost immediately to its prior level. When she felt it was time, Seven reached between them and slipped her fingers into Revi’s center, not bothering with any other manipulation. The abundant lubricant made it unnecessary, and she knew from the white-hot charge that sizzled down their link that Revi hadn’t expected such an abrupt transition and was intensely turned on by it. After a few strokes she began brushing Revi’s clitoris with her thumb, and in seconds they were both lost in the reciprocal sensations that flew back and forth between their minds and bodies. Seven’s original intention had been to make Revi wait; to control this encounter and draw it out, but the sensations swamping her soon wiped out any coherent thought except one: she wanted the bonding, and she wanted it now.

They rode the upward spiral of their mutual pleasure, the barriers between their minds beginning to break down, and suddenly it was there, sweeping over them—the oneness that Seven always craved and could never get enough of. She and Revi ceased to exist; there was now only a single entity comprised of all of their experiences, memories and thoughts. Seven gloried in this new existence, trying to make it last as long as possible, but as always their minds separated before she was ready and she crashed back into her individuality with a jolt.

Panting, she held Revi close with one arm, slowing her motions with the other until she knew she had wrung every bit of pleasure out of her partner that she could. Only then did she cease her movements, simply holding their bodies together and allowing Revi to recover, both physically and mentally.

It took two point three minutes for Revi to pull away and look down at her.

“Holy gods, Seven, what the hell got into you? That was incredible. And nothing I would have ever expected.”

“That was the intent. You were not meant to expect it.” Seven slowly pulled her fingers out, both of them wincing at the sensation and both sagging in relief when it was over. Revi’s eyes widened as Seven brought her hand up between them, flexing her fingers to ease the tension.

“Three fingers? I can’t believe I didn’t know that.”

“Your mind was occupied.”

Revi laughed. “Just a little.” She leaned down and placed a gentle, almost chaste kiss on Seven’s lips. “Thank you, darling. It was wonderful and unexpected and incredibly hot. And now I really have to get up.” She carefully backed up and regained her feet, allowing Seven to support her waist until she was fully upright. The movement caused her shredded pant legs to fall, and she looked at Seven accusingly. “You do realize that you’re a complete beast. I’ve never had anyone literally tear my clothes off before.” She let her jacket fall to the floor and shrugged off the remains of her shirt and bra, then sat down to pull off her boots and the two halves of her trousers.

Seven sat in her chair, thoroughly enjoying the scene. “Perhaps you did not give anyone the proper incentive before,” she offered.

“And what incentive did I give you? I didn’t even know you’d caught that little image in my head. I swear it was just a flash of thought.”

“A powerful one,” said Seven, remembering how it had seemed to come from nowhere, searing through her mind with a heat that had left her momentarily disoriented. “And as for incentive, our bonding is enough to make me willing to do anything you could ever want or dream of. It’s in the closet,” she added, responding to Revi’s thought about borrowing a robe.

“Thank you.” Revi stood up and padded to the closet, pulling out Seven’s robe and belting it around her waist. “I feel like the sorcerer’s apprentice.”

Seven tilted her head and a moment later received the relevant data from Revi’s mind. “You do not look anything like an animated mouse.”

“Maybe not, but I’m going to have to roll up these sleeves or trip over them. Sometimes I forget how tall you are.” Revi wandered over to the replicator, turning up her sleeves as she walked. “Computer, two glasses of water.” She downed hers in a few gulps, placing the glass back into the replicator before bringing the second to Seven, who accepted gratefully. When Seven finished her drink she found Revi looking at her very seriously.

“I love you,” Revi said.

“I love you too,” Seven answered. “You are perfection.”

“I most certainly am not. You can’t possibly still think that after bonding with me.”

Seven reached out for her hand. “I didn’t think it until I bonded with you. Once I saw who you truly are, the beauty that lies inside your heart and mind, I knew I had found the one who could complete me.”

Revi’s eyes shone with moisture. “Gods, you always manage to get me. I think I know you, and then you come up with something like that and I realize that I still don’t; not yet.”

“You know me.” Seven was saddened at the realization that even mind-to-mind communication sometimes wasn’t enough. “You just won’t allow yourself to believe.”

Revi dropped her eyes. “I’m sorry, Seven. I’m sorry I can’t give that to you.”

Seven squeezed her hand. “You have given me everything within your power. This is not something you can change at this moment. But we have time, and I’m a very patient woman.”

The comment had its intended effect. Revi’s eyes came back up, and she was smiling. “Right. So patient that you couldn’t even stick with your intent of making me wait for my orgasm. You were more anxious than I was.”

“I was not anxious. I was merely attempting to make the most efficient use of our time together.”

Revi laughed at that one. “Nice try, darling. But there’s nothing remotely efficient about our lovemaking, thank the gods.” Her expression grew serious once more. “I understand why you gave up the wait, though. And if you’d like, instead of me reciprocating, perhaps we could attempt a different method of bonding.”

Although it had not been mentioned since their first day together, Seven well remembered Revi’s reference to drugs and meditation being alternative routes to the bonding. “Which one?” she asked.

“Meditation. I don’t think you’ll ever want to try the drugs. They induce a loss of mental control that I just can’t imagine you being comfortable with, but meditation lets you keep most of that control. In fact, the trick with meditation is forcing yourself to let go enough for the bonding to take place.”

“I wish to try it,” said Seven immediately.

Revi smiled. “I know. Seven, this isn’t going to be like making love. It’s a completely different experience, and we might not get there the first time. You’ll need to be patient.”

Seven gave her a wounded look, but couldn’t maintain it in the face of Revi’s snort.

“Come on.” Revi tugged her upright. “Let’s sit where we can both be comfortable.” She led them to the couch and sat down sideways, with her feet tucked up under her. Seven paused to remove her boots and then assumed the same position, facing her. They held hands, or in Revi’s case, hand and clamp.

: All right, Seven. You’re going to have to turn off that brain of yours. Advanced students can simply clear their minds of all thought, but the best way to start learning is to pick a single thought and concentrate on that. I’ll be working on my end to complete the connection. If you can narrow down all of your thoughts to just one, that single one can be powerful enough for me to hold on to and initiate the bonding. :

: I understand. : Seven spent a few moments deciding which thought to focus on. With Revi sitting right across from her, eyes shut, Seven’s thoughts naturally wandered to their recent sexual encounter and the way Revi had looked while straddling her lap.

: Seven, that is NOT going to work. :

: Why not? :

: It’s a little…active for our intents. Pick something less physical. :

Sighing, Seven cast about for a less “physical” thought. She sifted through several thousand options, growing frustrated as her brain seemed to become more active rather than less. Eventually she could no longer keep her aggravation to herself.

: I do not see how I can do this. The more I try to think less, the more I’m thinking. : Seven realized that her thought made very little sense, but Revi understood.

: It’s difficult to learn, darling. We’ve only been at it for ten minutes. Let’s take a break. :

: I don’t want to. :

“Seven,” said Revi, opening her eyes, “take a break. We’re not going to get anywhere as long as you’re frustrated. Your emotion will block me out.”

Seven abruptly stood up, stalking across to the replicator and getting a second glass of water. She held the cool glass against her forehead, forcing herself to relax. A moment later she felt arms go around her waist from behind.

“Hey,” said Revi. “You’re doing fine. Don’t be angry with yourself for not getting it on the first try.”

“I am unaccustomed to failure,” said Seven unhappily.

Revi gently turned her around to face her. “It’s not failure, Seven. Not by a long shot. We’ve barely gotten started.” She pulled Seven’s head down and kissed her deeply, and by the time they separated Seven’s irritation had completely drained away.

Revi smiled. “If only everyone could cool down as rapidly as you can.”

“Everyone does not have you to assist them,” Seven pointed out.

“A few have in the past. They still couldn’t do it. You’re different, Seven. Unique.”

Seven allowed Revi’s thoughts to soothe her even further. “Thank you,” she said. “Can we try again?”

They spent the rest of the night practicing. Revi soon conceded that indeed, Seven had far more patience than she did, because she would have given up long ago. But Seven was determined to make it work. After the first three attempts she’d finally fixed on the omega molecule as her single thought. Its perfection made it possible for her to begin shutting down the other parts of her mind, and with each attempt she could feel herself drawing closer to her goal. Nothing in the universe could have induced her to cease her efforts, not when success was within her grasp.

Her internal chronometer was one of the things she’d learned to shut off, so she didn’t know what time it was when the miracle happened. All she knew was that suddenly, she went from a focused contemplation of the omega molecule straight into Revi. The single thought exploded into their bonding, and for a moment she was too stunned by the abrupt change to even function. But she adapted quickly, and soon realized that this bonding was fundamentally different from that produced by their lovemaking. When their orgasms induced a bonding, it felt as if her existence expanded to include Revi’s, hovered for a moment at the apex, and then began contracting once again. The actual moment of full bonding was very short. But this…this was that moment at the apex, stretched out into infinity. She had all the time in the world to walk amongst Revi’s thoughts and memories. She was surrounded by the woman she loved, and surrounded her in turn. They were both inside and around the other, a paradox that made perfect sense. There was no sense of urgency, no feeling of limited time slipping away. She had an eternity to go where she wanted. Feeling utterly content, she began exploring Revi’s memories of her childhood, experiencing every one as if it were actually hers. Even as she did so, she could feel Revi walking through her own memories, their different childhoods merging into one.

Abandoning this time period, Seven looked around for one that had been an intense source of curiosity for her. Revi had shared her memories of Steph on the night of their first bonding, but had not spoken or openly thought of her again. Seven wanted to know everything. This was, after all, the only other woman Revi had ever loved. Dead or alive, she was competition, and Seven wanted every detail that she could get.

With their minds so totally joined, Revi could not have stopped Seven from reliving those memories if she had wanted to. But she’d known that Seven would go there, and made it even easier by pulling out of her own exploration of Seven’s memories and joining their efforts. Together they relived the entire relationship, from the first meeting until their last happy memory. At that point Seven pulled them out, not wanting Revi to be forced to relive the tragic end. She had already seen it once and did not ever need to see it again.

By mutual agreement, they let go of each other and retreated back to their own minds, and this time Seven felt none of the jarring sense of incompletion when the bonding ended. She settled gently into her own individuality, tired from their explorations but absolutely content. For a moment she sat there with her eyes closed, gathering her sense of self before opening her eyes once more.

Revi was looking at her, an expression of wonder on her face.

“That was the most intimate love I have ever experienced,” she whispered. “Seven, thank you.”

Seven squeezed her hand, which she had unknowingly been holding for—she checked her internal chronometer—close to ninety-six minutes. They had taken their last break at 0217, and the bonding had occurred sometime shortly afterward.

“I feel as if I love you both,” she said. Revi’s memories were now her own, and she knew Steph as well as if she’d been the one standing on her doorstep on that cool winter evening, professing her feelings and wondering if Steph would close the door in her face. She well remembered her—Revi’s—near-terror as she’d spoken the words, and the euphoria when Steph had smiled and asked why it had taken her so long to figure it out.

“You do,” said Revi. She shook her head. “I mean, we do. Gods, Seven, I’ve never done anything like this before. The semantics can’t keep up with the reality. You were there.”

“I know. She was beautiful, Revi. Mind, body and heart. I understand why you—we loved her.”

Revi’s eyes suddenly welled with tears and she pulled her hand out of Seven’s to wipe them away. “I miss her,” she said helplessly.

“I do, too.” Seven did not stop to wonder how she could miss a woman she’d never physically met. The bonding transcended the reality in which she had previously operated, and she simply accepted this new version. She had loved Steph, and she’d lost her just as Revi had. She moved forward and took Revi in her arms, holding her tightly as Revi gave up and cried. Seven knew that Revi had never allowed herself to mourn until now. She’d never felt that she’d had the right.

“She was yours until the last moment, Revi. You’re not the one who took her away. Do you understand that?”

Revi shook her head. “No. It was my fault.”

“It was not your fault.” Seven projected her fierce belief, her love, and her total forgiveness into Revi’s mind, wrapping her up in a blanket of compassion. Revi snuggled in more closely, tightening her hold and giving herself over to her grief. The storm of weeping tore Seven’s heart apart, but she also understood how necessary this was—and how very, very long overdue.

At last Revi sat up again, wiping her eyes and smiling tremulously. “You know,” she said, “I’d forgotten all about that look Steph gave me the first time I told her I loved her. Gods, she was always so far ahead of me.”

“She was Betazoid,” Seven pointed out reasonably. “She knew what you were thinking. The real wonder is that you were so surprised at her knowledge.”

“I was surprised because I didn’t know until then, Seven. It never occurred to me that she could read feelings that I hadn’t even recognized.”

“It certainly occurred to you afterward.” They smiled at each other, both remembering the arguments Revi and Steph had gotten into when Revi’s tolerance of always being one step behind wore thin.

“Yes, it did. We had some pretty big fights over that. It was really the only thing we ever fought about.”

“That’s not true. You fought about your father.”

“Oh, yes,” said Revi, “that’s right. She always had so much more belief in his tolerance than I did. But she didn’t grow up with him.”

“It would have made your lives much less complicated if you’d made your relationship public.”

“But you know I couldn’t. Gods, I wish I could have. I wish he could have known her the way I did.”

“This is why you gave up your comm time,” said Seven, suddenly making the connection. Revi had declined to draw a number from the comm time lottery, telling Neelix that she’d rather let someone else call a little earlier. She had no one she needed to contact, she’d said. Seven had known then that she was estranged from her parents, but she hadn’t known exactly why.

“That’s why.” Revi looked at her sadly. “You know he’ll never look at me the same way. I’ve become everything he hates.”

“Then his intolerance will cost him the opportunity to truly know and love the most remarkable heart in the universe,” said Seven. “And that is entirely his loss.”

“But it’s mine, too,” said Revi quietly. And Seven, who knew all about losing parents, could only reach out to hold her once more.

They spent the rest of the night talking, mostly about Steph and their years together. The dam had been broken, and Revi couldn’t seem to talk enough about her lost love. Seven didn’t mind; in fact she welcomed it. She’d loved Steph too, and it felt good to discuss their years together, coming to new understandings and different conclusions than Revi had at the time of the actual events. The intervening years had changed Revi’s outlook considerably, and of course Seven’s was different from the start. She never felt threatened by these memories and emotions, because she was entirely confident that Revi had room enough in her heart to love them both. There was simply no way to mistake Revi’s love for anything less than it was, not when they had shared such an intense bonding. And she also knew that what she and Revi shared was very different from what Revi and Steph had shared. The fact that their mental communication went both ways was, in itself, a fundamental difference that altered the very fabric of their relationship. Revi had never been able to communicate with Steph the way she could with Seven.

As the gamma shift drew toward its end, their talk turned to other subjects, chief among them the continued rift between Kathryn and Lynne. Everyone knew they were back together again, but neither one of them looked happy. In fact, Seven and Revi agreed that they were looking worse with each passing day, and word from the bridge was that Janeway was like a tiger with a thorn in her paw. Something wasn’t right, and Seven had already asked Lynne about it to no avail. To Seven the answer seemed clear: Revi needed to confront Kathryn and find out what was wrong.

“Are you insane?” asked Revi, startled. “She’d kill me.”

“That is an exaggeration. And I don’t understand your trepidation; you did it once with desirable results. Why would you not wish to repeat your success?”

“Seven, I got away with it once precisely because Kathryn never expected me to go so far over the line. Her shock gave me the opening I needed. I’ll never have that advantage again. If I tried that same technique now, she’d throw me out of her ready room faster than you can calculate a phase variance.”

Seven mulled this over and conceded Revi’s superior knowledge of human nature. She was learning rapidly, but still lacked the instinctive understanding that Revi possessed. “Then what can you do?” she asked.

“Unfortunately, not much at this point. Not unless Kathryn comes to me as a friend. She’s so private; I know if I tried to push her about this she’d just shut me out. I think all either one of us can do is be there for them. It will have to come out sooner or later. Or they may just resolve it on their own and we’ll never know what the problem was.”

This was a distinctly unsatisfying conclusion, but Seven recognized the truth of it. “I wish they could be as happy as we are,” she said wistfully. She had modeled her own ideal of a relationship on Kathryn and Lynne’s, and it was difficult for her to see them failing.

“They’re not failing, Seven. They’re just having a tough time right now. Every relationship has those moments—you certainly saw that with me and Steph. They’ll get through it. They love each other too much not to.”

It was still not enough, but Seven understood that she had no ability to alter this reality.

“We must prepare for our shift,” she said reluctantly. This night had literally changed her life, and she was loathe to see it end. But they had duties.

“I think the word you’re looking for is ‘magical,’” said Revi. “It was a magical night.”

“Magic is a term used to describe any event whose physical or technological origin cannot be determined,” said Seven. “We both understand what happened last night. Therefore it was not magical.”

Revi reached out to gently run the back of her hand along Seven’s cheek. “It was magical to me,” she said softly.

Seven found that she had no response whatsoever to that, so she grasped Revi’s hand, turned it over and kissed the palm. “I love you,” she said. “There will never be another.” She looked into Revi’s eyes, daring her to refute the statement as she always did.

But this time, Revi just looked back at her. “I hope not,” she said. It wasn’t a clear endorsement, but it was an improvement.

They replicated a new uniform for Revi, and Seven tried to hide a smile at the look Revi shot her when she gathered up the shreds of her old one. Her efforts were ineffective. “Don’t even try,” said Revi. “I know damn well you’re proud of yourself.”

While they cleaned up and got dressed, Seven brought up something that had puzzled her the previous evening. “Commander Chakotay spent much of our time together attempting to determine what was wrong with Lieutenant Paris,” she said. “In fact, I had the distinct impression that he has expended considerable effort over the last week on this issue. Why did you lead him to believe that something was wrong when you know that is not true?”

“Because I’m playing with his mind,” said Revi. “It’s driving him nuts that he can’t find out what’s wrong, and I’m having a great time watching it.”

“Revi, that is…” Seven stopped, unable to think of an appropriate term to describe this behavior.

“Juvenile?” suggested Revi with a broad smile.

Seven nodded.

“Maybe so. But we’re in a funny place, Seven. We’re not enemies anymore, and yet I’m not quite ready to be his friend, our evenings out notwithstanding. I guess this is my way of exacting a little revenge for what he did to me, without being outright cruel.”

“I see,” said Seven, who didn’t.

Revi laughed. “No, you don’t. But don’t worry, most people on this ship wouldn’t, either. Just those of us with devious little minds.”

“So Kathryn would understand?”

Revi broke down then, laughing helplessly. “Oh, darling, I wish she’d been here to hear that.” She got control of herself once more. “Yes, actually, I think she would.”

 

 

-----

 

 

Their last words about Chakotay were fresh in Seven’s mind when she went to the bridge later that day, a report for Kathryn in her hand. She found Chakotay holding the bridge, and just as she was exiting the turbolift she heard Revi asking her for a favor.

: Seven! Will you ask Chakotay a question for me? :

: Certainly. :

: Great. Now, you have to phrase it exactly the way I do. :

Seven turned her head as she walked down the ramp to the main bridge level. “Hi, Chakotay, how’s it hanging?” she asked. She saw his jaw drop open, along with Harry Kim’s, and turned her head forward again to prevent them from seeing the smile that she couldn’t control. In her mind she heard Revi having a hysterical fit of laughter.

: Revi, are you attempting to convert me to your juvenile behaviors? :

: You can’t tell me you didn’t enjoy that. Oh, gods, that was priceless! :

Seven just rolled her eyes and pressed the entry chime to the ready room.

 

 

 

 

---

Chapter 29

 

 

Janeway rubbed her eyes as she tried for the third time to get through Admiral Strickler’s impenetrable communiqué. The man brought obfuscation to a whole new level, and it didn’t help that she hadn’t had a full night’s sleep in over two weeks now. Lynne’s nightmares were an all too regular occurrence, and even though she could usually get Lynne calmed down and back to sleep quickly, her own mind would never shut itself off. It wasn’t unusual for her to lie awake the rest of the night, thinking about the burdens that had seemed to fall on her shoulders all at once. The situation with Lynne was not improving; besides the nightmares, she seemed to have acquired a whole different personality. Her normal cocky independence had vanished, to be replaced with a tentativeness that broke Janeway’s heart to see. The woman who normally threw herself wholeheartedly into everything she did was now just going through the motions, and her marriage wasn’t the only thing affected. Yesterday Tuvok had submitted a formal report specifying his concerns regarding her performance. His language had been as objective as usual, but Janeway read between the lines and could sum it up in one sentence: Lynne was losing her edge, and if she didn’t get it back he would be forced to recommend a transfer.

On top of her home worries, Janeway had a whole host of new professional concerns brought on by their regular Starfleet contact. She was undergoing her first review in six years, and Admiral Necheyev had been asking her some damned tough questions. On the one hand, she was grateful that the questioning was taking the form of daily video messages back and forth, which gave her time to carefully plan her answers. On the other hand, that same delay gave Necheyev time to analyze the hell out of her answers and come back with even more difficult questions. She’d had to tread very carefully on several occasions.

And then there were the battles she was fighting on behalf of her crew. The first thing she’d done upon establishing their initial contact with Starfleet was send out two formal requests: one for amnesty for her Maquis crew, and the other for official recognition of Seven and Revi as Federation citizens and not Borg. She knew the request for Revi would be easier; after all, she was a Starfleet commander who had been taken as a prisoner of war. But Seven was going to be tricky. And to make matters much worse, her initial requests had to go through Necheyev first, and the Admiral had long been known as a hardliner when it came to both the Maquis and the Borg.

After playing some serious hardball, she’d finally gotten Necheyev to forward the requests, and now she was getting these impossible communiqués from Strickler, which took her forever to read and even longer to respond to. His obsessive need for tiny and irrelevant details was driving her insane.

These days, she thought irritably, the road to insanity was a fairly short one.

The door chime broke through her thoughts and she tossed the PADD on her desk. “Come,” she said, rubbing the bridge of her nose as a pair of long legs stopped in front of her desk. “Hello, Seven.”

“Captain.”

Janeway looked up. And up. Why would Seven never just come in and sit like everyone else?

“Sit down,” she said shortly. “I’ve already got a headache; I don’t need a neck ache on top of it. What do you—” She stopped and pulled herself together. “What can I do for you?”

Seven tilted her head, giving Janeway that look of keen examination that said nothing was going unnoticed. Normally Janeway valued Seven’s observational skills, but not today and especially not when she was the one under the microscope.

“Are my pips on the wrong side this morning?” she said. It wasn’t really a joke.

And Seven didn’t get it. “No, they’re not,” she said. “Nor have they ever been. Why do you ask?”

“Because you’re looking at me like something’s wrong with me and I don’t appreciate it.”

An expression of surprise crossed Seven’s face briefly before her mask of cool indifference came down. Janeway felt a tiny moment of guilt; she’d worked a long time to break through that mask and she hated to see it come back now. But dammit, she just didn’t feel like dealing with Seven’s tactless curiosity today.

“I apologize if I have offended,” said Seven evenly. She placed a PADD on the desk with a precise motion. “I have completed my analysis of the transwarp theory. I wished to bring it to you personally in the event that you had any questions or further requests.”

Janeway picked up the PADD, glanced at it briefly, and put it on the “to read” pile. “Thanks. I’ll get to it when I can. It’s going to be a little while, Seven.”

Seven eyed the stack of PADDs, which appeared to be teetering on the edge of total collapse. “Captain, if there’s anything I can do to assist you, I would be pleased to do so. It’s obvious that our communication with Starfleet has caused a significant increase in your workload. You have many qualified staff who would be glad to share this burden.”

Janeway felt a flare of irritation. “I don’t need lessons in delegation, thank you very much. If I could hand any of this off, you’d better believe it would have been done already. If that’s all you came for, Seven, I’ve got a lot of work to do.”

There was a tiny pause during which Janeway refused to look up, instead picking up Admiral Strickler’s communiqué and resuming her reading.

“Very well,” said Seven in a cool tone. She rose and departed without another word.

Janeway shook her head as the door closed. “I’d get through this crap a lot faster if people didn’t keep interrupting,” she muttered to herself.

Not ten minutes later her chime rang again, just as she’d finally gotten into the rhythm of Strickler’s impenetrable writing. She threw the PADD onto her desk with a little more force than necessary, growling to herself. “Should have put a privacy lockout on the damned door. Come!”

This time it was Revi, and Janeway felt her irritation flare up into full anger. “I see Seven didn’t waste any time. If you’ve come to give me some well-meaning advice on how to handle my staff, you picked a bad day.”

Revi walked around the side of the desk and came to a stop in front of Janeway’s chair. “I haven’t come to give you advice; I came to give you a hypospray.”

“For what?”

“You told Seven you had a headache. I can take care of that. May I?” She held out the hypo.

Janeway eyed her suspiciously. “If I let you give that to me, will you leave me alone?”

“There’s no reason to stay; I’m just doing my job. I’m a little busy right now too.”

Janeway nodded shortly and turned her head, giving Revi access. A moment later she felt the cool sensation of a hypo injection, and within seconds the tight band around her forehead had eased. She closed her eyes in relief.

“Thank you,” she said, raising her head to meet Revi’s sympathetic gaze.

“You’re welcome. Kathryn, you don’t need to suffer like that. Just call me. I’ll come as soon as I can.”

“Do you have a hypospray that can get rid of that?” Janeway gestured toward the pile of PADDs.

“No, unfortunately. I have a pretty big stack in my office, too. Though if we’re comparing sizes, you win.”

The glimmer in those brown eyes gave her away; Revi knew exactly what she’d just said. Janeway couldn’t help the small smile that cracked her face. It felt almost foreign.

“I don’t always have to have the biggest, you know,” she said. “Sometimes smaller is better.”

“Sometimes none is best of all.”

Now the smile became an open grin. “Doctor Sandovhar, I’m fairly certain that this is an inappropriate discussion for the workplace.”

Wide, innocent eyes gazed back at her. “Captain Janeway, I was referring to PADDs. What were you talking about?”

“Apparently, nothing at all.”

They smiled at each other before Janeway nodded. “Thanks, Revi. But I really do have a lot to do.”

“I know.” Revi turned away. “Call me if you need me,” she said over her shoulder, then left.

Janeway looked at the closed door. “I will,” she said.

 

 

-----

 

 

That night Janeway came awake to the familiar sounds of Lynne’s distress. Quickly she rolled over and slid her hands under Lynne’s shoulders, wincing at the sweat that had already soaked the sheets.

“Shhh,” she whispered, as the body beneath hers twitched and trembled. “You’re all right, Lynne. It’s just a dream.” She’d learned through far too much practice that if she caught Lynne early enough, she could break through the nightmare without ever waking her.

Soon Lynne’s movements stilled, and she fell back into a deep sleep that Janeway envied. She carefully pulled away and moved farther to her side of the bed, where the sheets were dry. She hadn’t said anything about these nightly events to Lynne; instead quietly changing the sheets the next morning after Lynne had gone on duty. If her wife didn’t remember the nightmares, she didn’t see any reason to bring them up. In the meantime, unfortunately, she was paying the price. Her lack of sleep was becoming a real issue, and she silently thanked Revi for her tact earlier that day. As CMO, she could have ordered Janeway to go home and catch up on her sleep; instead she’d chosen merely to bring the situation out into the open and then let it drop. Janeway knew it was a gentle warning.

With a long sigh, she closed her eyes and willed herself to sleep. Please, she thought, just two more hours. That’s all I ask.

 

 

-----

 

 

For the next three days, Revi appeared in her ready room at the mid-morning break to give her a hypo for the headache that never really seemed to go away. Janeway briefly considered just asking for a supply that she could use on her own, but discarded the thought as soon as it occurred to her. She knew Revi would never allow it; she was being monitored.

On the fourth day, Janeway was feeling completely trashed. Lynne had had a particularly bad nightmare the night before, waking herself up despite Janeway’s attempts to calm her down. She’d actually tried to throw Janeway off before fully waking and realizing where she was. Then she’d looked up with tears in her eyes, breaking Janeway’s heart all over again.

“It’s never going to end, is it?” she’d asked.

Janeway had stroked the damp hair away from her face and made a guarantee that she couldn’t back.

“Yes, it will,” she’d said. “It’ll take time, Lynne. But it will get better.”

“When?”

“I don’t know.” And secretly, Janeway was wondering the same thing herself. It had already been three weeks since the Arnett takeover and nothing had changed. There had to be something else she could do. She’d suggested that Lynne talk to Revi, only to be met with an emphatic shake of the head and a steadfast refusal. Lynne considered this to be personal and private, and she didn’t want to talk about it with anyone else.

But, thought Janeway as she sat at her desk and rested her face in her hands, it might be time to ask again. Things couldn’t go on like this. She was so damned tired. So tired that, when the door chime rang, she didn’t even lift her head. She already knew it was Revi.

“Come,” she said, keeping her eyes closed and wondering if Revi would be so kind as to just inject her and leave.

“Okay, that’s it,” said Revi’s voice.

Nope, she wouldn’t. Janeway wearily raised her head and focused on her CMO, waiting for the tirade.

Revi didn’t disappoint. “Kathryn, you need to tell me what’s going on. I’ve given you as much leeway as I can, but I’m about ready to haul you into sickbay and put you to sleep for forty-eight hours. This is ridiculous.”

“That actually sounds kind of nice,” Janeway mumbled. Two days of sleep? Heaven. “But could you do it in my quarters instead?”

“Kathryn.” Revi dropped into the chair across from her. “What is wrong? You’re really starting to worry me.”

Janeway eyed her, trying to assess how much she was obligated to keep private as a wife, and how much she was obligated to reveal as a captain. Eventually, the captain won out.

“Lynne’s having nightmares,” she said. “Every night since the Arnett takeover, and sometimes more than once a night. I can usually calm her down without waking her, but once I’m awake I can never get back to sleep. I’m averaging about four hours a night.”

“Averaging. Meaning some nights you’re getting less.”

“My math’s a little off. Most nights I’m getting less.”

“So I have two patients,” said Revi. “And I suspect the one who really needs help isn’t the one I’m talking to right now.”

Janeway shook her head. “I can’t get her to see you.”

“Yes, you can.”

“Revi, I’ve tried. To her it’s a personal weakness. She doesn’t want anyone else to know about it. And I don’t think she even realizes how often she has these nightmares, because I’m there to pull her out of them before they wake her up.”

“Then you need to make her realize it,” said Revi. “And you need to make her realize what this is costing you. As a starting point, I’m sending you home right now. Go home and get some sleep, and when Lynne comes off duty and asks why you’re already in bed, tell her the truth.”

Janeway opened her mouth to object, but closed it again when she saw the look on Revi’s face. She knew she’d run out of wiggle room.

“All right,” she said. “Shall I tell Chakotay, or did you already do it?”

“I would never do that without telling you first,” said Revi. “You’re still the captain.”

“For how long?” asked Janeway, rising from her chair.

Revi stood up as well. “Kathryn, I’m not removing you from command. You’re a long way from that. I’m just telling you, as your doctor, that you desperately need some sleep—and giving you the medical dispensation to get it. And judging by the way you just gave in, I’d say you know exactly how much you need it.”

Janeway couldn’t deny it; in fact, she felt nothing but a sense of relief.

“Let’s go,” she said. “The bridge crew will probably give you a medal. I know I haven’t been the easiest person to work with these last few weeks.”

Prudently, Revi didn’t answer that, merely standing by her side as Janeway explained to Chakotay that she was taking the rest of the day off. The presence of the CMO made it plain to all that her “day off” was actually a medical leave, and Chakotay’s concern was clear in his face.

“I’m all right,” Janeway assured him quietly. “I’ll be back tomorrow.”

He nodded and watched as the two women walked up the ramp and into the turbolift. When the doors slid shut Janeway leaned against the wall, her exhaustion sweeping over her.

“I want to see Lynne in my sickbay first thing tomorrow,” said Revi.

Janeway nodded. “Yes, ma’am,” she joked weakly.

Revi didn’t smile, instead reaching out to grip Janeway’s shoulder. They looked at each other in silence until the ‘lift arrived at deck three. Revi squeezed once and let go. “Sweet dreams,” she said.

“I hope so.” Janeway walked out, hearing the doors close behind her. In moments she was in the welcoming quiet of her own quarters, and suddenly she could barely keep herself upright long enough to pull off her uniform. Folding and recycling the clothes was definitely not an option; she left them in a pile on her side of the bed and crawled in, luxuriating in the comfort. Oh, god, what a pleasure to have the bed all to herself and know that nothing would disturb her for the next six hours. With any luck, she’d sleep the entire time.

 

 

-----

 

 

Lynne was caressing her face, slowly building her up as their bodies moved together in the warm heat of the sun. Janeway turned her head into the caress, loving the intimate contact. “Mmm,” she said, “that feels wonderful.”

The sound of her own voice woke her up, and she looked into a pair of worried green eyes. The dream faded away, leaving her with a crushing sense of disappointment and regret. She wasn’t on Bliss, they weren’t making love and Lynne would never again be the woman she’d been on their honeymoon.

“Are you sick?” asked Lynne, still caressing her face. “Your forehead feels hot.”

Janeway closed her eyes again, her mind not yet fully awake. She felt disoriented and strangely heavy.

“I’m okay,” she said at last. “I just needed some sleep. Revi sent me home.”

“She sent you home? As in, on medical leave? Isn’t that serious?”

Not really, was Janeway’s first thought, but then she remembered Revi’s advice. Tell her the truth.

She opened her eyes again. “Yes,” she said simply. “It’s the first step in a chain of events that could end with her declaring me medically unfit to command. But it won’t get that far.”

Lynne’s look of worry deepened. “What won’t get that far? What’s wrong?”

Janeway pulled herself into a sitting position, noting that Lynne was still in uniform. “Did you just get off duty?”

“Such as it was,” said Lynne. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“What do you mean, ‘such as it was’?”

“Later. You first.”

Janeway watched her, but Lynne had a stubborn set to her features that she recognized.

“I haven’t been getting enough sleep,” she said. “Not since I moved out, and especially not since…that night in the holodeck. You’re having more nightmares than you know about, Lynne.”

“I’m waking you up?”

Janeway nodded. “Every night. Sometimes more than once. I can usually get you back to sleep, but I can’t seem to do the same for myself.”

“Kathryn! Why didn’t you say something?”

“I didn’t want to make things any worse for you than they already are. And the last time I suggested you go to see Revi, you practically jumped down my throat.”

“I did n—” Lynne stopped. “I don’t want to see her. Not about this.”

“Lynne, you have to. Please. For me if not for yourself. Because I can’t go on like this.”

She could read the expressions on Lynne’s face just as clearly as if they were labeled. Lynne didn’t like it, not at all, but she couldn’t refuse Janeway’s request.

“I’ll go tomorrow,” she said at last. “I don’t want this to be affecting you as well.”

“Thank you,” said Janeway in relief. “Now what happened to you today?”

Lynne stood up and began removing her uniform. “I failed a simulation.”

When nothing more was forthcoming, Janeway prodded her. “Can you be a little more specific?”

Lynne scooped up Janeway’s clothes and padded over to the replicator. After running both of their uniforms through the recycle mode, she put them back in the closet, pulled a t-shirt over her head, yanked a pair of loose pants off a hanger and came back to the bed to put them on.

“Tuvok created a new simulation,” she said as pulled the pants up. “With the Arnett. Did you know that Vulcans have a vicious streak?”

“He’d be surprised if you called it that in front of him,” said Janeway. “I’m sure he’d call it practicality.”

“Yeah, well I call it vicious. He set it up so that I’d end up in hand to hand combat with a bunch of Arnett, and I just froze. I couldn’t do it.” She turned toward Janeway. “I asked him why he programmed that simulation. He said I needed to learn to compartmentalize my emotions. That I couldn’t be effective as your personal security escort unless I could be nothing but your escort when I’m on duty. Not me, not your wife, just your escort. I don’t know if I can do that, Kathryn. I’m not sure I’m going to be able to keep this job.” And the look on her face said she really didn’t care if she lost it.

Janeway thought very carefully before she addressed this little bomb. As much as she’d fought against Lynne taking this kind of duty, once it had happened she’d realized how much she enjoyed having Lynne with her, and how much confidence the duty gave her wife. Lynne needed this posting; she couldn’t just let it go.

“You’re going through a difficult period right now,” she said, reaching out for Lynne’s hand. “I think, given the changes you’ve been through and all that you’ve done, that a little setback is to be expected. But you can’t let it stop you. You’ve got to keep going, sweetheart. You’ve accomplished too much to stop now. Hell, you talked me into making you my escort. If you can do that, you can do anything.”

Her attempt at humor fell flat. Lynne hadn’t laughed since the Arnett takeover, and today was no exception. She squeezed Janeway’s hand and said, “I appreciate the pep talk. But I’m afraid I don’t agree with you. Right now it doesn’t feel like I’m much good for anything at all.”

It was the same theme Janeway had been hearing since she and Lynne had reconciled. She was beginning to worry that she might not be able to handle this.

“Lynne,” she said, “don’t do this to yourself. Fight for what you want. You always have, and it’s one of the things I love most about you.”

But Lynne just gave her a look of unutterable sadness. “You forget, Kathryn. Fighting is what got me into this mess.”

And there wasn’t a damn thing Janeway could say to that.

 

 

-----

 

 

At midmorning the next day, Revi came to see her.

“Kathryn, do you have time to talk?” she asked. “It’s about Lynne.”

“Is she all right?” Janeway was instantly worried.

But Revi didn’t answer right away. “Can we go up and sit?” She indicated the upper level.

Worry was now giving way to outright fear. “Certainly,” said Janeway, rising from her chair. She led the way to the upper level and, without asking, got a cup of tea and one of coffee from the replicator.

“Thank you,” said Revi when she returned, and they took a moment to sip their drinks. Setting her cup down on the table, Revi settled a very serious gaze on Janeway.

“I’ve just finished my tests on Lynne. She has extremely low levels of serotonin. Her body is reabsorbing it faster than it should.”

“And the layperson translation of that would be?”

“She’s in a depression, Kathryn. She admitted that she’s tired all the time and that her daily routine feels like it’s too much for her. She’s worried and afraid and feeling completely inadequate. She’s showing all the classic symptoms of depression, and while I can certainly treat those symptoms, that won’t take care of the cause.”

“Which is?” Janeway was afraid to ask.

“That’s why I’m here.” Revi’s expression grew even more serious. “What I just told you comes under the protection of doctor/patient confidentiality. I had no intention of sharing it with you, and I started to explain to Lynne that we could work together on this in confidence. But she insisted that you know everything, down to the last detail. It struck me as a bit odd. She didn’t just say she’d tell you, or that it was okay for you to know—she insisted that I personally give you the details. And she looked afraid when she said that. Do you know why that would be?”

Janeway closed her eyes for a moment. “Yes,” she said, forcing herself to meet Revi’s gaze. The guilt was settling heavily on her shoulders. “It’s a reaction to my threatening to leave her if she didn’t tell me the truth about the Arnett. I told her there could be no more lies or withholding of the truth between us.”

Revi stared. “You threatened to leave her?”

“Yes.” Janeway lifted her chin, very unhappy at the personal turn this had taken, but determined to get through it for Lynne’s sake. “It was the only way to get her to talk about the Arnett. I’d tried everything else. That was the night you came and rousted me out of here.”

The silence that followed that statement was distinctly uncomfortable, especially with Revi looking at her that way. Janeway met her gaze evenly, refusing to back down. Finally Revi exhaled.

“Kathryn,” she said, “I know this is uncomfortable for you. It’s uncomfortable for me, too, but Lynne’s health is at stake so we’re going to do whatever it takes to resolve this. Therefore, it’s with the utmost respect that I have to ask you—” her voice suddenly got quite a bit louder—“what the hell were you thinking?”

Janeway was completely taken aback. “What?”

“Would you really have left her if she hadn’t told you the truth?”

“No!” Janeway looked away, gathering herself. Not in a million years would she have ever envisioned herself having this kind of conversation. When she looked back at Revi the disappointment in her friend’s face was difficult to bear.

“No, I wouldn’t have,” she repeated. “But I was at my wit’s end, and I didn’t know what else to do. If that hadn’t worked, I’d have left for awhile and hoped the reality of that action would have brought Lynne around. But it worked.”

“At what cost?” asked Revi quietly. “Kathryn, that night I told you that you needed to respond to the situation as a wife, not a captain. But you went out and did the captain thing anyway, didn’t you?”

Janeway remembered the intense emotion of that late-night conversation, of Lynne collapsing at her feet and the two of them crying in each other’s arms. No, she hadn’t been a captain at all.

“I wasn’t being a captain,” she said. “I did listen to you, Revi.”

“No, I don’t think you did. And I really don’t want to hear you say that you weren’t being a captain, either.”

This was getting out of hand. “Revi—”

“Because,” interrupted Revi, “for a captain, taking manipulation to an art form is considered a good quality. But for a wife, that same thing is grounds for divorce. So don’t tell me you were being a wife, Kathryn. I don’t want to think that you could intentionally and coolly manipulate your wife into doing what you want, at the expense of destroying her sense of security and self-worth.”

Janeway stared. “Is that what you think I’ve done?”

“No, that’s what I know you’ve done. Gods, Kathryn, how could you?” She ran her hand through her hair and added quietly, almost to herself, “Shit. This explains everything.”

Janeway’s own guilt was bad enough. Days of inadequate sleep had left her mental reserves completely empty, and yesterday’s long nap hadn’t been nearly enough to make up for it. Having Revi accuse her like that pushed her right over the edge, and she lashed out in defense.

“You know,” she said icily, “for someone who’s never been married, you certainly have strong opinions about my marriage, and I’m getting tired of it. I did what I thought was best, and I’d appreciate it if you’d restrict your input to that of Lynne’s doctor and not my personal advisor.”

But Revi just looked at her, showing no reaction to her harsh words. Then she said the last thing Janeway had ever expected.

“How do you know I’ve never been married?”

Janeway was floored, and found herself scrambling for an answer. “There’s nothing in your Starfleet records. And you’ve never mentioned it.”

“It’s not in my Starfleet records for a reason. I didn’t want my family to know, so I never made it public. And I’ve never mentioned it because my marriage…ended badly, and I haven’t particularly wanted to think about it. But I do have some experience in the matter, Kathryn. Three years’ worth, to be exact.”

“I…I’m sorry.” Janeway didn’t know what to say. She’d rarely felt so completely at sea.

“It’s not your fault. I really should have told you; we’ve shared so much in so many other ways. Kathryn, your friendship means a lot to me, and I’m grateful for the way you’ve opened up to me. I know you don’t give that easily. I didn’t open up in that particular area because I just wasn’t ready to talk about Steph. But I think you need to know. Can I tell you a story?”

Janeway nodded, grateful that she wasn’t being required to respond more actively. She needed some time to adapt to this astonishing revelation.

Revi picked up her cup and took a sip of tea, settling herself into the cushions more comfortably. “Steph and I met at the Academy. She was everything I wasn’t—calm, thoughtful, and balanced. She was comfortable in her own skin. I was several years older than her, having already completed my medical training and residency, but she seemed so far ahead of me in terms of personal growth. I wanted to be just like her.”

“Revi, you’re one of the most calm and thoughtful people I know.”

“You can thank Steph for that. It’s amazing how love can change a person.” Revi smiled. “We hung out together, studied together, eventually did everything together. There came a time when I realized I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. But there was one big problem. She was Betazoid.”

Janeway frowned. “Why was that a problem?”

“Because of my family. My father more than my mother, but she let him influence her. My parents were very traditional. There was one particular…trait that they considered to be an abomination, an insult to the way the gods designed humans. And Steph was the embodiment of that.”

“I’m not getting it,” said Janeway.

“She was a telepath.”

“So? Every Betazoid is a telepath.”

“Yes, but not every Betazoid wanted to marry me. Just Steph. And my father would have made both of us miserable if he’d known. You have to understand, Kathryn, my father’s beliefs come from an ancient tradition, before Earth made contact with other worlds. A person’s mind and thoughts are between her or him and the gods. To have anyone else intercepting that divine exchange is considered an abomination. Father would never have let Steph into the house, much less allowed her to marry me. He didn’t even like having her in his bar, but since so much of his business came from Academy students he couldn’t afford to discriminate. Home was a completely different story, though.”

“So you got married but never reported it,” said Janeway.

Revi nodded. “It made getting postings on the same ship a problem, but we managed it. Steph was a pilot, a damned good one, and my Academy grades and prior experience as a doctor were good enough to get me the pick of postings. We planned carefully and had a wonderful three years together, on three different ships, learning to live and love. Learning to accept each other for what we really were,” she added, giving Janeway a meaningful glance.

It was a gentle accusation, but Janeway felt it keenly. She attempted a diversion. “It sounds like you were very happy together.”

“We were.” Revi paused, looking out the viewport and swallowing hard. “Our last posting was on the Rendez-vous.”

The connection was obvious, and Janeway found her throat completely blocked.

Revi met her gaze, her eyes full of an old pain. “I assimilated her.”

“God, Revi…”

“Then I tore her body apart, limb from limb,” continued Revi, never breaking eye contact, “and remade her in the image of Borg perfection. I took particular care with her, because some part of my brain still recognized her as someone special. I wanted her to be the personification of perfection. I left no part of her untouched. And when I was through there wasn’t much of her left. Now I hope to the gods that she’s dead, because I don’t ever want her to disconnect from the hive mind and realize what I did to her.”

Janeway reached out for Revi’s hand, holding it in silent sympathy. There was absolutely nothing she could say.

Revi squeezed her hand. “So you see, Kathryn, I know a little bit about what it takes to make a marriage work. I know that the kind of love you and Lynne share is a precious thing, worth protecting with everything you have. And I will do anything in my power to make sure you don’t have the kind of regrets that I do. And before you tell me that it’s not the same thing at all, let me tell you from experience that there are different kinds of death, but they all have a common thread. Steph’s not physically dead, not as far as I know, but she might as well be. And some part of Lynne is dead right now. She’s functioning, but that’s about all that can be said for her. She’s not living, not as the Lynne you fell in love with. You caused that, and you have the power to repair it.”

The words slammed into Janeway with a dreadful weight. She tried to rally. “I’m willing to take responsibility for my decisions, and I agree that what I did was…harsh. But I think you’re oversimplifying. Lynne’s nightmares are about what she did to the Arnett. It seems more likely that her depression is the result of her difficulties in dealing with what she’s done, especially given the fact that she and I resolved our issues that night. We’re fine.”

“Lynne’s nightmares are not about what she did to the Arnett. They’re about you leaving. They’re about her driving you away.”

Janeway shook her head. “They started several nights before that.”

“Yes, they started the night you moved out. Kathryn, can’t you see what’s happening here? First you move out of your quarters because Lynne won’t tell you what she did. Then you threaten to leave her permanently. And now she’s living in fear that if she does anything wrong, you’ll make good on that threat. That fear is coming out in her depression during the day and her nightmares every night. And you’re both paying the price.”

Janeway refused to accept this interpretation. “She knows I won’t leave. I told her it would kill me.”

Now it was Revi’s turn to shake her head. “Wait. You told her you were leaving, and then you told her you wouldn’t? Kathryn, what exactly happened? Just tell me the basics. This is important.”

Janeway picked up her coffee, which had cooled considerably, and used it to stall for time. But with Revi watching her every move, the tactic wasn’t good for long. She put the cup back down with a click.

“I found her in the holodeck,” she said. “I sat down next to her and asked her one last time to tell me the truth. She refused. So I told her that if she wouldn’t keep her promises to me, there was nothing left to say. Then I gave back her ring.” Revi’s sudden intake of air distracted her for a moment. “That broke through, and she finally told me what happened. I took back the ring and told her that I wasn’t going anywhere. She said it would kill her if I left, and I said it would kill us both. The rest was just a discussion about what she’d done to the Arnett and how we were going to work through it.”

A silence fell as Revi stared at her, apparently unable to speak. At last she said, “Kathryn, there’s no easy way to say this. What you did was wrong. Completely, totally wrong. You walked in there like a captain and took Lynne apart as if she were an errant member of your crew. And in the process you took every bit of her security away. You may have told her you wouldn’t leave, but your actions showed that you most certainly would. You gave her mixed messages, and you know as well as I do that actions speak louder than words. You’ve essentially proved to her that if she doesn’t toe the line, she loses you. It’s not a wonder that she’s having nightmares about driving you away.”

Janeway felt the ground slipping under her, and a dread gripped her heart. “But the nightmares aren’t...” She stopped, thinking about the description Lynne had given her that first night.

“Dreams are rarely literal,” said Revi gently. “Lynne said she always wakes up at the part where she’s physically beating you. That’s the part that terrifies her, Kathryn. Not the part where she’s looking at the Arnett lying around the cargo bay, knowing she put them there. The part where you come in and shout at her, and she breaks the bones in your face. The part where she does something horrible, unspeakable and completely unforgivable. The part where she knows she’s driving you away.”

Revi’s quiet tone was a strange contrast to the violence she was describing. But her words were getting through, and the picture was coming together in Janeway’s mind. What she was seeing horrified her. She had proved that she would end their marriage if Lynne didn’t live up to her promises. She’d taken off her ring; Jesus, what a message that sent. Revi was right; simply saying she wouldn’t leave didn’t carry enough weight to counter the far stronger message implied in taking off her ring and pressing it in Lynne’s hand.

She dropped her head. “She told me I was her security. When she gave up everything else, I became her only security. She said home was no longer a place, it was a person. It was me.” Slowly, she raised her eyes to Revi’s. “And I took that away from her. I just thought of it as the last trick in my arsenal to get her to talk. I didn’t think about the long-term ramifications. God, Revi, what have I done?”

She didn’t deserve the sympathy in Revi’s expression.

“There’s no way around the truth, Kathryn; you’ve done some serious damage. Lynne’s been affected both psychologically and physically. You’re going to have to prove to her that she is secure, and that you won’t leave. I’ve given her something to correct her brain chemistry, which will help. But it’s only a temporary solution. There are two permanent ones, and the best one is in your hands.”

“That’s not something I can do overnight.”

“No, it’s not. The first thing I ever learned as a doctor was that it’s very easy to injure someone, and a lot harder to repair it. The good news it, you can fix it in time.”

Janeway hardly heard her; she was too busy remembering that terrible night in the holodeck when Lynne had come completely undone. No, be truthful. When you intentionally tore her world apart and watched her fall. And she’s been falling ever since.

A hand on her shoulder brought her back, and she looked into eyes full of compassion. “I know it hurts, Kathryn. There’s nothing worse than hurting the one we love. But Lynne is here, right now, and you can fix it. It’s not permanent. Do you understand?”

She did. Revi had disclosed her darkest secret in an effort to help her and Lynne; to break through her formality and personal defenses and make her see clearly. And it had worked, but at what cost to Revi?

“Are you okay?” she asked.

Revi looked surprised. “I’m okay. Why do you ask?”

“Because I just realized what you did for me and Lynne, and I know it can’t have been easy for you. I’m so sorry about Steph.”

Revi smiled. “That’s the Janeway compassion I’ve come to expect and love. Kathryn, I did tell you that to help you understand, but it wasn’t hard. It hasn’t been since I let Seven in. It’s amazing what mind-to-mind understanding and total forgiveness can do. I would never have thought that anyone could forgive me for that, but Seven does. And she knows exactly what happened. I’ve come to realize that Steph won’t ever really die, because I carry around a piece of her in my heart. In fact, I think of her a lot more now that it doesn’t hurt so much. And now Seven has a piece of her, too. In a way, I’ve gotten Steph back.”

“That’s wonderful and amazing,” said Janeway. “And I’m so glad you’ve found forgiveness.”

“Just remember, Kathryn—if I can find it, you certainly can.”

“I hope so. I’m not certain I deserve it.”

“Take my word for it. You do.” Revi’s expression turned serious. “But you may have to crawl for it.”

Janeway didn’t respond, thinking about something Revi had said. “You said there were two permanent solutions. What’s the other one?”

There was a pause. “Lynne’s a strong woman,” said Revi. “She’s already lost a great deal and she’s adapted. If she had to, she’d adapt to this eventually, by making sure that your leaving her won’t have the power to hurt her so badly.”

“You mean by leaving me first,” said Janeway.

Revi nodded. “If not physically, then emotionally.”

Janeway thought about Lynne’s ability to pull into herself and wall off her emotions. It was something she’d fought against from almost the first day of their relationship. Yes, it would be a very natural reaction for Lynne, and wasn’t she already seeing some part of that?

A panic gripped her. How could she have been so wrong?

She met Revi’s eyes. “I’ll crawl. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

 

 

-----

 

 

Janeway made sure she left her shift the absolute second that it ended. From the moment Revi had left her ready room, she’d had the sensation of a clock ticking all day. The panic she’d first felt upon realizing what she’d done had gradually increased, until it seemed to her that her life was hanging by a thread. She needed to see Lynne now.

Their quarters were empty when she got there, and she immediately asked the computer for Lynne’s location.

“Lynne Hamilton is in Turbolift One.”

On her way home, then. Janeway walked to the replicator and asked for their drinks, which had long ago been programmed in as a default. By the time the doors opened, she was standing ready with Lynne’s gin and tonic in her hand.

“Hi, sweetheart,” she said.

“Hi.” Lynne stopped in front of her and took the drink. “How’d you know I needed this?”

“Because I needed one.” Janeway clinked her own glass to Lynne’s. “To us.”

“To us,” Lynne echoed. She sipped her drink and closed her eyes for a moment. “God, it’s good to be home. What a day.”

Janeway took her hand and led her to the couch. “What happened?”

“Well, I spent the morning having my body and my psyche examined by Revi, which wasn’t my idea of a great time. Then I spent the afternoon in another simulation apparently designed specifically to make me fail. Though I’m glad to say it wasn’t as bad as yesterday’s. Whatever Revi gave me is working; I feel like I’m starting to see clearly again. Like the fog is lifting from my mind.”

“She stopped by my ready room, too.”

Lynne nodded. “I know. I asked her to tell you the results. I wanted you to know everything.”

Janeway winced. Once that statement would have made her happy; now it felt like a lead weight on her heart. “Well, she certainly told me more than I wanted to know.”

“What do you mean?”

Janeway looked into her wife’s concerned eyes and wondered how on earth she could even begin. Maybe she should wait? Maybe they should have dinner first. No, she needed to do this now. It wasn’t going to get any better.

“Lynne,” she said slowly, “remember when I said I could forgive you anything?”

The concern turned to outright fear, and Janeway held up a hand. “No, don’t worry, this isn’t about you. Well, it is, but you’re not the one who needs forgiving.” She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. “I need to know if you can forgive me, Lynne. I have something to tell you, and I guess I’m looking for a little assurance before I start.”

Lynne put her glass on the table and reached out for Janeway’s hand. “You’re scaring the hell out of me, but whatever it is, I can’t imagine not being able to forgive you.”

Janeway saw the love in her face and wondered if it would still be there when she was finished with what she had to say. What would she do if Lynne told her that she’d deliberately done something to crush her?

She couldn’t even think about it.

Squeezing Lynne’s hand, she said, “I’ve done something wrong. Really, really wrong, and though I didn’t realize it at the time, I do now. I hurt you badly because I…I was thinking like a captain instead of a wife. Remember how I told you that I had a Marriage Handbook?”

Lynne gave her a small smile. “Yeah, I’m still waiting for mine.”

“Well, apparently I didn’t read mine carefully enough. In the holodeck, the night that we…settled our differences, I…” She paused. “I never had any intention of leaving you.”

Lynne looked utterly confused. “What?”

“I could never have left you. I said that because I was desperate to get you to talk, and it was the last thing I had left to try. I’d tried everything else first, but nothing was working. So I…threatened to leave, but it was just a threat. I couldn’t have gone through with it, not for real.” Damn, this was sounding worse and worse the more she said.

Lynne pulled her hand away, her face completely blank. “That was a bluff?”

What an awful, single-word description for what she’d done. “Yes,” she admitted. “I felt like we were at a critical point in our relationship, and I thought it was absolutely imperative that you tell me the truth on your own. But nothing else got through to you, so I did what comes naturally to me in negotiations. I wasn’t thinking like a wife; I was thinking like a captain. And I am so sorry about that. Please believe me, Lynne.”

Lynne’s blank expression was unchanging. “Let me get this straight,” she said slowly. “You intentionally tore my fucking heart out of my fucking chest, threw it on the ground and stomped on it, all just to manipulate me into telling you what you already knew?”

Shit. This was not going well.

“Lynne, I never meant to hurt you.” She knew as soon as the words left her mouth that it was the absolute wrong thing to say.

Lynne laughed, for the first time in three weeks, and it was a terrible thing to hear. “Oh, that’s rich. I’d hate to see what you’re capable of when you really do mean to hurt me. Jesus, Kathryn.” She picked up her drink and downed half of it in three long gulps, closing her eyes as the synthehol burned down her throat. When she opened them again Janeway saw a stranger.

“I don’t know what to say to you,” she said. “Never, never would I have thought you could do that to me. I don’t even know who you are.”

“I’m the same person I’ve always been,” said Janeway. “The person who loves you.”

“Well, you’ve got a funny way of showing it.” Lynne finished off her drink as Janeway watched in some alarm. They were both sippers, not gulpers, and the way Lynne was drinking now was a better indicator of her distress than either her facial expression or her voice. She was keeping it inside.

Holding the glass in her hand and examining it as if it were the focus of her entire attention, Lynne said quietly, “You told me that I should never bluff unless I was willing to lose the pot. So I can only conclude that you were willing to end our marriage.”

“No! That’s not true! Lynne, please believe me. Yes, I did tell you that, and yes it’s normally true, but it wasn’t in this case. When I told you it would kill me to go, that was the truth. I can’t live without you.”

There was a very long, very painful silence while Lynne stared at her empty glass. At last she raised her eyes, and the stranger was still there.

“Maybe you’ll have to learn how,” she said, and stood up.

Panicked, Janeway stood as well. “Lynne, please don’t. Please let us talk this out.”

Lynne looked toward the door, and Janeway felt her slipping away. “It was wrong,” she said urgently. “I know it was wrong; I’m so sorry, I just didn’t think about what it would do to you in the long term. God, if I could take it back I would, but I fucked up—I made a mistake. Please work this out with me. Don’t leave me.”

Slowly, Lynne’s head turned back. There was no emotion on her face as she said evenly, “I should, you know. I should just walk out that door.”

Janeway felt a crushing relief. She wasn’t going to leave.

But then Lynne’s demeanor changed, and her icy calm gave way to anger.

“I should just walk away, so you can see how it feels!” she shouted.

The sudden transformation was stunning. Lynne’s eyes were glowing with rage; there was more life in her now than there had been for weeks. The anger was rolling off her in waves, physically palpable in the small room. She took a menacing step toward Janeway, who barely kept herself from retreating.

“How. Could. You. Do that. To me?” growled Lynne. “You call that love? I call it deliberate cruelty. I wouldn’t treat a dog that way, much less the woman I promised to love and honor and protect. What are your promises worth, Kathryn? Tell me that!” Her face was centimeters away, and Janeway’s body was instinctively responding as to a threat. For a moment she thought she knew what the Arnett must have seen right before Lynne knocked them out.

Lynne’s arm moved suddenly, and Janeway couldn’t stop her flinch before she heard the explosion of shattering glass. She looked around in surprise. Lynne had thrown her glass straight into the replicator, with such force that quite a few of the broken shards had come flying back out and now lay scattered on the floor in front of the unit. She turned back to Lynne, hoping to god that she hadn’t seen her flinch.

But Lynne was already moving away, pacing in tight circles around the living room. “I cannot believe this,” she said. “Jesus fucking Christ.” She stopped and lifted her head. “How do you live with yourself? I beat up some nasty little shits who desperately deserved it and I can hardly sleep at night. You tear out the heart of the woman you say you love and seem to go along just fine. Why are you telling me this now? Is it finally getting to you? Oh, that’s right, you wanted me to forgive you.” There was that terrible laugh again. “I’ll have to get back to you on that one, Kathryn.”

Janeway watched in despair as Lynne seemed to be moving farther and farther away from her.

“I’m telling you now because it took me this long to realize what I’d done,” she said. “I came here straight after my shift and I told you the minute you walked through that door. Lynne, I know it was wrong. I don’t know how I’m going to live with myself; just getting through the rest of my shift today was practically impossible. I’m sorry, desperately sorry for hurting you. Please believe me.”

“Why?” Lynne shouted. In a heartbeat she was back in Janeway’s face. “Why should I believe you? You’ve just told me that you lied on the holodeck. Why should I believe you now? Oh, and by the way, Kathryn, thanks for completely ruining that program for me. God, our engagement mountain of all places.” She stomped to the viewport and stood there, breathing hard, her clenched fists at her side as she stared out. Janeway carefully moved up next to her. She was afraid to touch her.

“You should believe me because it’s the truth,” she said quietly. “And because—except for that one time—I’ve never lied to you. Lynne, I love you. I’ll keep telling you that until you believe me again. And I’ll keep asking you to forgive me until you do.”

Lynne spoke without turning her head. “You know what the hell of it is? I already forgive you. I love you too much for my own goddamned good. You intentionally tear my heart out and all I can think of is how hard it would be to live without you. What kind of a stupid fucking idiot does that make me?” She stepped back and suddenly threw her entire body weight into a punch at the viewport. The cry of pain shattered Janeway, and she already had tears running down her face as she caught Lynne around the waist.

“Oh, fuck,” gasped Lynne as they slid to the floor. “I think I broke every bone in my hand.”

Janeway hit her comm badge. “Janeway to Doctor Sandovhar. Medical emergency in my quarters.”

“I’m on my way.”

She cradled Lynne in her arms. “Oh, god, Lynne, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” Lynne’s breathing was shallow.

“Yes, it is. Completely and entirely. I’m so ashamed. If anyone else had done this to you I’d kill them. I don’t know what to do with myself.”

Lynne didn’t answer, obviously concentrating on pushing the pain back in her mind. All Janeway could do was hold on to her and provide silent support.

Revi beamed into the living room, looking around until she saw them on the floor. She raced over and knelt beside them, gently taking Lynne’s hand into her own. “What happened?”

“I’ve been studying physics,” said Lynne before Janeway could speak. “I wanted to see how hard transparent aluminum really was. Turns out it’s a lot harder than glass.”

Janeway looked at Lynne in astonishment. After all this, after all she’d done to hurt her wife, Lynne was protecting her? Christ, now she felt worse than ever.

“It’s okay, Lynne,” she said. “Revi knows. She’s the one who made me see what I’d done.”

Revi pressed a hypospray to Lynne’s neck, and Lynne immediately began breathing easier. “Better?” she asked.

“Much,” said Lynne in a tone of relief. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. And for the record, personal experimentation isn’t always the best learning tool.” Revi carefully pulled one finger straight and began running her bone knitter over it.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

Janeway thought the whole conversation was surreal. She sat there, cradling Lynne as Revi healed her hand, and wondered what on earth she could do to resolve this situation. Lynne’s final words before she’d hit the viewport had made one thing very clear—she felt powerless in their relationship. Janeway had taken away her sole security, yet Lynne could do nothing but come back to the woman who had hurt her. If there was one concept that Janeway knew about in every incarnation, it was power, and she understood that their relationship would never survive with this kind of imbalance—at least, not in any form she could imagine wanting. She’d taken Lynne’s power in their relationship, so it was up to her to give it back.

Slowly and gently, she pulled away and settled Lynne’s back to the wall, then knelt in front of her.

“Lynne, please help me,” she said.

Lynne looked up in confusion. “With what?”

“Us. Our marriage. I joked about having the Marriage Handbook, but the truth is that your instincts have always been better than mine. You’ve always looked out for me, but I’ve…I’m still having a hard time separating the captain from Kathryn. I need your help.”

Lynne looked at Revi and back to Janeway, clearly astonished that she would say this in front of a witness. Which was exactly what Janeway was counting on.

“I don’t know what I’m doing, Lynne, but I do know that I haven’t been doing it right. Please, tell me what to do. Tell me how to fix this. Tell me…” her voice broke, but she pushed through it. “Tell me what you need. I want to give it to you. I want to learn to be as good a wife to you as you are to me.”

The wall came down, and for the first time in too long Janeway saw the old Lynne looking out of her eyes.

“Kathryn,” she said, her voice trembling, “all I have ever wanted, all I’ve ever needed, was for you to love me the way I love you. And I’m just not sure it’s possible. I think I need you more than you do me. You have Voyager and your responsibilities, and I just have you. I don’t think you can change that.”

Janeway took her good hand in her own. “I can’t change my responsibilities, that’s true. But as for needing you…” She paused, forcing herself to go to a place she’d locked away eight months ago. “I’ve never talked to you about the night you found me in your quarters. When you came back from Earth. I think it’s time.”

She had Lynne’s full attention. Revi’s, too, but to her credit the doctor was doing her best to remain unnoticed.

“I’ve always used fear as just one more tool in my arsenal, something to keep me sharp and alert and ready for the unexpected. But when I thought I’d lost you, when I believed that I would have to spend the rest of my life without you, I finally understood what true fear really was. It was crippling.” She closed her eyes, remembering the awful blackness that had yawned in front of her, threatening to pull her in. “I went to your quarters because they were all I had left of you. But without you they were just another set of rooms, another empty space. And I realized that I was the same way.” She opened her eyes again to see Lynne staring at her.

“Without you in my life, I’m just another empty body,” she said, not fighting the tears that rose up. “There’s nothing of value here. Sure, I have my responsibilities; I have Voyager. And I knew I’d have to go on because they needed me. But it wasn’t any kind of life that I wanted to live. It was just survival. And the thought of going on that way, for years and years of emptiness, was more than I could bear to think about. I knew I wasn’t big enough to handle it. And then you were there, kneeling in front of me in your robe with your hair down, and I swear to god I thought you were an angel at first.”

Lynne smiled, a tear making a slow track down her cheek. “Hardly.”

Janeway smiled back, feeling a tenuous connection reestablishing itself between them. “Well, it was better than my second thought, which was that I’d finally snapped and had completely lost my mind. Because I knew you were four hundred years and thirty-four thousand light years away, so how could you be right in front of me? But then I touched your face, and I knew you had to be real. Which brought me to the third possibility, which was that you were Q in disguise.”

“I remember that,” said Lynne. “You were ready to kill. You scared me.”

Janeway scooted closer, their faces just centimeters apart. “And then I saw the look in your eyes,” she said softly. “And I knew that Q could never imitate what I saw there. Concern for me, and a deep love that I recognized. It pulled me back from the brink, Lynne. I was lost without you. And I will never, as long as I live, forget what it felt like when you took me in your arms. It was absolute, total salvation.”

Now the tears were running freely down both their faces. Janeway reached up and brushed Lynne’s away. “Not need you? If anything, I need you more than you need me. You’ve already proven that you can survive losing everything and go on even stronger than before. All I’ve ever proven is that without you, I’m crippled.”

Lynne gently ran her fingers along Janeway’s jawline, then pushed a lock of hair behind her ear. “Thank you for telling me that.”

“You’re welcome. I should have told you before; I just didn’t want to think about that time again.”

“I understand.”

“I’m so sorry I hurt you, Lynne.”

This time Lynne nodded. “I know.”

They sat there on the floor, staring into each other’s eyes, and Janeway would have been happy to never move again. She could feel their connection growing with every passing second, and it amazed her how much it had diminished without her realizing it. Lynne had already been slipping away, bit by bit, but she was coming back now. It was there to see, in those green eyes that Janeway loved so well.

“Ladies,” said Revi, working on a knuckle, “I would like nothing more than to leave you here in privacy, but Lynne managed to fracture three knuckles and two phalanges, so it’s going to take me a bit longer.”

“Take all the time you need,” said Janeway. “And will you please tell Seven that this whole conversation comes under the category of doctor/patient privilege?”

“She already knows, Kathryn.”

“Thank you.”

Lynne looked at her in astonishment. “I forgot about that. I can’t believe you did that in front of two members of your crew.”

“I did that in front of two members of my family,” corrected Janeway. “But if that isn’t enough, I’ll open up a ship-wide channel and repeat everything I just said. I need you to believe me, Lynne.”

“I do,” Lynne whispered. “I feel like…like I’m waking up again. Like I’ve been asleep for awhile. Not quite here.”

Janeway leaned in and dropped a soft, lingering kiss on her lips. “I’m glad you’re back,” she whispered against her mouth. “I’ve missed you.”

She pulled back and sat there, looking at Lynne as Revi moved to the second knuckle. She felt as if volumes of words were passing between them silently, healing the cracks in her own heart that she hadn’t even known were there. God, she’d caused so much damage. What a fool she’d been. She thanked all available deities that Lynne was so forgiving, so ready to believe in her. What had she ever done to deserve this?

“Since apologies seem to be the order of the hour,” said Revi, not looking up from her work, “would it be all right if I offered one of my own?”

“For what?” asked Janeway.

Revi finished off the knuckle and moved to the last one. “For not doing anything to stop this whole train wreck in the first place.” She looked up at Lynne briefly. “I knew why you were asking about Arnett anatomy, Lynne.” Dropping her gaze back to the hand, she continued, “If I’d been doing my job, I would have notified Kathryn and you wouldn’t have gotten anywhere near those five. But like everyone else I was too caught up in my outrage at what they’d done to her. I wanted them to pay, and I was only too willing to let you handle the payment. But the cost has been horrendous, and I’m completely ashamed at my own part in this. Kathryn, Lynne, I’m truly sorry. You’re the ones who were hurt by this in the first place, yet you’re the ones who are continuing to pay the price for it, while the rest of us go around satisfied that justice has been done. Can you forgive me?”

Lynne reached out and put her hand on top of Revi’s cybernetic arm, stilling her motions. “You know, it just occurred to me that if those five Arnett could see us now they’d probably be laughing their asses off. Sure, I hurt them, and you told me where to hit them, but the truth is that as soon as they got back to their ship their doctors probably had them up and running again in half an hour. Meanwhile we’re killing ourselves over here, three weeks later. I think we should all just write this one off and move on. Don’t you?”

Revi looked at Lynne, then Janeway. “I’m willing.”

“And I want nothing more than to put this behind us forever,” said Janeway.

“Good,” said Lynne. “Then it’s officially over. Can I have another drink now? I seem to have misplaced my last one.”

Janeway could almost feel the burden being lifted from her shoulders. “Only if you promise not to throw it. Though I have to say, I admire your efficiency. Throwing a glass right into the replicator is something I wouldn’t have thought of.”

“Yeah, well, there’s nothing worse than having to clean up after your own temper tantrum,” said Lynne.

“No, you just leave that to your poor overworked doctor,” said Revi.

They all laughed, probably more than the joke deserved, but it felt good. Janeway got up and came back with three glasses, including a cider for Revi, and when Lynne’s hand was healed they all retired to the table to continue their conversation. A few minutes later, at Lynne’s request, Seven arrived and they had their first evening together in too long. Janeway looked around the table with satisfaction, noting the smiling faces and the easing of tensions that, she now realized, had affected more than just her and Lynne. Once again she was reminded that she didn’t live in a vacuum; that what she did had a ripple effect, sometimes through her entire crew.

But the best thing of all was to look across the table into Lynne’s eyes and see her there, really there, as she hadn’t been since before the whole travesty started. Janeway felt as if she were falling in love all over again, and suddenly she wanted Lynne all to herself. She’d had enough of company. They needed some alone time.

Lynne recognized the heat in her gaze, and with typical grace took the initiative. “Ladies,” she said, “I’ve had a long day and I’m a little tired. Much as I hate to kick you out, do you think we can continue this another time?”

“Of course,” said Revi, rising from the table. Seven followed suit. “Medical technology is a lot different than in your day, but the body hasn’t changed. You still need time to recharge your systems. I’ve logged both of you off for tomorrow. Get a good night’s sleep, Lynne.” Her statement was loaded, and everyone there understood it.

“I’ll do my best,” said Lynne. “I really have high hopes for tonight.”

After the goodbyes were said and the door closed behind their guests, Janeway turned to face Lynne. They stood there in silence, almost afraid to move, until finally Janeway stepped into her wife’s embrace and felt herself being tucked up under Lynne’s chin.

Bliss.

“Kathryn,” said Lynne at last, “I want to go to bed. But I’m not tired.”

Janeway pulled back enough to look into her eyes. “Neither am I.”

They turned out the lights and moved into the bedroom, slowly undressing each other and rebuilding their connection. When they finally made it to the bed Janeway tried to take over, thinking that Lynne would need that physical affirmation of her love. She wanted to take hours to worship her wife. But Lynne flipped them over and gazed into her eyes, gently holding her wrists down. “No,” she said. “It’s my turn.” And Janeway understood. Lynne needed to reaffirm her role in this relationship, to know that she had as much power as Janeway did. They had been imbalanced too long. So she nodded and relaxed, allowing Lynne to lead this dance.

It was her salvation.

 

 

 

 

---

Chapter 30

 

 

Janeway looked at her chronometer, her whole body vibrating with anticipation. It had been two days since she and Lynne had reconciled—and two wonderful, sleep-filled nights with no nightmares—and today was Lynne’s birthday. She had a very important appointment, three minutes long, and absolutely nothing was going to keep her from it. She’d already reminded Lynne twice, much to her wife’s amusement.

“I’ll be there, Kathryn,” she’d said. “Don’t worry.”

But Janeway couldn’t help herself; she’d waited far too long for this. Deciding that it was close enough to the time, she looked over at Chakotay. “I’m off to make a phone call,” she said.

He smiled back. “Have a great time.” She nodded and left the bridge, calling Lynne as she stood in the turbolift.

“I’m on my way,” Lynne said. And in fact, by the time Janeway got to Astrometrics, Lynne was already waiting outside the door.

“So what’s the big secret?” she asked. “I can only assume that it has something to do with the fact that I’m now officially heading into old age.”

“What?” Janeway stopped to look at her in astonishment. “Old age! Where the hell do you get that?”

“I’m forty-five,” said Lynne. “I always figured I’d live to ninety, so that means I’m now officially at the midpoint and it’s all downhill from here.”

“Lynne, did you miss a critical part of your medical training? The human lifespan is not ninety.”

“Well, it wasn’t in my day either, but I figured on living longer,” said Lynne. “I gave myself an extra thirteen years.”

Janeway shook her head. “That’s not what I meant. I guess you did miss that part of your training. Today humans can expect to live to one hundred and twenty. Easily.”

Lynne gaped at her. “One hundred and twenty? You’re kidding.”

“Would I kid about something as important as how much time we have left together? I’ve got another seventy-five years with you, and I’m counting on every one of them.”

“Wow,” said Lynne. “You left that part out of your sales brochure. If you’d told me that when we reached Earth, I wouldn’t even have left the ship.”

“Yes you would have,” said Janeway. “You had to.”

“True,” Lynne agreed. “Wow,” she said again, more quietly. “Seventy-five years.”

Janeway pulled her toward the doors, which opened at her approach. Seven looked up. “We’ll be in position in ninety-six seconds, Captain.”

“Thanks, Seven.” She pushed Lynne in front of the giant viewscreen, which was currently showing the video from Earth they’d received during their first comm link with MIDAS. “I have a couple of things planned for your birthday,” said Janeway. “This is the first.”

“Um, Kathryn, I hate to disappoint you, but I’ve already seen this.”

“You and the rest of the crew. That’s not what I was referring to. I’ve got a couple of people who wanted to speak with you today.”

Lynne looked at her in surprise. “You have comm time today? I thought it wasn’t until next week. You said you had a slot the day before mine.”

Janeway shrugged. “I might have slightly exaggerated the date.”

“Sixty seconds,” said Seven.

“So who are we calling?”

Janeway made her face carefully blank. “Gee, I can’t remember. But I’m sure we’ll find out in a minute. Literally.”

“Kathryn!”

“Hmm?” Janeway made a show of looking at the viewscreen. “Oh, look, North America is coming into view. So where did you live again?”

“You know where I lived, and I know where you lived, and stop trying to put me off. Who are we calling? It has to be your family.”

Janeway turned toward Seven. “Do you remember, Seven?”

“I do not,” said Seven. “In fact, I’m certain that I never knew. The code was simply programmed into my console.”

“Right,” said Lynne. “Ms. Eidetic Memory.”

“Twenty seconds,” said Seven. “Initiating deflector protocols now.”

They waited, facing the screen.

“Tachyon beam received. Initiating comm link.”

Janeway reached out for Lynne’s hand. “Happy birthday, sweetheart,” she whispered. “They’re your family, too.”

Lynne turned her head to look at her, but at that moment the image on the screen changed to two women, who beamed at them.

“Now there’s a sight for sore eyes,” said Gretchen Janeway. “Both of my lost daughters, looking absolutely beautiful. Happy birthday, Lynne.”

“Happy birthday,” echoed Phoebe. “We’d sing for you, but that might destroy the comm link.”

Lynne made a small sound in her throat, and Janeway tightened her grip. “Mom, Phoebe,” she said, giving Lynne time to recover. “It’s so good to see you. You look wonderful. And I think Lynne’s a little overwhelmed. I sort of sprang this on her.”

“Oh, nice going, shrimp.” Phoebe laughed. “Three minutes of time and you already rendered her speechless.”

“Lynne,” said Gretchen gently. “How are you?”

“I’m…stunned,” said Lynne. “Thank you for doing this. It’s certainly the most unusual birthday gift I’ve ever received.”

“And you’re the best one I’ve ever received,” said Gretchen. “I have so enjoyed our correspondence, Lynne. You’re a treasure, and I don’t blame Kathryn for going seventy thousand light years out of her way to find you.”

“Thirty-five thousand,” said Lynne automatically.

“But I had to pick up Seven first,” reminded Janeway, smiling at her. They’d had this exchange before.

Lynne turned around. “Seven, will you come here, please?”

Seven looked nonplussed, but stepped forward. Lynne put her free arm around Seven’s waist and said, “Gretchen, Phoebe, I’d like you to meet my best friend. This is Seven of Nine, the other treasure of the Delta Quadrant.”

“I’m pleased to meet you,” said Seven politely. “But I don’t wish to take up Lynne’s birthday time.”

Lynne pulled her in closer. “It’s my call, and I’ll do what I want with it. And I want as much of my family in on this as I can get.” She dropped Janeway’s hand and pulled her in by the waist as well.

“Pushy little thing, isn’t she?” Phoebe was grinning. “Nice to meet you, Seven of Nine.”

“She’s not little,” said Janeway. “Haven’t you noticed?”

“Seven of Nine, I’m very pleased to meet you as well,” said Gretchen. “Both of my daughters have spoken very highly of you. When Voyager gets back to Earth, I’ll expect to see you for a visit.”

“Yes, Mrs. Janeway,” said Seven.

Lynne just laughed. “She’ll be there. Along with her partner, Revi Sandovhar, who really is a pushy little thing.”

“You know she heard that,” said Janeway.

“So what are your plans for the day, Lynne?” asked Gretchen.

“I have no idea. Kathryn’s been very close-mouthed, but I think she has another surprise in store for me.”

“Or two,” said Janeway. “We’re going out to dinner at a private place I know, and then I’ve got a gift that she asked for three months ago. I’m pretty sure she’s forgotten all about it.”

Lynne turned to her in surprise. “I didn’t ask for anything.”

“My point,” said Janeway.

“Well, while you two are wasting comm time,” said Phoebe, “let me just say something extremely important. Lynne, I’ve been waiting to see you in person to tell you that the message you sent Mark was absolutely brilliant. I laughed myself sick when I watched that. You’re my kind of sister.”

“Thanks,” said Lynne, grinning. “I was actually kind of proud of that.”

“God, you should be. None of Kathryn’s previous lovers would ever have had the balls. I can tell you’re going to keep her on her toes.”

“Twenty-five seconds, Lynne,” said Seven.

“Thanks, Seven. It’s mutual, Phoebe. I’ve never known anyone like Kathryn. I think she might be unique in both my time and yours.”

“Lynne, take care of yourself.” Gretchen looked at her very seriously. “Th